On this second episode of The Bachelor Colton and the remaining 23 members of his chaste harem performed in front of a live audience, had awkward silence in a hot tub, and used the word “shuttlecock” unironically. I can’t even complain about watching it so that you didn’t have to (yes I can).
First Things First
Last week’s premiere episode ended with 7 women being sent home on night one. Which means by the next morning when we see them again, the remaining 23 women have been sleeping in bunk beds and sharing a handful of single stall bathrooms, so we can’t say they’re not working hard for
their Instagram followers love. Bachelor daddy Chris Harrison arrived for his requisite pep-talk and to deliver the first date card. Cuban Nicole, Disney-eyes Hannah G., mouthy Demi, fake-Aussie Bri, stylist Tracy, Alaskan Elyse, dramatic Onyeka, and ex-dog mom Catherine were the first lucky eight.
They arrived at a downtown LA theater where married Hollywood couple, Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman, told increasingly bleeped out stories of their “first times.” Obviously they were there to
market their book help the women write and perform a story of one of their firsts in front of a live audience. This resulted in fake-Aussie Bri telling the story of the first time she accepted herself, and 31 year-old Elyse telling about the first time she dated a younger man (i.e. Colton), but it climaxed – no pun intended – in Demi diving off the stage to kiss Colton as the punchline of her “the first time I got the group date rose” story. Spoiler alert: she didn’t.
These early dates in every season serve one singular purpose: to humiliate the women and entertain people like me who are judging them from the comfort of our yoga pants. So by that standard it was a successful date. But the real fun happened at the after party where 23 year-old Demi had the gall to touch the blessed group date rose before it was offered to her. Based on 31 year-old Tracy’s reaction you’d think Sauron had finally gotten a hold of the One Ring. I mean, I get it, Demi is obnoxious with her cougar jokes, but she’s also the only woman who appears to know what show she’s on.
In the end one of the inhabitants of the “cougar den” (what they’re calling the room all of the women over the age of 27 are sharing), Elyse got the group date rose. Which is a win in my eyes because, if a 27 year-old is considered a cougar then I’m Scar from the Lion King and that hurts. Honestly though, Colton is only 26 years-old so it makes sense that the majority of his prospective fiancees wouldn’t be old enough to rent a car without a parent’s permission.
The B Stands for Boring
Happy birthday to Miss. Alabama 2018, Hannah B. because she got the first one-on-one date of the season. She and Colton drove an old Bronco into the California desert where they rode horses and sat in a hot tub in abject silence. It was a level of awkward I haven’t witnessed in quite some time and it was thrilling. But first, let me make a caveat that you really shouldn’t let a man take you out into a desert on a first date. That’s how all of my favorite podcasts start.
Hannah B. is so adorable and bubbly in her interviews, but on this date she let her insecurities get the best of her. She couldn’t make a toast, she couldn’t think of anything to talk about and in the end she relied on asking about Colton’s virginity to break the ice. Maybe she should be a Bachelor producer. Their conversation revealed a lot about the perfection Hannah expects from herself and the shame she holds from her past relationships which was heartbreaking. In the end, she ended up getting the date rose, but for someone I originally had in my top 3 women of the season, I couldn’t tell you why. Oh wait, yes I can, Miss North Carolina 2018 Caelynn is also on this show and they hate each other.
Next up on my personal version of hell was a gigantic group date at a summer camp where Colton and the thirteen invited women would engage in such riveting activities as Duck, Duck, Goose and Red Rover. I’d list their names, but there are so many of them and it would be like those chapters in the Bible where they list lineage, but instead of Jesus’s ancestors it would be like reading a yearbook for the graduating class of 2014. Believe me, I’m saving you time. Naturally Colton barbecued sausages, rubbed sunscreen into their shoulders and caught a football that had been hiked between one of his future ex-girlfriend’s legs. I can feel the love brewing from here.
Just when everyone started to get comfortable comedian Billy Eichner came speeding in on a golf cart with Chris Harrison to lead the women in a winner-gets-the-after-party battle royale. Listen, as a proud feminist who also recaps The Bachelor, I have a dissertation level defense of how I can love-hate watching this show. But as soon as they start having wheel barrow races and literal tug-of-war matches in matching spandex and tutus I give up. Luckily Billy Eichner broke the tension when he joked to Colton that, “maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor and we don’t even know. Put that in your promo.”
Another After Party
At this point in the episode the yellow team got sent back to the bunks to sleep off their loss and I got distracted reading tweets about Billy Eichner’s jokes. I was going to go back and re-watch the footage of the red team at the after party but I’m practicing self-love in 2019. I do remember overhearing 23 year-old Heather one-up Colton’s virginity by admitting that she’s never been kissed. She said that’s because she takes physical intimacy seriously, but I also think her dates may have a had a hard time finding her lips behind her extremely long hair. Just something to consider. In the end Heather’s vulnerability earned her the group date rose.
Finally it was time for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party where everyone who didn’t receive a date rose gets wine tipsy and scrambles to convince Colton that he should keep them around for another week. Sydney admitted that if she got sent home this week it would make her decision to quit her job as an NBA dancer not worth it so she was doing work to keep Colton interested. Sure she probably needs a financial adviser more than a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean she deserved Onyeka interrupting her conversation with a blow horn while she yelled “I’m horny!” Then again, Sydney’s decision to retaliate by banging a pot by Colton and Onyeka’s heads was an odd one.
Meanwhile, Demi the 23 year-old (who I find utterly delightful despite The Bachelor’s attempts to make her this season’s villain) put on a robe and took Colton upstairs for a private massage. The other women lost their minds over this move which resulted in the funniest line of the night when someone asked, “does she not have parents?!”
It’s Finally Over
In the end Vivica A. Fox lookalike Angelique, dog rescuer Alex, one of the blondes Annie, and another blonde Erika were sent home with their luggage full of unworn formal wear. That means my top picks (no spoilers) for this week are Disney-eyes Hannah G., Speech Pathologist Cassie, and awkward Hannah B. remain unchanged, but I’m keeping my eye on Tayshia for a last minute swap if Hannah B. doesn’t pull herself together. Next week we’ll watch the women devolve into jealous monsters and see Colton shirtless.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Who was your favorite celebrity guest? What is wrong with Hannah B.? Will Heather end up giving Colton her first kiss? Let’s talk in the comments, it’s my favorite part of the week.