Hannah probably should have mentioned that perspective to her producers, because this episode – like all fantasy suite episodes- was about one thing: s-e-x. Who was having it, who wanted to have it but wouldn’t, and who was judging everyone else for having it.
Hold on, I’m having flashbacks to church summer camp.
PETER TAKES FLIGHT
Peter and Hannah had the first fantasy date in Greece where they dry humped on a sailboat in the Aegean Sea. Aphrodite would be proud. While their physical chemistry is hot enough to fry a falafel, Peter struggled to tell Hannah that he’s in love with her. It’s a good thing he finally said the words though, because their next stop was – wait for it – a hotel suite IN A WINDMILL.
Pardon the pun, but I did not see that coming. Sweet Peter the pilot was the man Hannah infamously “f***ed in a windmill.” He must have taken one look at the propeller on that windmill and felt right at home. The next morning there were a lot of sexual innuendos like “we came together so much last night,” but it was also sweet with genuine declarations of love. Just like that, Peter slid into a top position.*
*sorry I couldn’t help myself. I’ll try harder next time.
TYLER GETS TOUCHY
Here’s what you need to know from Hannah and Tyler’s fantasy spa date: Tyler wants Hannah, Hannah wants Tyler, Hannah told Tyler she didn’t want to have sex with him in the fantasy suite, Tyler respected her boundaries. Interspersed in there was some heavy petting on a massage table, but truly this was mostly about the fact that Tyler is the modern male feminist this show has always deserved.
The next morning Hannah said he’s the most respectful man she has ever been with, but it was also clear that their relationship had reached a new emotional level. Tyler didn’t hold back his “I love you” and Hannah cried as he was leaving the date. Pillow talk does a body good.
JED HAS A LOT OF OPINIONS
Jed and Hannah had the worst fantasy date of the group and I’m not mad about it. They attended a big fat Greek dinner and got berated with relationship questions from a man who called the drink he served them “Greek viagra.” But the big theme of their date was Jed’s anger that Luke is still on this show. Way to be relatable, Jed.
My interpretation of his decision to pick a fight about Luke comes down to two options. One, he is confident that he’s Hannah’s man and therefore has the right to an opinion about what she does. Or two, he was self-sabotaging because he left a girlfriend at home and knew she had People Magazine on speed-dial. Either way, Hannah wasn’t happy with the confrontation, but it didn’t stop her from waking up next to him the next morning looking as satisfied as one of the feral cats roaming the streets of Crete.
LUKE CAN’T HELP HIMSELF
Okay enough about everyone else, let’s get to the main event. To be fair, Luke had every reason to go into the evening of his fantasy date thinking that he and Hannah were on the same page. They had just spent a dream day making out in Santorini and Hannah has straight up said that she was falling for him. For a simple guy like Luke, who by all standards appears incapable of thinking in nuance, all systems are go for a chaste engagement, fifty year marriage, a hunting dog and 2 children named Luke Jr. and Lucy. All they had left to do was sign the marriage contract in born-again-virgin blood.
Things went downhill when Luke started quoting Hebrews and told Hannah that he expects his wife to “keep the marriage bed pure.” If you grew up in the christian purity culture of the early 2000’s like I did, you know this came straight from a “True Love Waits” pamphlet, but I digress. He told her that if, hypothetically speaking, she slept with all three of the other remaining men on the show, he’d have to remove himself from the relationship. I mean, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect fidelity from your future wife, but also, learn how to read the room.
HANNAH GOES OFF
The Bachelorette wants you to think it was sex-shaming that initially offended Hannah. But, I think it was that he never stopped to ask her what she wants or expects from their relationship. He assumed they had the same views because of their faith and because he’s a genuinely terrible listener. He never considered for a moment that she’d have a different perspective, which is a trait he’s exhibited all season and symbolizes how small his worldview is. His words – however he originally meant them and despite how valid his point of view is – made Hannah feel like he thought she couldn’t be a Christian if she believed differently. That’s an offense he wasn’t coming back from.
She exploded in anger telling him that he’s not her husband and she doesn’t owe him anything. Then she finally reached the same moment of clarity we all had back on episode two and asked Luke to leave. Of course, it’s Luke so he refused to go but she looked him dead in the eyes and said “I can probably get you to go into that limo. I have had sex and Jesus still loves me. But, from how you feel – me f***ing in a windmill – you probably want to leave.” Luke looked down at the ground with clenched fists and – I’m not making this up – asked if he could pray over her before he left.
The episode ended there and I’m tired so this recap is too. Next week Luke crashes the rose ceremony because of course he does and we should see the Men Tell All special. Which was your favorite date of the week? Who do you think the final two are? My dream would be Tyler and Peter at the end, but I think Jed will nudge his big head in there. Let’s talk in the comments.