This week on The Bachelor, in addition to the battling beauty queens, Colton and his 19 remaining girlfriends dressed up in pirate costumes, rode roller coasters with children, and attached themselves to a harness in order to pull a limousine with their non-existent upper body strength. In the words of Chris Harrison, “There will be highs and there will be lows. That’s the way it goes. That’s love.” I couldn’t have said it better myself, Chris.
When Colton’s group date invitation said, “I’m looking for life’s greatest treasure,” I doubt Katie, Heather (never been kissed), Hannah B. (Miss Alabama/hates Caelynn), Courtney, Kirpa, Tracy (lives in the cougar den/hates Demi), Demi (this season’s villain), and Caelynn (Miss North Carolina/hates Hannah B.) expected to perform in a live pirate themed dinner theater. But this is The Bachelor so you better tighten your eye patches.
The women dressed in wench costumes to perform a number of tricks like zip lining and jousting while a live audience ate dinner with their hands. People pay real money for this? I’m going to start charging strangers to watch my three kids eat dinner. Not unlike my preschooler, Demi threw her turkey leg at the stage which was admittedly hilarious, but she’s also barely out of her toddler years herself so maybe it was just a lingering bad habit. Then again, tossing poultry is better than the eye daggers Hannah B. was throwing at Caelynn when she “won” the battle and claimed an extremely awkward kiss from Colton.
After Party Drama
That evening’s after party got off to a disturbing start when Demi blindfolded Colton while she spanked him with a paddle and tried to touch his genitals with a mannequin hand. I’m not making that up. I tend to be team Demi because she’s hilariously aware of the role she’s playing, but there’s nothing funny about non-consensual touching. Also, a mannequin hand? That’s something straight out of the serial killer’s handbook. Someone needs to cross-reference her whereabouts on the night Tupac was murdered (RIP). Just kidding, she was a fetus in 1996.
You’d think molesting Colton with a mannequin hand would be the big story from the night, but the real drama came via beauty queens Caelynn and Hannah B. Hannah B. had her one-on-one date with Colton last week so she came into the night with way too much confidence for someone who pronounces the word “befuddled” as “befumbled.” Apparently the two beauty queens were roommates during the Miss USA pageant before they had an unexplained falling out. But if there’s one thing we know about The Bachelor it’s that the tattletale never gets the Neil Lane ring. I was shouting “nooooo” in slow motion when Hannah decided to tell Colton that Caelynn is not who she seems and if he likes her then he won’t like Hannah. Just like in real life, an ultimatum rarely pays off on The Bachelor so, Caelynn got the date rose.
Some Quality One-On-One Time
The next day Colton took 31 year-old Alaskan make-up artist, Elyse, on a helicopter ride to San Diego where they had a small theme park all to themselves. Just kidding, a bunch of strange kids show up to check to see if Elyse’s ovaries are still working. (They are.) I’m a mom but even I request to be moved away from children in restaurants when I’m on a date. This was my nightmare. Children don’t spark romance, they’re what happens when romance goes right – or wrong depending on who you’re asking.
Lucky for Colton, Elyse loved the time they spent at the park with the kids since it showed that they are “on the same page.” We get it, she’s marginally older than Colton so she must want babies. Fortunately for them both, their dinner that night was kid free. This allowed Elyse to share that she tragically lost her sister to cancer which led her to start a charity for newborns. You know, just like Colton’s nonprofit for children. This in addition to Elyse being a beautiful and smart woman made her an obvious shoe-in for the date rose. The night ended with a private concert where Tenille Arts (I don’t know them either, but the lead singer looks like bachelorette JoJo) sang the lyrics “My hearts breaking, I can’t take this/Time and space, it sucks, I hate this”. Yes, they were singing a break up song. I can’t make this ish up.
Making Them Work For It
If you thought the pirate cosplay date was lame, wait until you hear about Colton making the girls work out on the next group date. I get that their schedule is tight and Colton needs to fit in some exercise, but if a man asked me to do push ups on a second date I’d have an Uber driver taking me through a drive through on my way home faster than you can say “yo quiero Taco Bell.”
The good part? Actor Terry Crews and his wife of thirty years, Rebecca Crews were their fitness coaches. The bad part? Everything else. Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole and Caitlin waited for Sydney to stop stretching her legs behind her head and then they competed in a fitness competition.
More After Party Drama
Compared to the last after party where Hannah B. threw Caelynn under a bus and Demi almost needed to register as a sex offender, this one was a breeze. The good news is that Colton has tons of chemistry with Speech Pathologist, Cassie and a good connection with Phlebotomist Tayshia. The bad news is that Caitlin had absolutely no personality and got sent home from the show in the middle of the date. I honestly didn’t think he had it in him. When even Colton thinks you have no personality, you know you’re in trouble.
Cocktails At The Pool Party
Rather than the usual cocktail all-nighter Colton and the women had a pool party at the mansion. This gave America and Colton the chance to see all of the women in bikinis and Demi the chance to rub oil on Colton’s back. The women pretended not to mind when Colton knocked them off their pool floats and I tried to forget that Elyse threw a dead salmon in this pool on night one.
First Colton checked in with Disney-eyes, Hannah G., to assure her that she was the only one not to go on a date this week because their relationship is so solid. Then he wasted the rest of the party refereeing Caelynn and Hannah B.’s beauty queen drama. Both women accused the other of being manipulative, a liar, and toxic. Hannah B. begged him to just trust her, while Caelynn said she has a sad backstory that explains everything. Colton sat with production in agony because he likes them both. The producers feigned understanding while they rubbed their hands together in anticipation of the inevitable two-on-one showdown.
Despite their attempt to drag it out, both Caelynn and Hannah B. made it through the Rose Ceremony and will be joining the other 14 women in Singapore. Dog mom Catherine, fake-Aussie Bri, and Nina (no clue who she is either) were sent home. The only sad thing about that is that we never got to hear about Catherine’s career as a DJ in Fort Lauderdale. I feel robbed. Next week Demi will continue to be the villain and there will be more beauty queen break downs.
I’m kicking Hannah B. out of my top three after this week but Cassie and Hannah G. are holding on strong. Who do you think is a front-runner? Do you care about the beauty queen drama? Do you think Demi is a villain or just young? Let’s talk in the comments!