We’re less than five months away from Outlander’s midseason premiere!
To help us this holiday season to not go into a #droughtlander depression (side effects include listening to bagpipe music, making everyone call you “lass” or “sassenach,” saying “ken” instead of “know,” writing bad haikus about Jamie and Claire), Starz kicked off December with #Outlanderofferings.
The first “gift” whet our appetite: a 20 second midseason teaser trailer.
It was like being a kid at Christmas again and your parents first roll out the deluxe Fisher Price master kitchen playlet complete with appliances and dishes! Oh, hell yeah!
And then came the “In Production” video filled with Jamie kicking some British soldiers (That’s for Scottish Independence, bitches!), Claire’s own version of Orange is the New Black, and some brotherly squabbles.
Then came some other “offerings” that were…well…nice. Like your-grandma-buying-you-a-sweatshirt-with-a-cat-embroidered-on-it-and-you’re-in-your-thirties-and-don’t-even-own-a-cat-nice.
Um, thanks, Starz. Who knew I wanted to watch 90 minutes of Yule log footage with a couple of dogs laying around? How about 90 minutes of Yule log footage with naked Jamie laying around spinning his dirk? Or naked Frank sitting in a leather chair by the hearth and smoking a pipe while spouting off some historical facts about Christmas that I’m just too distracted to pay attention to?
It could be worse. We could get the uncut concert from “The Way Out.”
Luckily, this month isn’t over, and Starz probably has some more surprises up their Santa costume sleeves. (I’m putting on my Outlander Christmas wish list the following: deleted 4th sex-round from “The Wedding,” all of Jamie’s deleted scenes from “Both Sides Now” because you know they exist, and behind the scenes footage of Tobias Menzies breakdancing just because I have a strong feeling about it.)
But here at That’s Normal, we understand your #droughtlander blues and know that buying Claire’s wedding ring or pearl necklace (giggles…Damn you, erotica!), and watching YouTube videos on Mrs. Fitz’s kitchen and Hamish’s costume are not enough to get you through to April 4th.
So, keeping in the spirit of the Christmas season, I present to you the gift that keeps on giving. And by giving, I mean an orgasm.
Jamie’s piece de resistance: his epic eye sexing!
Whether it was staring at Claire, or staring at her some more, or proving to her his non-monk status and then staring at her post coitus, Jamie set our wee hearts in an arrhythmic state when he gave that look. It’s the look that says in a deep, Scottish brogue, “Hey, lass, it’s time to see the real Craigh na Dun.”
How many of us paused our televisions, took a picture of the screen with our phones, sent it to all our friends with the message: Holy shite! Can I get pregnant through the television? (Spoiler alert: You can’t.) How many of us moved our furniture around just so that we could sit in Jamie’s line of vision and bask in the orgasmic glow of his stare? How many of us daily practice our own sensual stare down just in case we come face to face with Sam Heughan? So, pop some birth control or slap on a hormonal patch, dim those lights, put on that Starz 90 minute Yule log video, and sit back.
Here are my James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Frasers’ top five eye effs. Merry Christmaskuh to all!
5. “Sassenach”
The setting: a cottage
The subject: The strange sassenach
Why: Because she shoved his jacked up shoulder pack in place. And she has boobs.
I’d like to think of this as eye foreplay. This stare was a blink and you missed it, but it was our first glimpse of what was to come. What made it even hotter? He stared at her while answering Dougal. Talking and eye effing at the same time? Now, that’s multitasking.
4. “The Wedding”
The setting: an inn suite (How large was this damn room? My first apartment in college could fit in it and still have room for my second apartment.)
The subject: Claire Fraser
Why: Because he just untied the five million laces on her corset. And he’s a 23 year old heterosexual virgin whose last piece of action was a makeout session with Laoghaire. (Apparently, sucking face is the 17th century Scottish way of saying, “Thanks for getting your ass whooped on my account and then ignoring me at the harp concert.”)
We all know where this stare leads to: Jamie’s first “Tune in Tokyo,” which leads to some of the best twenty-two seconds of his life. (Yep, I did some research.)
3. “Castle Leoch”
The setting: a room in Castle Leoch
The subject: Mistress Beauchamp
Why: Because she cried in his arms and let him comfort her. And because he got a kilt boner.
I’m disappointed in you, Claire. As a medical professional, you should know better. Yes, you may have been mourning over your husband and the possibility of never seeing him again. But you never, never blue balls a man during eye sex. Especially if that man is shirtless, wearing a kilt, and goes by the name of Jamie Fraser.
I selflessly volunteer myself to take her place.
2. “The Gathering”
The setting: a random room in Castle Leoch
The subject: Since he’s staring at no one really, I’m going to take credit on this one. Yep, he just eye effed me. And it was glorious.
Why: Three words – Je. Suis. Prest. Need I say more? He’s hot, he spoke French, and he just gave you some of the best eye sex you will ever have. Feel free to bask in the afterglow.
Boom. You’re pregnant. You’re welcome. (And you thought “MF” in JAMMF stood for MacKenzie Fraser. Think again.)
1. “The Way Out”
The setting: Claire’s surgery/dungeon
The subject: Claire the Drunk
Why: Because when a woman touches the scab on your shoulder and says the word “drainage” without vomiting, she’s a keeper. Oh, and Claire totally eye effed him back.
Maybe it was the rhenish. Maybe it was Laoghaire ruining Jamie’s playa game with a good old trip down memory lane. (Read a room, skank! He doesn’t want your flower!) Maybe it was Bob Gedolf playing the harp. Whatever it was it put these two in the mood for a sexual stare off that smoldered ovaries into dust. (Worth it!)
Now, some of you may be asking, “Why is this scene your number one?”
For me, the answer is simple: because this is the first we see Jamie staring at Claire and never breaking that stare. Even when she looks away, his eyes are unabashedly trained on her like some sexy Jedi eye stare. (Insert bad Yoda impersonation: “The force is strong in that one.”)
And that little smirk at the end? That’s all Jamie Fraser.
Hey, Starz. Give us 90 minutes of just that stare, and I vow to purchase Claire’s wedding ring. I’ll buy one for every member of my whole damn family.
Tell us your favorite Jamie sex eye stares! Which ones convinced you that in about nine months, you were going to give birth to some red headed eye babies?
