Dating in 2019 seems like a blast.
Only nine men remain on Hannah’s quest for the one ring to rule them all and four of them have never had a date alone with her. Sounds like a recipe for true love to me. Let’s do this.
GARRETT BARES ALL
The first date in Latvia went to golf pro Garrett who grew up an hour down the road from Hannah in Birmingham, Alabama. They make a beautiful couple with their good hair, tight pants, matching southern accents and zero chemistry. No really, they bungee jumped from a cable car in the snow while topless and strapped together and I still didn’t see sparks. I saw several black censor boxes, but no sparks.
At dinner Garrett told Hannah made a lot of jumping metaphors and then said he’s falling in love with her “big time”. She appreciated his support when she was nervous
about being strapped naked to a virtual stranger and that he opened up to her. He got the date rose and then they kissed in the street in front of a man playing a cello, as you do.
LUKE MAKES EVERYTHING ABOUT HIMSELF
Garrett came home from his date and told all of Hannah’s other boyfriends that he’d been naked with her earlier that day. Seems normal. The other men realized that this show is insane so they laughed it off and moved on. Except Luke. Luke’s head exploded with jealousy and said “her body is her temple – to expose it to anyone who wasn’t her husband? That was a slap in my face.”
TYLER IS MY EVERYTHING
Unfortunately for the other men, Luke ended up on the group date with bachelor bait Mike, singer/cheater Jed, nose ring Dustin, laid back Connor, and bff Dylan. They explored a Latvian marketplace where Dustin ate a fish head in a desperate attempt for attention, Hannah got tipsy on moonshine, they arm wrestled a truly giant human and Tyler continued to earn my undying affection. All in a day’s work.
That evening Tyler further cemented his place in our hearts and Hannah’s when he got the date rose. Boy did he earn it. Sure he’s a smooth talker, but like his dimples and perfect face, it works for him. He’s genuinely amazed by her strength, encourages her to be herself and said, “she’s got the ability to move mountains.” Compare that to Luke who has said he wants to move mountain for her. Those two shouldn’t be allowed to breathe the same air.
Speaking of Luke, he was spinning out of control. He asked the other men if they felt the same he did about her date with Garrett and Tyler was like “chill, she’s the bachelorette.” But Luke has no chill so used his alone time to berate Hannah for bungee jumping naked with another man. He felt cheated on, he felt betrayed – but don’t worry Hannah – he’ll be with you through “all of your boneheaded mistakes.”
SAUNAS ARE HOT
The next day Hannah and pilot Peter traveled to the Latvian countryside for their first day alone together. Peter is a fan favorite, but for the life of me I don’t get why. He’s cute in a boy next door way and he’s a pilot so the free travel would be nice, but he doesn’t have much personality. Then again what he lacks in personality he makes up for in pure sexual chemistry with Hannah.
They experienced a traditional Latvian spa day which was mostly a reason to see them get sweaty and writhe around on top of one another in a sauna. Hannah said that Peter makes her feel “like a woman” and Peter said “if this works out we are 100% getting a sauna at her place.” He, like, told her, like, that he’s, like, falling for her and, like, that’s, like hard for him, but then -in a surprising white boy twist- he spoke to her in Spanish without uttering the word “like” once, so he was as shoo-in for the date rose.
JED GETS DESPERATE
The moment Peter returned from his date, Jed grabbed his guitar and booked it to Hannah’s hotel. He stood outside her balcony and serenaded her with a song. She invited him inside where he continued to sing to her until she took his guitar away and slid into his lap. He told her that he’s falling in love with her and if I didn’t know anything else about Jed I would think he meant it.
Sadly, we do know more. Last week People magazine printed an interview with a woman who claims Jed was her boyfriend through filming. She said he was going on on the show for his career (which he admits) and that he wanted to make it to the top five before coming home to her. Is it possible that he’s really falling in love with Hannah? Yes. Is he cheating cheater who cheats? Also yes.
LUKE IS STILL TALKING
It was finally about time for the cocktail party, but first Hannah wanted to speak to Luke in private. Dear God, please put me out of my misery and get rid of this guy.
She had given what he said on their previous date some thought and it wasn’t sitting well with her. She re-emphasized that the bungee jumping wasn’t sexual, but wanted to be clear that even if it had been, “at this point it doesn’t matter because you aren’t my husband, it’s my body.” Slow clap for Hannah.
Luke turned the gaslight up to ten with a quickness. He apologized, not for being wrong, but for being misunderstood. He looked at her sideways and questioned if she really remembered what he said. He twisted her words and said, “I’m never gonna control you”. What is it, opposite day?
LUKE CAN’T DRIVE
Luke walked into the hotel suite where the other men were waiting and told them that he wouldn’t be sharing what Hannah said. Instead he wants all of the men to “stay in their lane.” Of course he’s incapable of actually minding his own business so this turned into an argument. As everything involving Luke does.
The other men hilariously called him out on his hypocrisy, but the best part was when Tyler compared Luke standing in a speedo in front of crowds earlier in the season to Hannah bungee jumping naked. We stan a man who calls out fragile masculinity.
Chris Harrison walked in during all of the “stay in your lane” talk and announced that Hannah canceled the third cocktail party in a row. The men were furious with Luke who stood there with a dumb look on his face saying it wasn’t his fault. Have I mentioned how much he sucks?
Hannah arrived to the rose ceremony in a green ball gown where she told the men that she thinks her husband is in the room. But it won’t be Dylan or Dustin because they were sent home. That means…you guessed it…Luke is still on this show.
Top Picks, No Spoilers
At this point Luke isn’t going anywhere any time soon but I never want to voluntarily look at him again so my top three are Jed the cheater, Peter the Spanish speaking Pilot and everyone’s favorite feminist, Tyler.
Next week The Bachelorette goes to the Netherlands where Luke is going to cause more problems. I really just need him to go away. Who is your favorite guy left on the season? Do you believe the Jed accusations? Let’s talk in the comments.