This week on The Bachelorette there was simulated child birth with actor Jason Biggs, a photo shoot with a mini horse, a trip to the ER, and a “tailgate party” without a single tailgate or a sporting event anywhere in sight.
God bless the USA.
A LABOR OF LOVE
The first group date of this week resulted in 8 of bachelorette Hannah Brown’s boyfriends having their nipples clamped with clothes pins. Romance really is alive. Don’t worry, this super wholesome show didn’t suddenly become kinkier than usual, they were just simulating breastfeeding, because Hannah wants to have babies some day. It’s a logical leap, really.
Actress Jenny Mollen and her husband, actor Jason Biggs were there to guide the men through a birthing class. It’s a good thing because super hot Tyler C. said, “I don’t really know too much about pregnancy, but that your belly gets bigger and bigger and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier so, uh, I’m excited to learn what else is going on here.” It’s a good thing he’s so pretty.
This date crowned around the time they hooked each of the men up to a labor simulator. I haven’t laughed that hard during an episode of The Bachelorette since they tried to convince me that Rachel Lindsay never loved Peter Kraus.
CAM CAN’T TAKE A HINT
At the after party Hannah solidified her relationship with singer/songwriter Jed when they made a wish on a chicken nugget and chucked it off the roof of a Los Angeles high rise. I don’t get it either. I can’t decide if Jed is attractive or not, but I’m leaning yes based on his quiet confidence. Then again, I’m currently wearing zip up unicorn pajamas so who cares what I think.
My pick for next season’s Bachelor, Mike Johnson, told Hannah that the child birth date reminded him of the second trimester miscarriage he experienced with his ex-girlfriend. This was a really beautiful chance for Mike to connect with
the audience Hannah, but Cam interrupted his story four different times because he “quit his job to be there” and really needed to talk to Hannah. What you really need to do is stop wearing hoodies under a suit jacket with a pocket square, Cam. Mike got the date rose and Cam got everyone’s disrespect.
HANNAH GOES TO THE HOSPITAL
Hannah’s one-on-one date was supposed to involve sailing with 24 year-old Financial Analyst, Connor S., but she cancelled when she ended up in the hospital after a fainting spell. I faked an illness for the entirety of fourth grade to get out of playing the flute in band class, so I get it. Unfortunately she couldn’t just enjoy her day off in peace, she had to invite Connor over in his light wash jeans to cuddle with her. Connor is earnest in his attraction to Hannah, but he speaks like he’s the living embodiment of Crush the surfer sea turtle in Finding Nemo.
She kissed him a bunch and then sent him on his way, but not before he could hide post-it love notes all over her hotel room for her to find. This move always works. Later, after dodging creepy questions from Luke P. about what Hannah was wearing, Connor was invited to meet back up with Hannah for a private concert of Lukas Graham singing that one song of his that everyone knows. Connor got the date rose but I think Hannah would have preferred to finish her nap.
BLINK AND YOU’D MISS IT
The second group date was about to start when it was briefly mentioned that Tyler G. – the man who went on the mudding one-on-one date last week – had left the show. According to the good people of the internet who figured this out weeks ago, Tyler G. was sent home by production due some information they found out about his past dating history. Tyler is allegedly a run of the mill misogynist and now his watch has ended.
NOW IS A GOOD TIME FOR A CROSSOVER
Every once in awhile The Bachelorette gets greedy and agrees to cross promote another show or movie by including it in a date. This week it was a The Secret Life of Pets 2 themed photo shoot. Really, guys? We already know we are living vicariously by watching a show where gorgeous singles date. You don’t need to rub it in that I’m watching with closed captions turned on so I don’t wake up my kids.
The best part of this date was when Hannah’s past cast mate Demi arrived with hired actresses to flirt with the guys while she spied on them. The worst part was that none of them fell for it. Just kidding, the worst part was how Hulk Smash jealous Luke P. got over Hannah kissing Pilot Peter in front of him.
IN A TAILSPIN
At the after party Hannah took Luke P. aside to let him know that his possessive behavior doesn’t work for her. She told him that she wants to call her own shots and that she likes him but needs him to “work harder to fix this.” Luke P. took what she was saying and interpreted it to mean he needed to interrupt all of her other conversations and generally undo all the hard work his abs did last week. He has more red flags than a tourist shop in Beijing.
Meanwhile, Hannah was hitting it off with pilot Peter in a big way. Peter seems to be popular with viewers, with some comparing him to Bachelor Ben Higgins, but I’m less convinced. He’s cute in a very normal way and compares her to flying a lot. I guess that works for her though, because they made out up against a wall in an alleyway which is The Bachelorette equivalent of going steady. He got the rose and Luke P.’s head almost exploded.
WORST TAILGATE PARTY EVER
The next morning, Chris Harrison announced to the men that the cocktail party was being replaced with a tailgate party. Only there was one borrowed tailgate and no sporting event in sight. I’m pretty sure that’s called a barbecue in all 50 states. Luckily this gave the men the chance to show off in front of Hannah and for Tyler C. to make jokes about being a tight end. Did I mention he’s pretty?
Unfortunately most of the tailgate party was commandeered by Cam because he needed to tell Hannah about something that happened “way back in 2014.” So you mean five years ago? It’s not that dramatic, Cam. Ends up it was something about almost having his leg amputated, his grandma dying, and rehoming his puppy. Hannah listened with her eyes glazed over, but then my man Mike told her that Cam had planned the whole thing to get a pity rose. Hannah furiously confronted Cam about it which he tried to deny, but the damage was done.
In the end, Hannah chose to send Cam, Joey and Jonathan home without roses. Couldn’t she have done that like an hour earlier and saved us from having to hear Cam say, “ABC: Always. Be. Cam.” ad nauseam? Think of the people, Hannah! Fortunately red flag Luke P. got a rose so we’ll still have a villain to love to hate this season. Fingers crossed she makes out with plain face pilot Peter in front of him again soon.
Only 15 men remain this season and I’ve changed my top four to reflect it. I think Luke P. is going to make it pretty far, but I didn’t want to look at his face anymore so I replaced him with Peter the pilot.
Do you think Luke P. is scary or am I being too hard on him? Is there any chance Mike will be our next Bachelor? How did you celebrate Cam’s demise? Let’s talk in the comments!