However, once every three years, I attempt to find ESPN on my television, find a comfortable spot on my couch, and watch every tantalizing second of Monday Night Football. Why?
To watch the new Star Wars trailer.
Disney, which owns ESPN (along with owning your second household pet, the article “a,” Greenland, the air you breathe into your left nostril, and any child actor who overly emotes) knows that Star Wars fans will do anything, and I mean anything to watch a two minute trailer of the next film. If that means we have to sit through almost three hours of overly paid, overly aggressive, and overly concussed men dressed in lycra and wearing helmets that make their heads look like penises crash into each other, then so be it.
Based on The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi’s trailer debuts, many fans have speculated that it’s about that time when Disney and Lucasfilm drops the next trailer. While the teaser gave us a gravity defying Rey and a Kylo Ren body check, and the D23 reel gifted us with Dark Rey and Kylo’s strut, here’s just what I’m hoping to see in the Monday Night Football trailer:
Force Ghost Luke and Dying Leia
I’m 100% certain we’re saying goodbye for reals to Princess Leia in this film, and not getting another Mary Poppins in a galaxy far, far away moment. If we are getting a Leia death scene, I’m hoping her last conversation is with her brother, telling him “I regret it. I regret it all.” Only she’s not talking about Ben turning to the dark side, but about making out with her brother because that’s the pink tauntaun in the room that no one talks about.
Remember the character that made fanboys lose their shit because they have zero grasp on reality and absolutely nothing better to do in their lives,
like get laid, make an actual human connection, shower ? Well, Rose Tico is missing from almost all major promotional material. We do know that Kelly Marie Tran is in TROS thanks to her appearance at D23 and her soon to be released Funko Pop figurine.
It would be nice to see her in action, not just as a mouthless, plastic toy with lashes sponsored by Rodan and Field’s Lash Boost.
I remember #WheresRey around the first Force Friday, but what makes #WheresRose more insidious is all the evidence of where she was designed into merch and then willfully removed. The fan conduct toward Rose/KMT was shameful and catering to those fans sends the worst message pic.twitter.com/D85iLBghos
— Jenny Nicholson @ Halloween (@JennyENicholson) October 4, 2019
More, um, Touching
If this is first base in the Star Wars universe…
I would like to see what a home run looks like. Not even that. Just give me second, rounding to third base. Preferably with Rey and Ben Solo. On the Falcon. In Lando’s former cape closet.
Smiling once. Just once. Or the very least a smirk. We know it runs in the family.
The Real Reason for Dark Side C-3PO
Apparently, we’re going to get a Dark Side C-3PO or perhaps a droid who doesn’t shut his eyes while swimming in chlorinated pools.
Is it just me or does anyone else want to see C-3PO finally lose his shit and go to the dark side because not one person* in the rebellion ever said a simple “Thank you” to the protocol droid?! He’s been on more rescue missions than any other character, is fluent in over seven million forms of communication, and was the one-time god to a group of oversized Teddy Ruxpins ready to barbecue Han Solo. Can’t a droid ever get props?!
*Sure, Luke said, “Thank You,” to him on Endor. However, that was after Luke force lifted him above a crowd of ewoks, almost causing 3PO to piss his eunuch gold plated banana hammock.
More Dark Rey
We may have only seen less than two seconds of Dark Rey, but this possibility is my life now. Is she a vision of the future? Did she succumb to the darkness that Luke sensed in her? Did she discover Morrissey and Billie Elish on the same day?
Who’s to say but I do know that she’s rocking that red double staff saber like a boss and will essentially be the stuff of cosplay dreams at next year’s SDCC. Plus, there’s some ah-mazing NSFW fan fiction that explores the Dark Rey storyline, especially this one from our favorite Star Wars fanfic writer, Diasterisms. Read for the Dark Rey; stay for how Kylo Ren brings her back to the light, multiple and multiple times.
Yeah, I bet you do, you scoundrel.