Sadly, there’s trouble in Paradise this year. It just isn’t fun. I mean there’s moments of the old humor like when Demi roasts her cast-mates with spot-on impressions, but they’re short lived. Mostly everyone on this season is miserable. The happy couples are hidden away in the boom boom rooms (a real moniker) and everyone else is overheated and morose. All I’m saying is if I wanted to watch sweaty and sad people flirt desperately I’d join a 24 Hour Fitness.
Then again, I have no idea how to quit this show so I’m here until I die. Just like a gym membership.
Here’s all of the best quotes from this week’s episodes of Bachelor in Paradise
“I didn’t go to Paradise to hang out with my ex-girlfriend.” -Clay freaking out about Angela coming to the beach
“If it’s okay for him to be here, why is it not okay for me to be here?” -Angela
“Angela needs to just get a life.” -Nicole
“It does seem a little strange that you’d want to come into a house where your ex-boyfriend is dating another girl directly in front of your eyes.” -Sydney not understanding the premise of this show
“There’s a reason animals fly south for the winter. We have instinct just like them. I have a pretty good feel for instinct, right? Derek is a creep, man. He’s a fraternity brother that is in there to take advantage of women. That is a fact. I-I don’t have like a lot of, like, claims to substantiate that point, but listen I know the frauds when I see them. Derek is a fraud.” -John Paul Jones
“Connor and I went on a very romantic and sexual date and it was a lot of fun.” -Caelynn
“John Paul Jones really needs to get his tooshie whooped into shape.” -Haley
“I feel like a pawn in John Paul Jones’s little Tayshia game. I’d rather be home right now with my dog.” -Haley
“F**k men.” -Blake
“Why am I still single if I’m all of these wonderful things?” -Haley
“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry, Derek.” -JPJ
*a lot of yelling between Derek and John Paul Jones happened here*
“If two more guys go home for fighting it’ll be ridiculous.” -Blake
“JPJ and Derek were acting like middle school children. I feel like I’m in the middle of a love triangle I don’t want to even be in.” -Tayshia
“Dylan is taking advantage of his birthday and boom-booming-boom-boom all over the place.” -Mike
“Paradise is about finding love and I’ve found it now and it’s just growing stronger and stronger.” – Demi
“My sinuses don’t react well to spicy food.” -Old Matt Donald
‘If I’m, like, making out with chicks and stuff my mom is going to kill me.” -Old Matt Donald
“I was gonna sit in my pain and not scare you away.” – JPJ before he cried so hard that he blew snot onto the floor
“If there’s any feelings I’m feeling it’s self-loathing and sadness.” -Derek as he’s leaving the show with the perfect Bachelor edit
“He’s a good guy. He just wasn’t my guy.” – Tayshia
“I feel like I’ve ‘burned bridges’ with every woman here.” -Blake, finally getting it
“Tayshia is definitely someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I’ve never met anyone like her.” -JPJ
“I really like my heart is in it with JPJ but there are a lot of things I’m skeptical about.” -Tayshia
“There’s something wrong with him. But I kinda like it.” -Tayshia
“I don’t have romantic feelings for Angela.” – Clay, lying to himself
“I thought I only wanted to be friends with you. I really did, but I can’t stop thinking about you.” -Blake to Kristina
“This is weird.” -Kristina
“I’m notorious for being a little scaredy cat.” -Old Matt Donald
“Body language may not be his first language.” -Sydney
“I understand this is Paradise, but I am just a little shy when it comes to relationships.” -Old Matt Donald
*Everyone and Chris Harrison gives Matt kissing advice*
“You got some great rhomboids, dude, and great traps. Whoa, dude, that’s what a pec looks like.” -JPJ, secure in his manhood
*Matt kisses Sydney and this show finally became funny again with a montage of people clapping, dolphins swimming, and fireworks exploding*
“My mom is going to freakin’ kill me” -Matt
“I never know where Chris Bukowski’s head is and tonight he asked me to be his girlfriend.” -Katie
“I wanted you to go to the gym with me!” -Clay
“You go to the gym for four hours!” -Angela
“Two days before you broke up with me you asked what our babies would look like.” -Angela
“Blake I know we’ve given each other friendship roses in the past, but starting tonight I want to take our relationship to the next level.” -Kristina, being a real life idiot
“I want to show Kristina that I will put her first no matter what.” -Blake
“When I move to Cali we can go for walks and where comfy clothes like…joggers.” -Hannah
“I feel like I’ve gotten to know Caelynn and I like the person she is. We have like similar interests. Obviously we are both pretty hot.” -Connor
“Just a couple of guys talking about their feelings on a beach in Mexico, doing their abs.” -Dylan
“Paradise just sucks, you know?” -Caelynn
“I’m just happy that I didn’t end up with Dean. I didn’t want to live in a van. No more mustaches for me.” -Caelynn
“Oh no, f**king way, Dean is back.” -Dylan, and all of America
“He shaved the mustache!” -Demi
“Like, go back to your f**king van.” -Connor
“I knew I needed to come here and tell you that I wanted us to try and be in a relationship.” -Dean
“I came here to ask you if you would leave Paradise with me today.” -Dean, who never comes to play
“sh*t.” -Caelynn
Next week is more than likely the finale of Bachelor in Paradise which means summer is almost over. Hold me. Who do you think is going to end up together? Do you think Caelynn should leave Paradise early with Dean? Let’s talk in the comments.