The Bachelor in Paradise season finale gave us expected break-ups, mystery fantasy suites, the moment Dean realized he needs therapy, another unnecessary DeMario/Corinne interview, and maybe even true love (but probably not).

This week on Bachelor in Paradise: Jack Stone kissed everyone, America hates Dean, Christen really loves scallops, no one likes Blake, and the twins finally arrived. If this is what qualifies as paradise we should all take our chances in hell.

Fortunately for Robby, Amanda needed an excuse to break things off with Alex the mini-marine. Unfortunately for Robby, he chose to dress up like a cruise ship Pee Wee Herman impersonator and sweat like a glazed Christmas ham.

You know how every year parents across North America empty their 401k accounts to buy the holiday it-toy every kid has to have? Then everyone wakes up the next morning to a glorified stuffed animal no one wants to play with. That’s this season of The Bachelorette.

This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel was supposed to take her three boyfriends on fantasy overnight dates in Spain. People, I can not overstate my level of preparedness for the glorious awkwardness that is the fantasy suite episode. A pillow to hide behind when things got uncomfortable? Check. Ear plugs to drown out the inevitable lip smacking? Got ’em. A list of ridiculous innuendos prepared for your recapping enjoyment? Obviously. So you can imagine my dismay when most of the episode took place in Rachel’s family home in Dallas since her sister was too pregnant to travel. It’s bad enough that pregnancy took over most of my twenties, does it really need to ruin my Monday night shame watch too? Thanks a lot, Rachel’s sister’s womb.