What’s next, a candlelit dinner at Guantanamo Bay?
This week on Hannah Brown and her seven remaining boyfriends (Luke, Garrett, Jed, Peter, Connor, Tyler and Mike) frolicked in tulip fields, ordered drive thru ice cream while riding a horse, cried in a museum, and ended three relationships.
I really want to make a tulip/two-lips pun here, but I have more self control than Luke around a platter of deli meat.
That’ll make more sense later.
JED + HANNAH
Tellingly, Hannah chose Jed for the first date in Amsterdam where it became undeniably clear that he’s her front-runner. She doesn’t care that he wears the same sherpa lined jacket every date. She doesn’t mind that she’ll never be able to laugh without peeing if she births children who inherit his oblong forehead. She even brushed it off when he misspoke and told a sweet elderly couple that they were English and not American. Love makes you blind, and Hannah is falling for Jed. If we didn’t know that Jed came on the show with a girlfriend it would even be sweet. But we do, so instead it was like watching a slow moving train wreck when Hannah confessed her feelings and gave him a rose to secure his place at hometowns next week.
TYLER + HANNAH
We all needed a pallet cleanse after listening to Jed’s BS so a date riding horses around the Hague with my boyfriend Tyler was just what the doctor ordered. Tyler was afraid of the horses, nearly vomited after eating pickled herring and calls his mother “Mama” but I’m still obsessed. That’s how pure my love is.
Hannah wasn’t nearly as besotted with Tyler as the rest of us are, but he’s gorgeous so she pushed him to open up more than just his tonsils. He told her about his fear of a failed marriage thanks to his parents’ divorce after the housing market crash. She told him that while her parents are still married she doesn’t want a relationship like theirs because they’re terrible communicators. Then she gave him the date rose and an invitation to hometowns while the rest of us sat in awkward silence wondering how the parents she still lives with liked that conversation.
CONNOR + HANNAH
Connor hasn’t been alone on a date with Hannah since she faked an illness in order to get a nap back in week three. Turns out he should have left more than some post-it notes for her remember him by because he still didn’t get a one-on-one date in the Netherlands. He went to her hotel room to tell her that he has always stuck out from the crowd – which was unintentionally hilarious because he’s 6’6″ or something ridiculous like that – but he disappeared into the group dates of this season. She took the opportunity to send him home right that moment. His plan backfired, but we hear the weather is nice in Paradise this time of year.
MIKE + HANNAH
The last one-on-one date of the week went to Mike ‘Bachelor Bait’ Johnson. It didn’t matter if they were riding bicycles or draped in satin while an artist named Luta painted their portrait, Mike never stopped smiling on this date. Meanwhile Hannah never stopped crying. At one point she compared herself to a painting of St. Catherine holding a sword with men fighting in the background while tears rolled down her face. Needless to say, things weren’t going well for Mike and she sent him home. She said it was her hardest good-bye yet because he’s a good human and he deserves to be loved fiercely. See? Bachelor bait.
LUKE VS THE WORLD
So Luke is still on this show and in the words of my boyfriend Tyler, “the worst part is that we have a 5’8″ villain.” Harsh, I love it, more of that please. Basically Luke is his own worst enemy. He’s easily goaded into fights, he doesn’t know how to pick his battles, and he doesn’t have the social awareness to know when he should keep his thoughts to himself.
Is it normal for him to be excited that men are being sent home who aren’t him? Yes. Does it make him an asshole to say it out loud? Also yes. Was Garrett being obnoxious with the double pistol fingers and taunting jokes? Clearly. Did Luke take it too far by literally throwing deli meat at him while making a bologna metaphor? Obviously.
I’d love to see Luke on this show when he’s 30, but 24 year-old Luke needs to take a seat.
MAKE IT STOP
Luke and Garrett have been having the same argument for like 4 weeks now, so I’m really over it and would rather never talk about it again. All you need to know is that Luke tattled on the other men again, Garrett told Hannah that he’s in love with her, and Peter got the first rose of the group date. Oh yeah, Peter was there that whole time. He’s easy to forget unless he’s half naked in a sauna, but he’ll be at hometowns.
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Hannah said, “I hope my mind can be comfortable with what my heart wants,” and then she gave the date rose to – prepare yourself- Luke. I honestly can’t look at his face or his pink window pane suit jacket for another single second. Please don’t make us go to his hometown.
Next week is hometown dates where Hannah will meet the families of Jed the liar, Pilot Peter, my boyfriend Tyler, and loser Luke. At this point I have no idea if Luke will ever be sent home or if he’ll just stick around like a parasite for the rest of the season, but we did get a clue from the clip from the rest of the season. We’ve all seen Hannah yelling “I’ve had sex and Jesus still loves me” at Luke. But this week they added in, “I f**ked in a windmill, and guess what? We did it a second time!”
Do you think Luke will make it to the fantasy suites? Who did Hannah hook up with in a windmill? Why does Hannah have such bad taste in men? Let’s talk in the comments.