This was me in high school…. does it all make sense now? https://t.co/rUOfzhik4n
— Colton Underwood (@colton) January 30, 2019
This week opened with Colton sending the feuding duo, Onyeka and Nicole, home. What a waste of a perfectly good cliffhanger. With their anti-climatic exit behind us, ten women remain in Colton’s monastic menagerie as they start a new week of dating in Vietnam.
PG-13 with Hannah G.
The first date in Vietnam went to Hannah G. the 23 year-old
Instagram Model Content Creator from Birmingham, Alabama. You’ll remember Hannah G. as the recipient of the First Impression Rose and for looking like a real life LOL Surprise Doll. Except this surprise isn’t copious amounts of glitter; it’s a lesson on how much weight a massage table can hold when two people are writhing on it. Let’s just say those things are surprisingly sturdy. Their spa date featured kissing in a mud bath, full body groping in an outdoor shower, and a make-out session while wrapped in seaweed. The latter of which led to Colton saying he could, “eat that sushi roll.” Stop that right now.
They went deeper (pun intended) at dinner that night when Hannah told Colton that her parent’s divorce caused her to start hiding her emotions. There’s nothing Colton loves more than a vulnerable woman who reminds him of home and lets him grab her butt at will, so she got the date rose.
Another Girl Fight
While Colton was off debauching a legit Disney Princess; Demi, Sydney and Katie were crying because they got invited to “fight for love” on the group date instead of getting their first one-on-one dates. Then again, the group date was punching each other in the face during a Vovinam sparring match while Chris Harrison and the host of Vietnam’s version of The Bachelor commentated, so I’d cry too. What’s next, mud wrestling? Oh wait, Hannah G. and Colton already did that. Unsurprisingly, Colton was his most Colton-self when he expressed surprise that the women were miserable saying, “I wanted this to be fun and enjoyable for everyone.” Quick someone tell him the truth about women and pillow fights before he embarrasses himself.
After Parties are for Quitters
These women are tiny and hard to hide behind, so women like Katie and Sydney are getting paranoid. For good reason. First of all, I have no clue who Katie is and neither does Colton. Her days are numbered, but she got a trip to Asia that only cost her her dignity. Worth it.
Second of all, if you want to be the last woman standing with the Bachelor at the end of this show you can’t ruffle any of his proverbial feathers. I’m looking at you, Sydney. Everyone knows you have to save your true personality for after you get the Neil Lane ring. I’m not saying it’s right, but she’s one beautiful woman among ten infinitely more agreeable beautiful women. Why would he choose to keep her around when she’s making his life harder? Sydney is undoubtedly the prettiest, most physically flexible woman in any room she walks into in the real world, but on The Bachelor she’s cannon fodder. Unsurprisingly she didn’t get the reassurance she wanted from Colton so she left the show.
Wake Me Up When it’s Over
The last one-on-one date of the week went to Kirpa. Who? Precisely. The 26 year-old Dental Hygienist is known for wearing a band-aid on her face last week, flossing Colton’s teeth during dates, and looking vaguely like Sadie Robertson with a tan. Somehow, between the lack of chemistry and the boring conversation, Kirpa ended up with a date rose at the end of the night.
Don’t Leave Me
That night Demi snuck over to Colton’s room to tell him that she’s falling in love with him. Then Colton immediately sent her home in tears. Honestly, how dare you. The man keeps Kirpa but sends Demi home without showing us the respect of putting her on a two-on-one? I’ve never questioned his judgement more. Who else will show Colton all of the handmade gifts her mother sent from federal prison? Who will call the older women cougars and spank Colton with a paddle? I need a moment.
By the time the Rose Ceremony came around there were a measly 8 women left and only one obvious target. Bye, Katie, see you never. Of course she couldn’t leave without first warning Colton to beware of the remaining women who aren’t here for the – you guessed it – right reasons. That made her the third woman in the week to warn Colton about his girlfriends so he’s thoroughly freaked out moving forward with Tayshia, Kirpa, Hannah G., Hannah B., Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather. Colton better jump that fence from the promo next week or I’m going to riot.
Let’s talk about the episode in the comments, but can we also discuss a conspiracy theory I’m working on? Have you ever noticed how in nearly every photo Colton posts he’s holding up two fingers in a peace sign? I’m pretty sure it’s an illuminati-esque signal to the woman he ends up with this season. Could Colton really be that romantic? Does the peace sign represent the v of the virginity he handed her on a silver platter? Do I need a new hobby? Help.