I’ve delivered a human baby from my actual body in less time than it took for Colton’s finale of The Bachelor to wrap up.
Where is Colton?
When we last saw Colton he was jumping an eight foot gate in Portugal and running off into the night after Cassie broke his heart. Honestly, there was nowhere for the show to go but down from there. Accompanied by a cacophony of barking dogs, Chris Harrison and a team of producers scoured the streets looking for him. But, lets be real, he’s a 6’4″, white dude in Portugal so it’s not like he’d blend in with a crowd. Chris shouted into a phone that they might have to call the police but he should have asked for an ambulance because homeboy was out of breath from all that running. Eventually they caught up to a crying Colton who just kept saying, “I can’t do this. I’m done.”
The Morning After
The next morning a bleary eyed Colton put on one of his ubiquitous blue collared shirts and sat through Chris Harrison’s last attempt to convince him to stick with the program. He reminded him that
he’s under contract there are still two women who are in love with him, so he could…technically speaking…just…you know…pick a different one. I know you’ve been hosting this show a long time, Harrison, but women aren’t actually interchangeable. Colton dismissed this suggestion saying that he could never forgive himself if he didn’t fight for someone he loves. Then Chris switched tactics and asked the question all of America has been asking for weeks, “what if she’s just not that into you?” Colton shrugged off this option saying he “reads people well” so he thinks Cassie is in love with him, but is too scared to say.
Tears with Tayshia
With Colton’s mind firmly made up, there was only one more step to take: break up with his other two girlfriends. First up on the chopping block was Tayshia. He hugged her so tightly that you could hear his heartbeat in the mic. Then he told her that he’s in love with Cassie and he can’t love two people at once so talk about mixed signals. A stunned Tayshia asked if they could speak without the cameras, but no one mentioned the mics so we got to hear both of them crying from behind a closed door. Of course, this is The Bachelor so naturally she ended up comforting him during his break-up with her.
Second Thoughts with Hannah G.
Meanwhile, back at her hotel, Hannah G. was luxuriating in the blissful ignorance of burgeoning love when Colton surprised her at the door. Her face lit up like she was sure he was about to choose her, but like everything on The Bachelor, that happiness didn’t last long. He used the same speech as he did with Tayshia telling her that he was falling in love with her, but he’s in love with Cassie. The only difference this time is that Hannah tried to talk him out of it. She told him through her tears that she’s in love with him and that she thought they had a chance together. She begged him to change his mind and to remember that she reminds him of home. It was rough. In the end, Colton stuck to his decision to leave her, but he still sobbed in the hallway asking himself if he was making a mistake.
Remember how I mentioned that they stretched this episode into two nights and four hours? All of the above plus a few annoying live in studio interviews with Chris Harrison took place on night one. You’ll never convince me they couldn’t have condensed this down to a reasonable three hour finale like civilized human beings. Stop being greedy, ABC.
Anyway, the next night opened with Colton knocking on Cassie’s door in Portugal. She was nervous to see him and seemed to be giving serious, “I just broke up with you so please go away” vibes. Colton told her about the infamous fence jump and that he sent the other two women home because he’s so sure about her. She was decidedly less certain about their future than he was, but he’s hot, in love with her, and offering a free trip to Spain to meet his parents so she agreed.
Meet the Family
Colton’s family was in for a big surprise when he told them that they’d only be meeting one girl. Oh and he’s in love with her, but she doesn’t love him yet. Way to set the stage, big guy. As was quickly becoming her M.O., Cassie arrived crying because she worries way too much about what other people think. You know who else cried? Colton’s dad. That’s right, Mr. Clean himself cried real tears because he doesn’t want to see his son get his heartbroken. It didn’t help when Cassie told Colton’s mom that she and he are on different pages. You never heard of a playing it cool, Cassie? The only redeeming grace in this family date was that Colton was completely confident in his decision and it was easy to see why Cassie would fall for someone who could be so steady in such uncertainty.
Last Date of the Season
It’s a good thing Cassie packed so many pairs of mom jeans because they went repelling down a cliff in Mallorca for their last date of the season. When they got down to solid ground Cassie told Colton that she’s not scared of a relationship with him, she’s just scared of relationships in general. Cool, cool, why’d you sign up for this show then? Fortunately for Colton, Cassie grew up listening to DCTalk telling her that love is a verb, so all of his grand gestures have finally paid off. I think? I don’t know I feel like we missed a big part of their relationship development but either way, Colton could barely wait before handing her the key to their fantasy suite. They spent the night together and woke up in love. According to Colton, we can use our imaginations about what happened in the fantasy suite, but he definitely underestimates the depravity of my mind.
After Show Time
At this point in the episode, Colton and Cassie arrived live in studio to show off their matching haircuts and try to convince us that they’re in love. Colton has moved near her in LA, but they won’t be living together or getting engaged any time soon
because she doesn’t actually like him. In a move only The Bachelor could script they ended their journey by dancing to 1980’s hair band Air Supply sing the lyrics “we’re making love, out of nothing at all.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Coming Up Next
But wait, there’s more. You didn’t think The Bachelor would waste thirty free minutes of live television time did you? It was time to announce the next Bachelorette. Alabama Hannah Brown will be the “lucky” woman to date 30 men on national television and hopefully find one who doesn’t make her want to jump over any architectural structure. They went on to have her meet five of her suitors, one of whom made a cunnilingus joke, and then she gave the first rose of her season to a white man named Cam who rapped. Based on the amount of dead air and secondhand embarrassment, let’s all hope that Hannah B. gets a touch more media training before the season starts or we are in for a doozy.
Just like that, the season is over. What did you think overall, dumpster fire or worth jumping over a fence for? I’m leaning towards dumpster fire but I’ve also had the stomach flu for four days so I’m bitter. Do you think Cassie and Colton will make it? Are you excited for Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette? Let’s talk in the comments. I’ll miss you all!