If I wanted to spend two hours watching people throw chicken nuggets and pick fights I would have paid better attention to my kids today.
*I don’t have self-control with carbs either
LUKE COMES BACK
Last week’s episode ended with Hannah’s middle finger pointed at Luke’s retreating back after he shamed her for having sex in a windmill. (That’s probably the weirdest sentence I’ve ever written.) This week picked up at the missing rose ceremony where pilot Peter, feminist bro Tyler, and singer/alleged cheater Jed arrived to find out who was being sent home next. But wait, there’s Luke sneaking through the back door and getting in line with the rest of them like he hadn’t just been kicked off the show. I’d love to know which human growth hormone is responsible for the size of his metaphorical balls.
When Hannah arrived and saw him standing there she furiously demanded that he leave. But he refused to go — again — because he thought she was “leading with her emotions.” So she picked up the rose podium and blocked him out. Once Hannah had clearly proven that she was capable of handling Luke on her own, her other boyfriends came to her defense. Well, Jed and Tyler did, Peter kinda hid behind Hannah like he was waiting for an air marshal to intervene. Luke told them not to lay their hands on him and Tyler said, “or what?” effectively destroying the last vestiges of my ovaries. Then Hannah told Chris to send Luke home for good and we still don’t know how the rose ceremony ended.
LUKE TELLS ALL
The remaining hour and forty five minutes of the Men Tell All was dedicated to bloopers, John Paul Jones throwing chicken nuggets into the live audience, Mike continuing his Bachelor campaign, and Luke. Mostly Luke though.
Luke didn’t do himself any favors by blaming all of his problems on editing and being misunderstood. He definitely didn’t fix his reputation when he said he wouldn’t change a thing about anything he did. Really, no regrets about throwing deli meat, Luke? Things got worse when he said he saw his relationship with Hannah as a “rescue mission.” But it was when he said “a man is supposed to lead and guide a woman in a relationship” that really sealed his fate. Wrong show, bro.
HANNAH’S APOLOGY TOUR
After the rest of the men got the chance to pile on Luke, Hannah took her turn. Unsurprisingly, she stood by her decisions and expressed her disgust with the “slut” shaming she has received. She came on strong and was un-apologetically herself, which eventually led to Luke leaving the stage altogether. Then she closed out the Men Tell All by staring into the camera and apologizing to America for keeping Luke on the show for so long.
For what it’s worth I still want Tyler and Peter to be the last two standing, but I think it’ll actually be Jed and Tyler. Unless the windmill encounter with Peter was so good that she could send Tyler home despite all of his Tyler-ness. Either way, why is Jed still here? I’m in such denial about what’s happening, but the season finale is next week. Unfortunately, I’ll be in Disney World with my three kids so I have no idea when my usual recap will drop but you can always find me on Instagram for Bachelor memes. Plus, this trailer for Bachelor in Paradise should tide us over.
— Bachelor in Paradise (@BachParadise) July 23, 2019
Jordan is back? Demi is bisexual? Dean has a mustache?
Did you feel bad for Luke at the Men Tell All? Who is Hannah going to end up with? What are you more excited for, the finale or Paradise? Let’s talk in the comments.