You get The Bachelorette. That’s it, that’s the joke.
This week Hannah Brown visited the hometowns of Peter, Tyler, Luke, and Jed with the intention of getting engaged to one of them in 3 weeks time. I take longer to decide what I’m going to eat for dinner, but we all have our things.
PETER MAKES HER FLY
Hannah’s first hometown date is with Peter the 27 year-old pilot from Westlake Village, CA. All I’m saying is that if Peter is my Delta Airlines pilot the next time I schlep my three kids across the country to visit family, I might have a better attitude about things. Hannah, in a relatable moment, spent a drive to his airport, where he was taking her flying, snooping through the console of his Mercedes sports car. She found the usual; mints, a picture of Jesus, and a condom. Good breath, loves Jesus, and probably doesn’t have any venereal diseases? Score one for Peter.
Peter was in his element both in the air and when he took Hannah home to meet his family. No, he was literally in his element because he still lives at home. Guess we just figured out how he can afford the Mercedes. In a word, Peter’s family was lovely. His dad, Peter, had the quintessential quivering pilot’s mustache when he cried over his son’s happiness. Mom, Barbara was sweet and bubbly and randomly spoke in Spanish. His brother Jack was protective but also looked like he’s of legal age so we can comment on his attractiveness. What’s not to love? Apparently nothing because Peter is head over heels for Hannah despite not being ready to say the L-word yet.
TYLER MAKES HER DANCE
Here’s to hoping Hannah used some of Peter’s frequent flier miles because her next stop was Jupiter, Florida, the hometown of 26 year-old general contractor, Tyler. A quick Google search taught me that Jupiter is located right next to West Palm Beach so everything you’re picturing is accurate. Assuming you’re picturing Tyler’s abs on a boat, that is.
After dancing at a local bar they met with Tyler’s family where it became clear that he’s the backbone of the family. So you’re telling me that he’s not only stupid hot, he also cares for his ailing father, supports his mother emotionally, mentors his younger brothers, and runs the family business? This is a Nicholas Sparks book minus the gratuitous death scene waiting to happen. Tyler’s family is great, his sexual chemistry is off the charts with Hannah, and he told her that he’s falling in love with her right before she straddled him in the back of her SUV.
LUKE MAKES HER PRAY
A short alligator ride up the coast took Hannah to Gainesville, Georgia, the hometown of 24 year-old import/export manager, Luke. In this case I’m pretty sure “import/export manager” is a euphemism for “amateur crossfit athlete.” Luke wanted to show Hannah what a normal day is like for him so he took her to a bible study at what appeared to be the local elks lodge. Luke gave his “I used to have a lot of sex but then God spoke to me in the shower” testimony and suddenly everything made sense. Luke is the hot guy at youth group. If you’ve ever attended a youth group you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, ask God about it in the shower next time.
The compliments for Luke continued at home when he introduced her to his family. Everyone from his 96 year-old grandmother to his sister-in-law said that the argumentative man Hannah described Luke as is not the Luke they know. They had nothing but good things to say about him and you could see Hannah start to feel confident in her decision to keep him around despite all the drama of the season. At the end of the night, Luke told Hannah that he’s in love and she said in an interview that she’s falling in love with him too.
JED MAKES HER SING
The last stop on Hannah’s tour de fiance was Nashville, Tennessee, where 25 year-old singer/songwriter Jed resides. He took her to a music studio where they wrote and recorded a love song together. Hannah is so smitten that she said “there’d be moments when he’d just talk and I’d be like, ‘thank you Lord, so much’.” She already told Jed that she’s falling for him, but it was beaming from her eyes while he strummed his guitar
to help his career for her. She’s in l-o-v-e.
Things took a sudden turn for the worse when she met Jed’s family. It’s hard to tell what’s editing and what was actual dislike, but his parents and sister were not easily impressed. His mom gave a toast saying, “here’s to everyone trusting their intuition and their gut everyday and when you stick to your truth, it’s beneficial to everybody.” Okay, that was weird, but if she was saying it because she knew he had another girlfriend? That’s some next level tea.
As if things weren’t already awkward enough, Jed’s mom told Hannah that he’s not ready to get engaged. Yikes. Then his sister said she doesn’t think it’s a good thing for Jed to fall in love with her. Double yikes. His dad said some stuff too, but I was busy trying to figure out who Jed inherited his forehead from. Hannah left the date with shaken confidence saying, “my fear is either our relationship or his music will suffer.” I’d say that’s a safe bet, Hannah.
ROSE CEREMONIES MEAN NOTHING
The next thing we knew, we were back at the Bachelor Mansion. It was finally time to find out which three men were going to the fantasy suites. Pilot Peter got the first rose, my boyfriend Tyler got the second and then Hannah ran out of the room. She couldn’t decide who to send home. So – like every baby boomer’s perception of the parent of a millennial – Chris Harrison let her have what she wanted. Hannah got a fourth rose to hand out and no one was sent home.
Next week Hannah will fight about her sex life with Luke in Greece. Riveting. At this point my top pick to win the season is Jed because she’s crazy about him, but I’d gladly take her Tyler/Peter leftovers. Who do you see as the next Bachelor if it came from this group? Who did you think was going home this week? Let’s talk in the comments.