Speaking of JPJ, this week in Paradise was all about the three named wonder. As some of the couples are settling in (Clay and Nicole, Hannah and Dylan, Blake and his memories of Stagecoach) there are only so many eligible young men who look good in speedos available. Oh and Krystal and Chris “the Goose” from last season of Bachelor in Paradise got married on the show this week. Lucky us.
Here’s all of the ridiculous quotes from this week’s double feature in Paradise
“Tahzjuan comes walking down the beach and I am not sure who she is. Finally someone I haven’t met in Bachelor Nation. She wasn’t at stagecoach.” – Blake, finally leaning in
“I just want to casually make a toast to my first…Tahzjuan-on-one.” -John Paul Jones
“You’re not supposed to eat the date food. I’m trying to help you.” -Tahzjuan
“If he vomits on me, we are taking a shower together.” -Tahzjuan
“John Paul Jones may be the strangest guy I’ve ever met, but I love John Paul Johns.” – Tahzjuan
“I suck at dating. I think that you would be miserable as my girlfriend.” -Dean
“You can’t have Haley without Emily. Emily without Haley. That’s like having french fries with no ketchup and you can’t just like, eat ketchup. John Paul Jones isn’t built for ketchup. He’s built for, like, Rocky Road ice cream with a cherry on top and fudge. That’s me.” -Tahzjuan
“I can say with confidence that I’ve never met anyone like John Paul Jones” – Haley, no twin
“Sorry mom, I’m with a really beautiful woman right now.” -JPJ
“These two lovebirds are like making out and it’s like 110 degrees. How can anyone be touching? It’s too hot.” -Tahzjuan
“I’m sick of seeing all of this lovey dovey shit, man.” -Tahzjuan
“Can John Paul Jones and Tazhjuan happen? We are going to be inspector gadget and figure this out.” – Tahzjuan
“I’m so glad you’re here Haley. Just kidding. I’m like, ‘can I spit in her wine?’ It was just a passing thought.” -Tahzjuan
“She called me a pigeon. Does she know I’m not a pigeon? Bitch, I’m not a pigeon.” – Haley
“You’re a pigeon. I’m a seagull. So is John Paul Jones.” -Tahzjuan
“I think I should go home. I didn’t want to do this but I think that’s the right thing to do.” – Dean
“On her birthday, dude?” -All of America
“I thought he was my forever and he just blindsided me.” – Caelynn
“So Dean breaks up with Caelynn on her birthday. It’s Dean.” – Chris
“I’ve been looking for my wife since I was 18, man.” -John Paul Jones
“Like I’m super happy for Krystal and Goose, but I don’t want to be at a wedding right now.” – Caelynn
“Derek is that creepy guy that graduated high school five years ago and goes back to the high school parties even though he’s a grown ass man.” – John Paul Jones
“Krystal and Chris met here just one year ago. With open minds and open hearts, stepping foot on the sands of Paradise ready to find the loves of their lives. It didn’t take long for them to find each other, bonding over things such as green smoothies, apple cider vinegar, essential oils, and Wayne and Chucky.” – Chris Harrison performing a real life marriage on Bachelor in Paradise
“Did JPJ and Derek get us kicked out of this wedding?” – Demi
“Happy birthday, here’s a date with Connor.” – Caelynn ready to get over Dean
“I think rolling around, making out, painting this canvas, it definitely brought us closer together.” – Connor
“Yesterday I was at a wedding crying over Dean and today I’m on a date making out with Connor.” – Caelynn
“The last thing I want in the world is for Clay’s girlfriend to come down the stairs.” – Nicole predicting the future
Honestly this show is so much fun to watch that I can barely take notes. Let’s talk in the comments about JPJ completely losing his mind at the wedding. What was he thinking?!
