Who will prevail? Who will fall? Who will finally deal with the Magrethe situation? Find out in this week’s top 5 moments of Vikings – The Joke:
Survivor: New Flokistan
Floki has barely even begun to build his communal Utopia with his glassy-eyed followers, and there is already a revolution brewing. While everyone else is looking through “mead goggles,” and pretending the barren, frigid rock they are stranded on is some kind of Eden, Eyvind is the only one who sees the writing on the wall:
OMG New Flokistan is adorbs!
Floki is learning the hard way that “having a cockamamie idea” is not the same thing as “making a thing work.” In total Floki-fashion gives his followers a meaningless task to distract them from any murderous impulses, then checks out to spend quality time with his raven, leaving Kjetl Flatnose and his daughter to serve as chief Utopia cheerleaders. Current Survivor scoring:
Kjetl Flatnose: +1 for spunkiness and can do spirit!
Eyvind: +2 for calling out Floki’s nonsense, but -10 for searing the image of licking Floki’s ass into my brain. I hope you get voted off first.
Ivar: doing it for the LOLZ
Last week Lagertha expressed her misgivings about plunging her queendom into war, so this week she tries one last-ditch effort to make a reasonable case for peace to Ivar (haha), to shame him into backing down by calling him a usurper (hahahaha), to appeal to Ivar’s sense of fraternal love and commitment (hahahahahaha), and to present a vision of harmony in the kingdom to Ivar that averts needless bloodshed (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)! Ivar, unsurprisingly, is swayed into backing off (HAHAHA – wait – whut?!!!!)
Yes, Ivar sees the light and agrees to break with Harald, join with his brothers, and forgive Lagertha for killing his mother. Splendid! The mead is broken out, and they all raise their beer horns to peace, and Ivar blesses the event by saying: “JK!!!!! LOL!!!!!! I will never forgive you, Lagertha, now let’s get to some killing, because IT.IS.ON.”
Better luck next time, Lags.
Get your war on!
In the wake of failed diplomacy, the only thing left to do is some good old-fashioned Vikingsing! Yessssssss, we finally get to see what these armies are capable of!
Okay Norsemen – in formation!
An epic battle commences, and it is glorious! Here are some of my thoughts/questions on the action:
- Jonathan Rhys Meyers’s opening sashay is everything I want from a murderous bishop itching to draw some pagan blood.
- Do these guys ever wash their faces? I mean, they haven’t done any fighting yet, and they are filthy!! Somebody needs to invent the washcloth asap.
- I feel like Ivar’s departure to protect the ships was a ploy of some kind – but what? I originally thought he was going to peel off to sack Kattegatt, but now maybe he was hoping Harald would be slaughtered, along with any contest for the throne?
- I also suspect that Ivar sent Hvitsirk off to a flank to draw out any surprise attacks. Did he knowingly send newly devious Hvitsey into a trap now that he’s become a threat to Ivar?
- I have seen the same 2 shieldmaidens get killed multiple times this season – are the Vikings are engaging in some serious black magic to revive their dead? Or are there only 2 avaiable female extras in Ireland?
- IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE LAGERTHA FIGHTING LIKE A BADASS AGAIN! So tired of all her forgivey-ness! Here’s hoping she opens some of that whoopass on Magrethe when she returns to Kattegatt!
- And most importantly:
Did Heahmund just make googly eyes at Lagertha?
In the press of violence and bodies, the clash of swords all around, his blade “slaked with the blood of Pagans,” Heahmund takes stock of the battle, an LO! Across the field, what is that vision? It is that of a beauteous maiden adorned in a blood-soaked tunic, face twisted in brutal concentration as she dispatches her enemies with lethal grace. The world slows around him, smitten with her majesty, so much so that he doesn’t even hear the whirr of the blade as it delivers its death blow to his back.
Heahmund’s fall signals the defeat of Ivar’s army, which retreats to with tails tucked firmly between legs. Lagertha finds a semi-concious Heahmund, and spares him from Ubbe’s blade. She can’t say why, but we all know why. Stop fighting it, Lagertha! Say yes to love!
Shhhh, Jen. Shhhhh.
(Seriously, please, please, please make “Heahgertha” a thing, guys! It would be so amazing!!!!)
Don’t know why, but i do.
So I guess that’s it then. Ivar will see his defeat as the will of the gods, and quietly disappear into a life of obscurity selling hand-crafted baubles to pilgrims visiting Odin’s temple. Job well done Kattegattians!
“That’s the end of that!” – TC
Learn more about Ivar’s new locally-sourced, fair-trade biz venture on next week’s Vikings! Until then
What will Ivar do next? Does Lagertha understand how big a responsibility a new pet Christian is? Will Alfred ever get the attention he craves from his not-father? Will the residents of New Flokistan perish, or will they evolve to survive on a diet of sharp rocks and despair?