It’s no surprise that I’ve been dreading an entire season of Colton’s all-American
unpopped cherry pie in the sky personality. Don’t lie, I’m not the only one who expected the premiere episode to be filled with shots of him blushing and mumbling out of the side of his mouth while girls in sequined dresses feigned Southern accents to attract him. And yes, that definitely happened (although, in a surprising twist, the fake accent was Australian), but he was also was funny, sincere, and alluringly comfortable in his own skin. Colton Underwood may just nail one of these women in the fantasy suite this whole Bachelor thing after all.
If you’re new to That’s Normal’s Bachelor recaps here’s how they work: I watch The Bachelor so that you don’t have to. I know, I’m so nice, you can Venmo me later. Then I write down all the important bits you need to know for workplace gossip, throw in a few gif reactions so the kids don’t lose interest and my give my expert analysis; all while pretending I hate the job, but not so secretly loving it. Simple, right? In the word’s of Colton’s ex, let’s do the damn thing.**
*Full disclosure, I watched an abridged screener of this episode that didn’t include the unending live watch parties, two live engagements of strangers, Krystal and Goose in a hot tub, interviews with the Bachelor progeny, Kaitlyn Bristowe dabbing, or a tribute to Chris Harrison that brought him to tears. If I had I would have hated it as much as everyone else. Bring back the classic Bachelor!
**But first, let’s agree to never use that phrase again.
Playing the V Card
You know how in ancient civilizations they sacrificed beautiful, nubile virgins to please their gods? That’s this season of The Bachelor. Newsflash: Colton is still a virgin and all your jokes about it aren’t funny. Unfortunately most of the women who came out of the limo on night one didn’t feel the same way. There was Caitlin, 25, who arrived carrying a cherry red balloon that she popped upon their first introduction. Katie, 26, performed a terrible magic trick with a deck of cards that left her holding Colton’s “V card.” Erika, 25, used her entire first one-on-one conversation with Colton to ask him why he’s still a virgin because she was very concerned about it for personal reasons. (For the record he said the decision started off being intentional, then he got busy with work and didn’t have time for relationships and now that it has been so long he’s waiting for the right person, not marriage. I know way to much about this man’s sex life.) But my favorite comment on the topic came from spitfire, Demi, 23, who introduced herself to Colton by saying, “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12!”
First Impressions Last
Aside from the virginity jokes there were your usual first impression shticks. Erin, 28, as self-described “Cinderella” arrived in a horse drawn carriage and left her actual shoe behind with Colton. She really should have thought that through though because she ended up spending the rest of the night hobbling around on one high heel while she waited for him to speak to her again. Oh and did I mention that the horse had glitter covering its hooves? At least it got to keep it’s shoes on.
Cassie (23 and one of my favorites) brought Colton a box of butterflies because she was nervous. Only, the butterflies didn’t fly out like I expected them to. Instead, Colton dumped them artlessly onto the ground making me think that they had all died in the box like some Silence of the Lambs horror show. Turns out they were plastic.
Of course, my favorite night one story arch came courtesy of Catherine, a 26 year-old real estate agent/DJ/dog mom. Catherine is blonde, beautiful, and arrived carrying her dog, Lucy, whom she left in the care of Colton for the duration of the season. That’s right, she just dumped her Pomeranian on him and walked away like he was a counselor at my kid’s summer camp. Bye, kids, see you never! Inevitably, this led to some pretty hilarious scenes of Chris Harrison walking Lucy on the hosed down driveway. He really does his best work playing off of well-groomed animals.
When he wasn’t being fake arrested by the fashion policewoman, Tracy (31) who arrived in a police car, or being spoken to in more languages than our president’s current and former wives speak combined, he was eating phallic snacks gifts (a bag of nuts and a Georgia peach). Oh and Bri, 24, spoke to him in that fake Australian accent I mentioned above. So all in all it was a pretty standard limo arrival scenario.
Standing out from the Crowd
Once all of the women had arrived, Colton gave a quick speech to rally the troops and the mini dates started. Sydney, a 27 year-old NBA dancer who quit her job to come on the show, led Colton outside to dance a waltz while a string quartet played. Tracy, 31, colored a white pair of Vans shoes with him. Tayshia, 28, set up a carnival and then made Colton give her piggyback rides around the front driveway. And then there was Elyse, the 31 year-old Alaskan make-up artist who thought it would be a good idea to throw the carcass of a salmon INTO THEIR SWIMMING POOL so they could “fish”.
Time for a Costume Change
Oh wait, did I forget to mention that one of the women (Alex D., 23) arrived wearing a full body sloth costume? She also walked and talked extremely slowly for the entire night until she finally had Colton remove her mask. Which, let’s talk about that. It’s one thing to commit to a costume shtick, but when you cover up your entire face it creates an air of mystery that can’t possible be lived up to. It’s not like you’re in a room full of average looking humans before you reveal your sweaty helmet hair. Nope, you’re in a house full of literal beauty queens and an HD camera is pointed at your face. There’s no way that ends well for you. Next time choose the bag of phallic nuts, Alex D.. But I have to admit that I did like that the sloth reveal allowed Demi (23, from Dallas, mom is currently in federal prison) to plug a little girl power when she said, “I want her to tear that head off and be a fierce ass bitch.”
But wait, it gets better, when she wasn’t abandoning her dog to a stranger, Catherine (still a DJ, no longer a dog mom) was interrupting other women’s one-on-one time with Colton. Not just once, not twice, but four times she interrupted other conversations. That’s The Bachelor equivalent of shivving a fellow inmate in the shower with a sharpened blending brush. She’s the perfect mix of past Bachelor villains Corinne and Krystal which is the highest compliment I can give.
Of course her selfishness caused no end of frustration in the other women which ended in Onyeka, 24, telling her she needed to chill. Now usually we’d expect the women in a situation like this to snipe at each other in the predictable girl fight that these shows butter their bread with. But instead they just kinda hugged it out. No raised voices, no disrespectful names, it was the least dramatic night one confrontation I can remember.
This Thing Might Actually Work
It wasn’t all abandoned puppies and dead salmon in swimming pools. Some of the women really seemed to hit it off with Colton which is when he is his most likable self. Colton isn’t going to be the kind of Bachelor who is in on the jokes like a Nick Viall or Arie Luyendyk. He’s going to be more of a Sean Lowe or Ben Higgins with the heart eyes and soulful kisses which is exactly what Bachelor Nation needs this year. I don’t know if he’s ready for a lifelong relationship, but I do believe he’s here for the right reasons.
That being said, he parsed out a fair share of kisses his first night, most notably with Caelynn (23, Miss Alabama 2018) and Katie, 26. But Hannah G. (23) earned the first impression rose with her giant Disney princess eyes. I knew she was the winner of the night when Colton talked about what it felt like to play football and showed her the breathing technique his mom taught him to help her calm her nerves. Never underestimate the power of a counting to three while you stare into someone’s eyes next to a fire. That’s how I got pregnant with my second kid.
They tried to make it seem like ex-Dog Mom/current villain Catherine was going to be sent home, but this is The Bachelor – she’ll be here for at least four more rose ceremonies. Bye the end of the rose ceremony only 23 women remained of the 30 who started the night. The unlucky ladies to be sent home were Cinderella, the sloth, Devin, Jane, Revian, and Tahzjuan.
My Picks, No Spoilers
As usual I’m avoiding any and all spoilers to the best of my ability so I can keep my jokes fresh like these 23 year-old’s ovaries. However, I feel pretty confident stating that both Hannah B., Cassie, and Hannah G. are my current final three finishers. But if we were going based off of who I want to stay because they’re hilarious, I’d choose Nicole, Demi, and Onyeka. Don’t worry ladies, humor lasts longer than waistlines.
Next week we’ll settled into the mansion and a few first dates as we get to know the ladies. Make sure you follow my new Bachelor Instagram account for ridiculous memes and Bachelor nation updates throughout the week. Now please enjoy this extended preview of the rest of the season with your mouth hung open in shock with me.
Who are your favorites from night one? Who do you think will make it to the end? Will Colton actually have to take care of Catherine’s dog? Please tell me in the comments.