This week Hannah Brown took her aggregation of average boyfriends to Newport, Rhode Island where rugby injuries, dating advice from Boston Celtics, lobster fishermen, and tears abound. With only 15 men remaining, a few relationships pulled ahead of the pack but first two men named Luke had to come to fisticuffs. I love this show.
SELF PROMOTION IN BOSTON
When Nashville singer/songwriter, Jed (25) got the first date of the week he smiled and said, “If I had a tail I’d wag it, for sure.” There’s an image I didn’t need; thanks, Jed. Also, thanks for making Hannah feel comfortable enough to be her quirky, silly, best self on your date exploring Boston. The Hannah that makes up facts about the historical buildings around them – no the Massachusetts State Building is not what inspired Mr. Ronald McDonald’s golden arches – is the best Hannah. When they were done perpetuating fake news, Jed and Hannah played basketball with a couple of Boston Celtics who are probably famous but I don’t do sports ball. Mostly this gave Jed the chance to show off his biceps and athleticism.
Their next stop was dinner where Jed admitted to Hannah that he came on the show
for the wrong reasons to promote his music career but now he’s falling in love with her. Was that supposed to be surprising? He carries his guitar and falsetto around like I carry my preschooler, of course he’s there for his music. He doubled down saying that he’s never been in a relationship like this where all he can focus on is her. I’m just spit-balling here but I’m fairly certain that’s just the Stockholm Syndrome talking. Regardless, his captor Hannah appreciated his honesty and told him that she’s “catching feels” before giving him the date rose.
BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS
The group date pitted the Dylan (never talks but laughs at the other guys a lot), Matteo (cute/sperm donor to 114 kids), John Paul Jones (John Paul Jones), Connor (Crush from Finding Nemo), Garrett (professional Golfer), Dustin (nose ring), Peter (plain face pilot), Kevin (hot veteran), Mike (America’s future first black Bachelor), Luke S. (less hot Nick Viall), Luke P. (red flag muscle man), Devin (no clue), and Grant (unemployed/dad-bod) against each other in a rugby match.
If you’ve ever watched rugby you know it’s a merciless sport. If you’ve ever watched Luke P. play rugby you’ve also seen a PSA on the side effects of steroid use. Just kidding about the illicit drug use, I’m pretty sure Luke P. has just never seen a feat of physical strength that he doesn’t want to dominate. He’s like a puppy trapped in a man’s body that likes to pick up smaller people named Luke S. and slam them to the ground.
That was all the ammunition the rest of the men needed. Luke P. was the first rose recipient and has an obvious connection with Hannah which already put a target on his back. Picking on the other, much smaller, much more sensitive, Luke S. was like waving a red flag in front of 13 very bored bulls. Luke P. told Hannah that Luke S. is only there to promote his tequila business and she’s believed him, but golfer Garrett got the date rose.
HE’S HER LOBSTER
The next morning Hannah was supposed to meet Tyler at the local fishing dock for their date, but she could barely pull herself together. We are quickly learning that Hannah would be a terrible poker player because everything she’s thinking is out in the open. Her rough night with the Lukes exhausted her and all she wants is to cry in silence. I prefer to cry in the shower, but that’s just me.
When big, beautiful Tyler arrived he was all smiles and smooth pick-up lines but he quickly realized that what she needed was his comfort. He calmed her, reassured her, told her that he wants her highs and lows, and stole my heart for all eternity. Then they clenched it all by going lobster fishing like a real life reenactment of the Friends episode.
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Their connection continued to grow at dinner where Tyler told her about nursing his dad through a tough medical situation. He wasn’t going to go on The Bachelorette, but his convalescing dad watched Hannah on The Bachelor and became convinced that she’s the woman for his son. Kill me with cuteness, I can’t. Hannah admitted that she thought Tyler was just a fun flirt, but he’s actually what she needed that day. She asked him to accept her date rose and he replied, “always.”
COCKTAIL PARTY? MORE LIKE COCKFIGHT
I, for one, was hoping Kevin was going to arrive to the cocktail party wearing the WWI era shoulder sling he sported at the group date, but alas, all we got was Pilot Peter asking Hannah to be his girlfriend. Hey if a line has worked since the eighth grade, why switch it up? Okay, enough pretending that this party was about anything other than the two Lukes continuing their fight. Wait, are Jed and Tyler matching?
First, my boy Mike put his Bachelor chances at risk when he called big Luke P. a “millenial f****” (a new personal favorite) and an unstable psychopath. This led to what may have been the best moment in Bachelorette history when Luke P. held up a phone with the definition of “psychopath” on the screen to defend himself. No red flags there.
At one point big Luke agreed to tell Hannah he was wrong about small Luke’s intentions and the everyone thought maybe he was going to redeem himself. Nope. Instead he told her that tiny Luke had tried to force him to fix things. Everything devolved into a he said, he said which Dylan summarized succinctly by saying, “I’ve never disliked anyone more in my entire life.”
Just when Hannah sat them down to talk things out the episode ended. To be continued.
Are you team big Luke or team small Luke? Basically I’m just team Tyler all day every day, but you can probably convince me to be team Jed if you want. Let’s talk in the comments. Oh and, are you following my Bachelor Instagram account yet?