Fine, maybe I’m being harsh. They do have some good things going for them. They’re all
except Cam and the weird one who looks like Nick Viall pre-glowup handsome, will undoubtedly be successful podcast hosts/influencers in the near future, and are guaranteed to always leave the good bread for you in the basket at a restaurant because they don’t eat carbs. There’s something to be said for that.
This week on The Bachelorette Hannah’s mediocre menagerie of 22 boyfriends performed in a talent show for drag queens, went mudding in white denim, and threw chicken nuggets at a man named Cam who speaks in third person.
LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT
After watching 15 seasons of The Bachelorette it’s easy to think they’re never going to surprise you again. Then they bring out two drag queens and Miss J from America’s Next Top Model to judge the men in a pageant. God bless them. How else are you going to meet the love of your life other than by watching them in a speedo competition and talent show?
I watched the speedo portion of the competition with my fingers over my eyes in equal parts secondhand embarrassment and wildly impressed. If someone asked me to to strut a runway in a bikini in front of a live audience I’d fake an aneurysm but these men embraced the absurdity and looked pretty incredible doing it.
THAT’S NOT A TALENT
First impression rose recipient, Luke P. was the clear winner of the speedo portion of the competition since his body looked like a rich widow commissioned it out of granite in the Renaissance era. But since Luke P. also has the personality of a seat cushion I expected Jed (singer/songwriter with the surprisingly large pectoral muscles) to wipe the floor with the other men during the talent competition. Which is exactly what happened all the way up until Luke P. grabbed the mic and told Hannah that he’s falling in love with her. First, confessing love to someone you met 48 hours ago isn’t a talent. Second, stop it right now.
FALLING IN LOVE IS MESSY
When Hannah arrived to take Tyler G. on the first one-on-one date of the season she told him that the other guys were going to “talk sh*t about you when you leave.” They’re not the only ones.
Tyler and Hannah took a helicopter ride to a desolate area where they rode ATVs in the mud and then returned to LA to eat dinner on the roof of the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. Standard first date material according to The Bachelorette. Hannah was in her element on every part of this date and Tyler seems like a very nice, very handsome, very boring man. She said he looks like a hotter version of Tim Tebow. I think he looks like Jared Haibon on human growth hormones. Regardless, he’s hot and didn’t do anything egregious so he got the date rose.
THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF
The final date of the week involved ten of the men competing in a roller derby. I’m not naming names because there are too many of them and they all look the same. If you’re picturing a heard of baby deer on roller skates you’re on the right track. Although, the main point of this date was to see Hannah jumping around looking truly incredible in a pair of pleather shorts.
The green team won the derby but it didn’t really matter because everyone got invited to the after party. Things were progressing as usual when one of the men who didn’t get a date this week crashed the party. Cam arrived with a bouquet of cheap flowers and way too much confidence for someone with his level of attractiveness. Hannah said she likes a bold man but I don’t think she meant boldly ignoring social cues.
CRYING AT THE COCKTAIL PARTY
Hannah arrived to the cocktail party barely holding her tears in. She’s apparently exhausted, overwhelmed, and very into using the word “real” to describe herself. This was the perfect opportunity for the men to comfort her which they did at varying levels of success. Connor S. encouraged her with his steady gaze. Kevin held her hand while they screamed into the night. Tyler C. set up a heart of candles and compared looking at her to the feeling he used to have walking on the football field. Cam brought her chicken nuggets which were later thrown at him because he sucks. But the real fun came when Jed walked in on a shirtless Luke P. and Hannah making out on a massage table.
Hannah and Luke P. have crazy sexual chemistry, but when she’s thinking with her other head she knows that using the L-word after a few hours is insane. She awkwardly covered her tracks with Jed and he handled it maturely but in the end she ended back on Luke’s lap with his fingers in her hair.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU CAN’T STAY HERE
Despite being the human equivalent of the most annoying sound on planet Earth, Cam got the last rose of the night. Thanks for nothing, producers. Hannah sent Connor J., Daron and Matthew home. The rumor on the internet is that Matthew was sent home by producers for having a secret Pinterest page where he posted racist memes. Which, good for The Bachelorette, but also…Pinterest?
TOP PICKS, NO SPOILERS
Hannah still has 19 boyfriends to wade through, but my top four remain unchanged. Let’s be clear though, if I were picking the best guys for me, my choices would be much different. Hannah appears to like them tall, muscular, handsome, with a touch of a southern accent and just a little bit stupid.
What do you think of Hannah as the Bachelorette so far? Who is your favorite? I think I’m team Jed, but Mike and Matteo better be in Paradise. How many more episodes will Camron be on this show? Yes…that’s how he spells his name. Let’s talk in the comments.