I feel like I say that at the end of every season, but in the words of Lizzo, the truth hurts.
You want to know what else hurts? Watching three couples make a mockery of the sanctity of marriage by getting engaged on this week’s finale. Just kidding, that was awesome.
Here’s what you missed from the final episode of Bachelor in Paradise.
Clay + Nicole
Despite a couple of brief speed bumps involving a Mexican telenovela star’s piñata and an ex-girlfriend debuting her revenge body at a wedding, Clay and Nicole were a solid couple all season. Solidly perplexing. I’m not sure what’s more confusing, their relationship or Clay’s pre-pubescent voice. This week Clay very clearly expressed to Nicole that he’s not in love with her yet – you know, after a few week’s vacation – but he could be in the future. Seems reasonable, right? Apparently not, because Nicole stood on the proposal platform and told him that if he wasn’t 100% positive right that second, then it wasn’t good enough for her. They broke up and neither spoke at After the Final Rose.
Katie + Chris
Chris Bukowski may only be 32 years-old, but he’s been on more seasons of the Bachelor franchise than any other cast member. Yes, even more times than Nick Viall. Luckily for Chris, the sixth time’s the charm because he and Colton-reject Katie found each other in Paradise. Their relationship snuck up on viewers, but there was nothing subtle about the tears streaming down my face when Chris offered Katie the sweetest proposal. Of all the couples I believe they can make it.
Psych. Katie wasn’t wearing her engagement ring at the After the Final Rose because Chris doesn’t fill her love tank. Someone has been watching re-runs of Real Housewives again. Chris was completely blindsided, but they’re going to keep working on it. Hopefully not in front of a live audience next time.
Dylan + Hannah
Yawn. Dylan and Hannah are in love and engaged now. They want to have babies with giant Disney princess eyes and ridiculously good hair. Good for them.
Demi + Kristian
Thanks to her season stealing turn on Colton’s season of The Bachelor, Demi is the best thing to happen to the Bachelor franchise since the invention of high definition television. Then she went and out-did herself by being in the first same-gender relationship in Bachelor history. She really is the queen of Paradise. Sure, her non-Bachelor girlfriend is the single most boring human I’ve ever seen on this show, but in the name of social progress, I’ll deal. I’ve been watching this show in all of its iterations since 2002, and I really never thought we’d see a same-gender engagement come out of it, but here we are. The kids are alright.
After the Finale Rose
Please understand that I am in no way exaggerating when I say that the finale was three hours long and two of them were dedicated to rehashing everything we had just finished watching. In the words of Katie trying to talk to Chris about her feelings, “I’m exhausted.”
The top moments were as follows:
- Carly and Evan revealed the gender of their next baby when Wells jumped out of a giant cake wearing a blue onesie. It’s a boy, so their social engagement should get a good uptick in a few months. Put it in a 401k, kids.
- Blake is still defending his choice to blast Caelynn’s private texts on Instagram. I think it’s pretty clear that they’re both the jerks in this situation, but a simple apology would have helped his cause. Don’t worry too much about Blake though. He’ll start a dating podcast and get the Dean edit next summer.
- Tayshia had a change of heart, flew to Maryland and asked John Paul Jones to take her back. I know. It’s too much. Love is real.
The Next Bachelor Is…
No, that’s not the love-child of Bachelors Ben Higgins and Colton Underwood, it’s Pilot Peter Weber. Which is basically the same thing. The commercial pilot is ready to spread his wings to windmills far and wide as our next Bachelor. See you in January, Peter. I already have that German prayer-song your family sings before dinner memorized.
And now Bachelor season has come to an end. What are you going to do on your Monday nights until January? How do you feel about Peter as the Bachelor (more on him later!)? Which Paradise couple will get a free beach wedding next summer? Let’s talk in the comments and make sure you follow my Bachelor Instagram account for updates during the break.