Tayshia, Cassie, Hannah G. and Caelynn took turns showing Colton their favorite local haunts, introducing him to their families, and giving us the chance to judge the decor of their childhood homes. I stress clean my baseboards when someone visits my house for the first time, so I’d probably bulldoze my house and start over if an entire camera crew were on their way.
The closest I’ve come to bringing someone new home to meet my parents in the past decade was when I introduced them to my concrete guy, so I’m not sure I’m qualified to judge. But don’t worry, I’m going to anyway.
Virginia is for Lovers
Colton’s first stop on his Tour de Love 2019 was Fredericksburg, Virginia where Caelynn took him on a horse drawn carriage ride and shoved ice cream in his face. I read a Nicholas Sparks novel that started like this once and we all know how those books end.
After talking about their hypothetical children under a tree, the Miss USA runner-up introduced him to her family. These hometown dates have become pretty formulaic over the years. A sibling expresses doubt, a father figure puffs up his chest, a mother figure asks about the other women still in the picture and then their daughter/sister ignores their advice and tells the bachelor she’s in love. The only exception to the rule for Caelynn was when she made her stepdad John full on Kim-Kardashian-ugly-cry by telling him that he has always been her real dad. It was a sweet moment, which was ruined when stepdad John gave his permission to Colton to marry Caelynn “when and if those feelings get there.”
Bless His Heart
Colton headed to Birmingham, Alabama where Disney eyes, Hannah G. took him to an etiquette lesson. Listen, I’m not a Southerner by any stretch of the imagination, but do y’all (see what I did there) really rip your dinner rolls by hand into tiny pieces and then individually butter each bite before consuming them, or were we being trolled?
Just when I thought my eyes were going to roll right out of my head from the etiquette teacher’s lecture about Colton holding Hannah’s “umbrella” (a euphemism for her purity – they clearly hadn’t seen footage of the spa date yet) they left to meet her family. Now, there’s a lot to unpack when it comes to Hannah’s family, but since they weren’t the ones who signed up to be ridiculed by assholes like me every week, I’ll just say that I now have a deep understanding of that story Hannah told about her mom driving a truck across her dad’s beloved lawn during their divorce.
If anything the lawn story was a solid reminder to keep your options open when it comes to a lifelong commitment after six week of dating, so Colton got permission from Hannah’s father to propose to her. You know…if he doesn’t break up with her first.
Falling in Love (Emphasis on the Falling)
Just like the pioneers of old, Colton headed West to Orange County, California where Tayshia greeted him with a blindfold and a slight head concussion as he bounced around inside her Jeep on their way to a secret location. Colton thought driving with Tayshia for the first time was scary but it was nothing compared to his fear when he realized they were going skydiving. He was terrified. If no one makes one of those screaming goat YouTube videos superimposed with his shriek when he jumped then the internet has failed me.
Apparently fear is an aphrodisiac because Colton told Tayshia that he’s falling for her (don’t feel too special, he’s saying it to everyone these days) and she reciprocated the feelings. It was probably a good thing they had that conversation before meeting her family though because Tayshia’s dad was not enthused. He eventually gave his reluctant permission to Colton to marry Tayshia after a warning that “you don’t microwave relationships” and expect them to last.
A quick drive over to Huntington Beach, California had Colton taking a surfing lesson from Cassie. What Colton lacks in surfing skills he makes up for in pure chemistry with Cassie. He may have told everyone and their mom – literally- that he’s falling in love, but Cassie is the only women he told he missed. Unfortunately for him, Cassie is not as forthcoming with her feelings. She has yet to to confess love, or the inkling of love, to Colton which at this stage of The Bachelor is like being in a Karaoke bar and not singing something by the Spice Girls. Everyone is doing it.
Things didn’t get any more reassuring for Colton when he met her family. Her sister cried telling Cassie not to accept anything less than perfect. Her mom asked if he was telling multiple people that he’s falling in love. And her dad had a better case of resting bitch face than me in a crowded elevator. Colton asked him if he could have Cassie’s “hand in marriage if we get to that point” and her dad was like, NOPE. Also saying nope was Cassie to her last chance to confess her feelings before Colton left.
Then There Were Three
The rose ceremony took place in what I’m pretty sure was a gardening shed that had been gussied up with hanging Edison light bulbs and shiplap like your local gastropub had a baby with the Chip and Jo’s Target line of home goods. Okay, so yes, it looked like my house, I’m basic like that. It’s fine.
Not fine was Caelynn, who lived up to all those rumors that had been circling about her for weeks by saying, “bullshit” under her breath when she realized she would be the one going home. She hugged Cassie good-bye and whispered “get engaged” into her ear before walking out to say good-bye to Colton who was sobbing into his knees. She cried in the SUV of shame and made her soft pitch to become the next Bachelorette. But I don’t see that happening because, honestly, who gets dumped by someone they’re “in love” with and encourages their friend to get engaged to him in the same breath?
Next week we get two episodes: the infamous fence jump at the fantasy suite dates on Monday and the Women Tell All on Tuesday. I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep in anticipation. Why do you think Colton took Chris Harrison aside at the end of this episode? Why does Colton jump the fence? How do they suck us in every season? Let’s talk in the comments.