This week’s episode of The Bachelor finally made an honest man out of him.
I’ve shamefully seen every episode of The Bachelor since it debuted in 2002 and there are only a handful of moments that stick out to me as truly dramatic. When Brad Womack didn’t choose anyone, when Jason Mesnick switched his pick on live television, when Brooks dumped Desiree Hartsock, when Ben Higgins told two women that he was in love with them, and the moments that led to Colton Underwood jumping the fence.
It was that good.
Virgin’s Got Jokes
It’s fantasy suite week in Portugal which can only mean one thing: lots of dad jokes about Colton’s virginity. Before he, Hannah G., Tayshia, and Cassie flew to Portugal, Colton told Chris Harrison that he’ll totally have sex with a real life human girl for the first time on national television if he feels like he’s in love. Only he doesn’t call it “sex” he calls it “making love” which was only slightly less cringe-inducing than when your 7th grade sex-ed teacher used to say it. He said he’s thought a lot about his first time making love and he thinks, “it’ll be caring, it’ll be passionate and it’ll be something that I’ll remember forever.”
Tayshia Gets First Dibs
Tayshia and Colton took the sex joke memo from the producers very seriously on their fantasy date riding in a helicopter and drinking wine next to a castle on the edge of a cliff. Portugal’s biggest export is extra virgin olive oil? Sex joke. Colton’s legs are tight in his jeans? Sex joke. Tayshia has a nip slip at dinner? Too easy. Everything from the exploding champagne bottle to the shots of bees pollinating flowers were like giant neon signs flashing that Colton’s virginity was on the line. But all of that effort was erased when they showed Tayshia wearing gold lamé pants pulled up to her belly button the morning after.
Cassie Gets Uncomfortable
Cassie arrived to her fantasy date wearing a chunky cardigan over a ribbed turtleneck so I knew trouble was on the horizon. That’s the outfit equivalent of a dropkick into the friend zone. Oblivious to this, Colton used his interview time to declare that he’s never felt more himself than when he’s with Cassie. Oh, yeah, and that he’s in love with her. IN LOVE WITH HER. No! Didn’t you see the turtleneck?! Stop! Abort!
Cassie went through the motions of their date, shopping, sharing dessert, dancing, and making out in an alley, but while Colton showed obvious enthusiasm and infatuation, Cassie suddenly seemed uncomfortable being on camera with him.
Things swan dived for the worse when Colton told Cassie that he didn’t get her dad’s blessing to propose. While this was a setback to Colton, his feelings are so strong that it wasn’t a deal-breaker. Not so fast, little buddy, because Cassie is freaking the eff out. She flip flopped between being mad at her dad for not trusting her and being mad at Colton for not thinking it was a big deal. Her body language completely shut down while the tears that rolled down her face got caught in the voluminous neck fold of her sweater.
The first shock of the night came when Cassie’s dad pulled up to her hotel in an airport shuttle to further complicate things. The man flew halfway across the world to emphasize that marriage is a covenant second only to the one she has with God. Gear down big shifter, it’s a Neil Lane ring, not a blood oath. He said that when you are ready to get married you will have absolutely zero doubt, but I’ve been happily married for 13 years and I have doubts every time my husband puts on his sleep apnea mask. Life isn’t doubt free. Then again, I get the feeling Cassie’s dad never doubts his own opinions much. Alas, Cassie is a 23 year-old daddy’s girl who was already desperate for an escape hatch. The confirmation of her doubts was enough to convince her that she needed to leave Colton and the show.
Colton Gets Blindsided
Meanwhile, Colton has fallen completely head-over-heels, cartoon heart eyes, smelling her hair when she isn’t paying attention, in love with Cassie. She’s the one. He can’t stop thinking about her. It’s even hard to pretend with Hannah G. and Tayshia because he is so crazy about Cassie that he can’t concentrate. He’s all in. Unfortunately, Cassie is out…she thinks…maybe not…it’s just…like…so confusing. So much for that career in speech pathology, Cassie. Say what you mean!
Cassie told Colton that she just can’t get “there” with him before the end of filming in two weeks, but Colton doesn’t care. He said that he’s willing to give her all the time she needs. This is the rest of their lives their talking about; it doesn’t have to be rushed. He begged her stay. He broke every Bachelor rule telling her that he wants her to be the one at the end and that he’s in love with her, but she just couldn’t do it. Colton was uncontrollably shaking with adrenaline as he promised her that he would fight for her. She held him close as he whispered, “I love you” to her and then she whispered “I love you” back to him before getting in the SUV of doom and driving away.
Fence Jumping Time
It was finally here. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Colton was going to jump the fence. He stormed off to his room, grabbed his wallet, yanked off his mic pack, elbowed a camera away and started walking towards the edge of the property. Suddenly all of the faceless producers were on screen trying to stop him and radioing for someone to get Chris Harrison. It was like when one my kids spill something and they all just stand there staring at it while they scream for me. Someone do something!
Colton ignored their pleas and launched himself over an 8 foot tall gate like it was nothing. I’ve never been more attracted to him. It’s like all of his dad’s mild child abuse training him for the NFL was finally paying off. Chris Harrison stood in shock saying, “He just jumped the f**king fence” and then hilariously asked if there was a button to open the gate. Chris Harrison isn’t paid enough to jump fences. By the time the gate swung open Colton was nowhere to be found and the episode ended.
Men Tell All
The Bachelor couldn’t waste a ratings bump like that cliffhanger so the next night the Women Tell All special aired. Mostly this consisted of Demi cementing her place on the cast of Bachelor in Paradise. No one gets a pacifier shoved in her mouth by the woman she called a bed bug without getting to a paid vacation to Mexico out of it. (That’s a real thing that happened.)
Sadly, Caelynn and Hannah B. refused to talk about their past pageant drama so now we won’t find out why they hate each other until one inevitably writes their tell all. Instead they took turns auditioning for the role of Bachelorette. My guess is that Hannah B. has it in the bag, but it may depend on what happens next week with Tayshia and Hannah G. Speaking of them, a very nervous Colton arrived at the end to watch bloopers and generally look uncomfortable in a room full of his exes. Then they played this preview for next week’s two episode finale and blew our collective minds.
Do you think there’s any coming back from this for Colton? Will we still see a date with Hannah G? Is Cassie gone for good? Who will be the next Bachelorette? Do you stan Demi forever? Let’s talk in the comments.