The resort in Playa Escondido doesn’t have air conditioning and the beach is overrun by crabs, but put a plethora of hot and single twenty-somethings with social media careers depending on them in the mix and you have my attention.
I’ve never been more excited for someone else to go on a paid beach vacation in my life.
Here are the best quotes from all four glorious hours of Bachelor in Paradise this week
“I think the key to, especially in Paradise, is I just gotta be open and honest and, like, communicate.” – Blake, setting himself up for a disaster.
“Back on the beat if you don’t know who I am/ I’m keeping it ABC because I always be Cam/ she over Hannalized and felt manipulated/ when you’re looking for forever you should be calculated.” – Cam rapping his intro for what felt like forever
“Going to Paradise? I am paradise.” – Demi, queen of Paradise
“I have been seeing someone. Plot twist, it happens to be a woman.” – Demi, queer queen of Paradise
“I’m back baby. Coming out of retirement.” – Chris Bukowski, for his 6th Bachelor appearance at 32 years-old
“What if someone walks down the stairs and it’s my dude?” – Disney princess Hannah G.
“My mustache is sweating.” – Katie
“I should be the one welcoming you guys to Paradise.” – Derek, who got engaged in Paradise last season
“Flir-Tayshia is here in Paradise.” – Tayshia
“I’m mostly focused on Hannah because that was my plan going in.” – Wills, having literally no chance with Hannah
“So I met a lot of you at Stage Coach, but I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty drunk.” – Blake with more foreshadowing
“That’s a leopard print shirt you got there.” – Chris Harrison at first glimpse of Cam
“If he says ‘ABC’ one time here, I’m throwing sh*t at him. That was his motto, ‘always be cam’ it was the worst.” – Kevin
“Only strategy is ‘Always Beach Cam’.” – Cam meeting everyone’s very low expectations
“My douchebag radar feels someone in the near vicinity and if I know Paradise it’s only a matter of time before a douchebag shows up.” – Derek
“If he was at a strip club, he’d be like the lead DJ.” – Kevin still talking about Cam
“Purrrrrrr-adise.” – Cam making exactly the hand motion you’re picturing.
“I need to be the obnoxious one. I can’t have anyone out-obnoxious-ing me.” -Demi
“I was a big fan of yours growing up.” – Blake to Chris Bukowski
“I would say 98% of the women I’ve dated are blonde, but I’m open minded.” – Chris Bukowski
“Blake’s not my favorite person.” – Caelynn, with the understatement of the week
“Caelynn came in and immediately I saw Blake run.” – Annaliese
“Blake is on everybody’s to-do list.” – Bibiana
“I would be really excited to explore a romance with Blake.” – Hannah G.
“We saw each other at a music festival. He ended up sweet talking me and we spent the night together and we wake up and I’m in his bed and he’s like DMing Hannah G.” – Caelynn, getting ready to ruin Blake’s life
“This is the worst morning after story I’ve ever heard.” – Wells
“The best way to protect your image is to not be a douchebag.” -Also Wells
“Blake hooked up with Kristina and Caelynn within 24 hours of each other at Stage Coach. Like did you even shower after? Mr. Perfect is not so perfect.” – Onyeka with the tea
“He treats girls like scum.” – Caelynn burying Blake a little deeper
“I hope that this blows up in his face and he gets what he deserves.” – Sydney after getting the tea on Blake
“Today I’m going to make Blake my bitch.” – Kristina
“Not gonna lie, like I came on the beach and instantly thought that Blake was like charismatic and attractive. He was just like instantly deemed like the ‘it’ guy of Paradise. But now I kind of think he’s a f**k boy.” – Onyeka
“I made my bed and I’m going to sleep in it.” – Blake
“Did you change the sheets?” – Kristina
“Blake’s getting wrecked right now.” – Clay
“I am so sorry. I did not know you felt this way. I am so sorry.” – Blake
“It’s definitely murky waters in Paradise for Blake right now.” – Onyeka
“Blake has had sex with everyone on this beach.” – Demi
“Polygamy summer camp.” – Hannah
“Yo, my Paradise is over, man.” – Blake
“I look like the worst human in the world. My family and friends like, it’s gonna be really hard to see like them go into hiding like I know I am. It’s going to hard on everyone in my life because of what I did. Like it’s over as I know it. My life is going to completely change and not for the better.” – Blake, sobbing in a full spiral
“It wouldn’t be Paradise if there wasn’t drama.” – Demi
“I’m super into you. I won’t talk to anybody else.” – Dylan, ready to tattoo Hannah’s name on his body after one week in Paradise
“I don’t want him to put himself in a position where he’s not open to anything else happening. I think that’s what Paradise is about or at least I think it should be.” – Hannah, knowing she has options
“Clay’s got a great body. His forearms are the size of my waist. He’s huge.” – John Paul Jones
“Clay is about to go on a date with Nicole. But I have some doubts about Clay’s intentions for sure.” – Annaliese, defending Clay’s ex, Angela back home (I know, it’s a lot)
“You kinda like pulled the stick on the grenade and you just rolled it in there.” – Demi
“The last thing I want to do is be in the middle of something, but when you are defending a friend, like I couldn’t sit back and not say anything. That would be being a bad friend.” – Annaliese
“Grandma is off her meds.” – Demi
“Facts are, people are going home tonight. Gentleman there are nine of you, ladies twelve of you. So three women are leaving paradise. You have some work to do.” – Chris Harrison
“Tonight’s gonna be like the Hunger Games.” – Tayshia
“I’m really sorry Jane. I just puked in front of you.” – John Paul Jones
“I’m responsible for someone puking their brains out? That just hindered me from doing my best tonight.” – Jane
“I do think Hannah and I are the strongest couple in Paradise right now. I just don’t think it’ll ever end.” – Dylan
“I came to Paradise to really get to know Hannah and to really pursue Hannah. I’m gonna prove to her how I feel about her.” – Blake, with a rally
“I’m Hannah and I’m in trouble this evening.” – Hannah
“Paradise is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.” – Demi
“It’s the first week and Paradise is already up in flames.” – Caelynn
I don’t know if any of you were following along with social while watching, but it was even more of a hot mess. Blake was posting screenshots of text messages. It was a lot. I’ve never had a better Tuesday night. This season is going to be complete madness. Who do you think will end up together in the end? Who do you hope shows up on the beach soon? Are you team Blake or team everyone else? Let’s talk in the comments.
