Typically I’d hope to experience the roller coaster of the finale with you in a full recap, but I was in Florida
stalking Tyler sweating my actual face off in DisneyWorld with my family so it’s old news by now. I wish you could have seen me when I realized we planned our trip for the same time as the finale. I looked like Jed when someone makes fun of his dog food jingle. I can’t leave the season hanging without a windmill-esque climax though so here are the highlights.
PETER GETS A HAPPY ENDING
It feels like it’s been years since Luke was finally sent home after crashing the last rose ceremony, but when the first episode of the two part finale opened, we still didn’t know else was sent home. Turns out it was a very heartbroken Pilot Peter’s turn to take-off. His goodbye was gut-wrenching but it was his live interview in studio with Chris Harrison and Hannah where he really shined. Mostly because Hannah admitted that their encounter in the windmill didn’t just happen twice, but four times. Even Peter’s parents – who were in the live audience cheering and laughing – were impressed. If there’s one thing we can say for Pilot Peter, he really knows how to stick a landing.
TYLER AND JED MEET THE FAMILY
At this point only the world’s most perfect man, Tyler and the world’s most mediocre singer/songwriter, Jed remained. That meant it was time for Hannah to introduce them to her father’s truly glorious head of hair. Basically her family and all of America loved Tyler. He was genuine, convincingly in love with Hannah, and hot as hell. I’ve been married for a bulk of the 21st century and even I spent some time researching polygamy laws for Tyler. He’s perfect.
Then there was Jed who Hannah’s mother aptly described by saying, “he has…qualities.” Basically they didn’t take Jed seriously. They weren’t impressed by his career trajectory as a singer/songwriter despite Jed’s greatest achievement to date of signing a contract to write a dog food jingle.* I wonder what they would have said about his moonlighting as a dancer at an all-male review show. (That’s a real thing he did.) Of course, Hannah is 24 years-old so she’s still at the age where she doesn’t think her parents know what they’re talking about. She and Jed quickly turned the adversity into an “it’s us against the world” pact which basically never works outside of romance movies.
*you’re going to want to click that link.
TYLER IS EVERYTHING
Tyler and Hannah spent their last date riding horses, but I kept pausing it to replay him saying “I love you” so I missed some of it. Have I mentioned he’s perfect? Hannah though so too, but in the end perfection wasn’t enough because he was the first one out of the limo on proposal day. He began a proposal worthy of a Jane Austen hero, but Hannah interrupted him and told him he wasn’t the one.
Imagine having the chance to spend the rest of your life with Tyler and choosing literally anyone else. The audacity. Tyler was a class act to the end, telling her “it’s gonna hurt, but I’m still going to be your biggest fan rooting for you. I wish you and Jed nothing but success. I really mean that.”
JED IS AHEAD, THEN DEAD
Jed and Hannah’s final date was on a yacht where Hannah became violently ill due to rocky waters. Talk about foreshadowing. But, with Tyler sent home, it was only a matter of time before Jed arrived to propose to Hannah…with his guitar. You can’t write this ish. He sang her a slightly off-key song while she swooned and then he proposed with an oval cut diamond and she gleefully accepted. Bask in this happiness while you can, guys, because it isn’t going to last.
The next scene was filmed mere weeks later when Hannah confronted Jed with the People Magazine story about his other girlfriend, Haley. Apparently he had mentioned his other relationship to Hannah after their engagement, but he downplayed it. In fact, he continued to downplay it saying that they barely dated despite going on two vacations together, exchanging “I love you’s” and meeting each other’s parents. Super casual. To be fair, she did throw him a surprise party and the cake was really good (a real thing he said). He also said that while he didn’t verbally break up with his other girlfriend, he broke up with her in his heart. Hannah may have poor taste in men but even she knows that’s not a real thing, so she ended their engagement.
LET’S GO LIVE
At this point in the episode Hannah appeared live in studio with Chris Harrison to confirm that she’s single and mad as hell. Jed came on stage to kinda sorta apologize, but Hannah wasn’t buying. He lied to her and made her feel like a fool so they’re all the way over. Just like his career.
That meant Hannah was single and ready to mingle – with Tyler. Can’t say I blame the girl. She had to shoot her shot, which Tyler graciously accepted in the form of a plan to get a drink together at an undetermined time in the future. Chris Harrison said he “ships” it, but I think we all deserve Tyler as the Bachelor so I hope he shuts that down real fast. Tyler Cameron is no one’s second choice.
In the end this season of The Bachelorette ended up being about Hannah finding great love not with a man, but with herself. She is no longer the insecure girl she was on Colton’s season. She’s strong, worthy, and she’s going to be just fine. I’d watch a second season of her as Bachelorette with pleasure.
Don’t be sad it’s over! Bachelor in Paradise premieres this Monday and will air four hours of cringe every Monday and Tuesday night for the next several weeks. I have never been more excited for anything in my entire life other than when Tyler followed my instagram page. That includes my wedding day and the births of my three children.
What did you think of Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette? Do you ship her with Tyler or want him all to yourself like me? Does Jed deserve mercy or our roasting? Who will be the next Bachelor? Let’s talk in the comments.