Since we last spoke, Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr. knocked up his second choice fiancé, Lauren Burnham, with an actual human fetus; Shawn Booth and Kaitlyn Bristowe ended their years long engagement, and I had all of my reproductive organs removed. The timing couldn’t be better to introduce the new cast of Colton’s season of The Bachelor to you. I mean, really, who doesn’t want to hear the unsolicited advice of a married 34 year-old mother of three who is four days post-op and high on prescription Oxycodone?
In case you’ve been fortunate enough to forget, 26 year-old former NFL benchwarmer Colton Underwood is this year’s Bachelor. He’s 6’3″, runs a nonprofit for sick kids, loves dogs and has a fully intact hymen. Oh wait, men and most girls who have ever ridden a bicycle don’t have one of those. We get it, he’s a virgin. If you don’t particularly care about his sexual experience this isn’t going to be the season for you. But if you enjoy watching 30 women be coaxed by producers into deflowering a grown man while using “last rose of the night” euphemisms, have I got a show for you.
My unsolicited advice: Take your shirt off, it distracts from the virgin talk.
I’m going to start you off really gentle like it’s
Colton’s your first time with 22 year-old Heather from Carlsbad, CA. Heather’s love of thrill seeking activities is the only explanation for why she’d go on this show when she has never been kissed. What do you think her thought process was? Did she just wake up one day, flip her phone into selfie mode to see her perfect 22 year-old pore-less skin and think, “You know what I need to do? Have my first kiss on television while twenty nine other women wait their turn.”
My unsolicited advice: Go back and kiss that one guy you went to prom with who had the questionable breath. You know the one, we all had him. It’ll be fast, forgettable and you probably won’t get herpes.
23 year-old Alex D. is an account manager for an IT staffing agency in Boston but you’d never know because she chose to list her job as “Sloth.” I’m going to guess this is some play on the fact that Colton “moves slowly” in relationships, but let’s just marinate in the idea that this woman chose the title “Sloth” as her modern day mating call. Sure at some point in every relationship you stop showering at socially acceptable intervals so “your hair can be healthy,” but you gotta slow play that, Alex.
My unsolicited advice: Do not under any circumstances arrive wearing a sloth costume. It’s too late isn’t it?
Elyse and Tracy
Elyse, the 31 year-old makeup artist from Alaska, and Tracy, the 31 year-old stylist from Los Angeles, are beautiful, accomplished, and way too old for this season of The Bachelor. Listen, I’m 34 and have no uterus so I’m in no position to judge. I’m just saying, 30-something woman to 30-something women, you want a husband who can impregnate you with a child, not a husband who is a child.
My unsolicited advice: Freeze your eggs and widen the age range on your Bumble account this dude is not the one.
To be fair to my fellow elder stateswomen, Nina is also 30 years-old, but she has the most dramatic backstory of all time so she’s not going anywhere. Don’t be bitter; you too can have a shot at an intimate one-on-one conversation on camera as long as you once fled for your life amidst “bullets and bombs” (that’s a direct quote from her cast bio). The only thing The Bachelor likes more than a virgin is a war refugee.
My unsolicited advice: Play that ish up but also make sure your papers are in order before the internet finds you.
Caelynn and Hannah B.
If Caelynn, 23 and Hannah B., 23 are familiar to you it’s because your taste in bad TV doesn’t stop at watching The Bachelor. In addition to throwing away their futures every Monday night for the next several months, Caelynn and Hannah B. are the reigning Miss North Carolina 2018 and Miss Alabama 2018. Yes that means they know each other and yes that means I hope there’s unending drama.
My unsolicited advice: There’s no award for congeniality on The Bachelor. Tell us everything.
I stared at Angelique’s (28, New Jersey) boring cast bio for way too long before I realized why she looked so familiar. She’s a dead ringer for Vivica A Fox. Who cares that she makes corny jokes about Colton crossing the road to meet her; with a face like that she’ll at least make it on one of those embarrassing group dates that require the women to dress up in costume “for charity”.
My unsolicited advice: Wait for Will Smith.
Erika the recruiter from Encinitas, CA boasts that her secret talent is “being able to eat whatever she wants without gaining weight.” That’s not a secret talent, that’s called being 25.
My unsolicited advice: Enjoy the complimentary bread at restaurants while you still can.
Caitlin and Kirpa
Both Caitlin, a 25 year-old Realtor, and Kirpa, a 26 year-old Dental Hygenist, waxed poetic about the great state of Colorado in their bios. Not, as you may assume, because they’re from there, but because they filled them out before the Bachelor was announced when they had a 2 out of 3 chance of getting a bachelor from Colorado (Colton or Blake). Well done, ladies. Game respects game.
My unsolicited advice: You should have said Buffalo, New York. Jason has a higher long term earning potential and a solid hair line.
Erin is a 28 year-old Cinderella from Texas. Yes, she described her job title as “Cinderella.” I don’t know if that means she dresses up as a Disney princess for child birthday parties or if she legitimately works at her “step-mother’s home improvement business” like her bio claims, but I do know one thing for certain; I don’t care. Unless she legitimately works as Cinderella at Disneyland, in which case I take back everything I said and will stand in line for hours to see her with my cranky preschooler.
My unsolicited advice: The Disney princess thing stops being cute after puberty unless it’s actively contributing to your 401k.
Hannah G. and Nicole
Hannah G., 23 and Nicole, 25 are both social media strategists who are absolutely under no circumstances here for the wrong reasons. I mean, who cares if they can grow their businesses a hundred fold on night one if love with a mediocre football player is on the line, right?
My unsolicited advice: Next time wear a shirt with straps in your cast photo so you don’t look naked.
Sydney, 27, is a professional NBA dancer who once hitchhiked in China and lived to talk about it on her reality TV cast bio. But forget all of her professional and personal accomplishments, did I mention that she’s never had a boyfriend?
My unsolicited advice: Resist all urges to refer to Colton as your boyfriend at any point during this season. Any man who is concurrently dating 29 other women is not, in fact, your boyfriend.
All you need to know about 25 year-old Tahzjuan is that she has a tattoo on her body that says “I love bad ideas.” I can’t wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.
My unsolicited advice: Let it out, Tahzjuan. The world wants to see it.
Laura and Revian
I’m not saying Laura, 26, and Revian, 24, are only here for the free international travel, but – actually yes I am. That’s exactly what I’m saying. You don’t become successful career women, with fluency in multiple languages to legitimately expect to find love on The Bachelor. You become those things so you can travel for free and hopefully build a social media following big enough to support said travel for the foreseeable future.
My unsolicited advice: Play your cards right and they’ll start paying you to vacation for months at a time in Paradise this summer.
Not only is Bri a dead ringer for Bachelor Ben Higgin’s ex-fiance Lauren Bushnell, but the 24 year-old model’s biggest fear is “farting loudly”. She’s so relatable I can almost hear Neil Lane cobbling a diamond together for her as we speak.
My unsolicited advice: Save the loud farting for the fantasy suite, it’ll be the wildest thing that happens in there.
Demi and Annie
Annie and Demi, both 23, are just small town country girls with big personalities. Annie rides horses and Demi can drive a stick-shift which is just a roundabout way of saying they’re Tia impersonators. Hey, the whole southern belle with a foul mouth shtick worked for Tia…until it didn’t.
My unsolicited advice: Cowboy boots with cutoff shorts aren’t original, but sometimes you gotta work with what you have.
By day 26 year-old dog mom, Catherine is a real estate agent in Fort Lauderdale, but by night she’s better known as DJ Agro a hip-hop DJ. I know, it’s too good to be true.
My unsolicited advice: You’re a 26 year-old white hip-hop DJ in Fort Lauderdale. You’re going to be the villain, it’s inevitable, just embrace it.
I try not to play favorites this early on in a season, but Cassie is a front runner for me. The 23 year-old surfer from Huntington Beach is a Speech Pathologist who hopes to work with children in her own practice someday. She’s so cute that I’m already setting my DVR to record her wedding special with Colton. I mean, they definitely won’t last that long because this is The Bachelor but it’s the new year and I’m resolved to be less negative. (No I’m not.)
My unsolicited advice: Don’t watch back the season. These other women want your man.
Devin and Tayshia
Devin is a 23 year-old Broadcast Journalist with a Master’s Degree who enjoys practicing yoga in her spare time. Tayshia is a 28 year-old Phlebotomist who recently returned from a mission trip to Africa and was a literal Girl Scout for 12 years. Both of them are throwing away all of their Good Place points for a turn at being Colton’s ex-girlfriend. I feel like I’m missing something. Is he secretly rich?
My unsolicited advice: You’re too good for this. Make better choices.
If you follow Colton on Instagram at all you know he’s good for one thing:
shameless self-promotion pictures of himself holding dogs. So many dogs. Which is a good thing for Alex B. the 29 year-old Canadian dog rescuer. In her own words Alex has traveled the world rescuing over 5,000 dogs from slaughter. Luckily for Alex this means she has lots of experience traveling in close quarters with nervous bitches.
My unsolicited advice: Don’t make bitch jokes, you’re better than that.
When she’s not caring for senior citizens as a social worker, Jane (or is it Adrianne?) is a 26 year-old free spirit who speaks Russian. Hold up, she speaks Russian and chooses to go by the name Jane? I’ve read this book. She’s a spy. Nice try, Putin.
My unsolicited advice: Stay off of Twitter.
Onyeka is a 24 year-old Kansan whose favorite pick-up line is “You look familiar”. I can’t imagine why she’s still single. Onyeka is a first generation American of Nigerian descent which has me desperate to see her make it to hometown dates. Please join with me in praying that the Bachelor gods require Colton to eat traditional Nigerian food while her father shoots “What is this white nonsense?” glares across the table.
My unsolicited advice: Don’t take Colton home for the hometown dates.
Courtney and Katie
Here’s the thing Katie, 26, and Courtney, 23, are completely forgettable. No, I literally forgot them. I wrote this entire post, added photos, and pressed submit to my editor before I realized I had left them off. Of course they’re beautiful, accomplished, and probably all around great people, but among a group of DJ’s and Sloths they’re just…normal. Which probably means they’ll have a podcast and merchandise by the end of the season.
My unsolicited advice: Stay normal, it doesn’t pay the bills but you get to keep your dignity.
The Bachelor is back Monday, January 7 on ABC. Will you be watching? Who is your favorite? Let’s talk in the comments.