Last week in Vietnam, three of his rejected spousal candidates told him to be careful about whom he chooses because some of his remaining girlfriends have bad intentions. Obviously, there’s no one’s advice a man should respect more than the women he just dumped, so now he’s paranoid. Add in the pressure of hometown dates coming up next week and things are coming to things. And by that I mean the women are fighting and Colton dumps 3 out of 7 by the end of the episode. Heaven.
The Perfect Ben
Colton and his wholesome harem left Asia behind in exchange for a visit to his hometown, Denver, Colorado. Of course, Denver just so happens to also be the hometown of Bachelor royal Ben Higgins. If you know anything about Ben it’s that he
looks like Peter Brady never misses a chance to give innocuous advice that he thinks is profound. Which is exactly what he did over a couple glasses of water in a brew pub. Thanks for nothing, Ben.
Tayshia Tells All
If looks could kill, Tayshia would have died from the eye daggers thrown at her back when she and Colton walked away from the other women for the first date of the week. Then again, I’d be bitter too if I had just wasted time pretending to be interested in Colton’s dog while wearing a sheer bodysuit (I see you, Hannah B. and I respect it).
Tayshia and Colton explored downtown Denver, made dinner at his apartment, talked about how intimidating her dad is, got the date rose and then kissed on his bed while she wore one of his football jerseys. Impressively, she fit all of that in during the small portion of time she wasn’t throwing Cassie and Caelynn under the proverbial bus for not being here for the Right Reasons™.
Colton Confronts Caelynn
The next day, Colton taught Caelynn how to snowboard so she was nice and exhausted when he told her everything Tayshia had said about her. Caelynn kept an oddly blank look on her face as he lobbed accusations that she’s not ready for marriage and she’s only there to be the Bachelorette. She assured him that those things were lies and that she’s there because of her interest in him. It wasn’t until dinner in a western theme restaurant when she cried and confessed that she’s falling in love with him that he truly believed her. She got the date rose, a ticket to hometowns and a private serenade by Brett Young at Red Rocks Amphitheater. Caelynn and Colton are in a good place going into hometown dates, but Tayshia better watch out because Caelynn is on the warpath.
Hannah B. Meets the Parents
The next day Colton surprised Hannah B. with the worst date ever. He took her to meet his parents. Now, I know what you’re thinking, this is a good sign, right? Surely he wouldn’t take her home to meet his parents if he wasn’t serious about her. Guess again. The real point of their date was to give Colton the chance to talk to his gigantic beefcake of a father. Sure, Colton has daddy issues, but in this case he should take his dad’s advice to stop listening to the gossip and just trust his own gut. It was some real Coach Taylor vibes. Even I was ready to put on a football helmet and win the championship after that pep talk.
Sadly, Hannah B. isn’t taking the trophy home this season because Colton sent her home after their dinner in an airport hangar. Say what you want about Hannah B. and her proclivity to constantly smile but she became official Bachelorette bait when she looked at the camera and said, “The desire of my heart is to be loved so fearlessly by somebody. I will not allow myself to not feel chosen every single day. And I’ll wait for whatever that is.”
The Last Group Date of the Season
Colton still had two invitations to hometowns to give out before the week in Colorado could end, so it was off to the mountains for a train ride with Hannah G., Cassie, Heather, and Kirpa. None of them wanted to be there except for Colton who looked like he was about to put on a conductor’s hat and start making choo choo noises. Apparently I wasn’t the only one not feeling it, because Heather took the first moment she could get alone with Colton and sent herself home. Of course, the Bachelor couldn’t let her bask in her one surprising moment of self-confidence, so they made her stand on the back of the caboose while it rolled away from the station.
Then There Were Three
With Heather’s exit, only Hannah G., Cassie, and Kirpa remained with two roses on the line. I can’t imagine a world in which Kirpa makes it to hometowns, but she wasn’t going to go down without a fight. I wish I could say it was a physical fight because at least that would have been fun to watch. Instead she used her time with Colton to smear Cassie’s reputation with the same rumors that Caelynn faced earlier in the episode. Colton confronted Cassie about it which resulted in a lot of tears and her complete denial of the rumors. Then Kirpa and Cassie sniped at each other until Colton chose to delay his rose decision.
Do I think Cassie and Caelynn are perfectly innocent? No, but I also don’t care if they’re not ready to get engaged or have thought about being the Bachelorette. They’ve known Colton for two months and they’re not stupid. Do I think Colton cares? Yes, but not as much as he cares about how hot they are.
Things Get Weird at Dinner
Shortly after sitting down for dinner in a weird formation which placed Colton at the head of the table while the three women bunched together at one end, Colton gave Hannah G. the first of two roses. See you in Alabama, Hannah. That left Kirpa and a tearful Cassie to sit in awkward silence. Then Caelynn broke into their date, stole Colton away, and tried to convince him to keep Cassie. I honestly don’t understand what’s happening anymore. She knows they can’t both end up with him at the end, right? Either way, it worked and Colton gave Cassie the last date rose of the episode. Duh.
Next week Hannah G., Cassie, Caelynn, and Tayshia will all bring Colton home to meet their parents. Do you think he’ll finally jump the fence then? Are you team Caelynn/Cassie or team everyone else? Let’s talk in the comments.