The Bachelor in Paradise Finale featured six break-ups, two engagements, two second chances, Robby Haye’s hair and Chris Harrison wearing a white linen suit with a v-neck undershirt. How is this show not on year round?
Kendall is a big dummy
With only a few days left before the big proposal question became Kendall and Joe’s reality, she freaked. Sure you’ve only known each other for a month and you made out with multiple other men during that time, but, Kendall, you don’t just break up with Grocery Store Joe like that. You don’t. Watching him dejectedly ride home in the minivan of shame had me hoping Kendall would be cursed with bruised produce for the rest of her life, the likes of which Joe would never allow on his shelves.
Kevin and Astrid
Speaking of big mistakes, here comes Kevin to break things off with Astrid after getting into his own head. Kevin, this is your third time finding love on one of these Bachelor shows. Maybe next time you should listen to your D.A.R.E. officer and just say no.
Annaliese and Kamil
If Bachelor in Paradise gave out prizes for tenacity, Annaliese would be giving her acceptance speech because girlfriend didn’t give up. If you had a heartbeat and a relatively lucrative earning potential she was interested. Luckily for her, Polish fitness model, Kamil likes the beat of a ticking maternal clock because he’s into her. They didn’t leave engaged but they did leave together.
Jenna and Jordan
Sometime between him throwing her human sized stuffed animal into the ocean and wearing his custom Hawaiian print shirtwaists, Jordan made
me Jenna fall for him. It was love at first sight for Jordan, but Jenna took a little more convincing. I guess he did a good job because Jenna dug her hands into his front pockets right after he proposed to her.
Krystal and Chris
After I was done gagging over Krystal rubbing Chris’s well-trimmed chest with a goose feather in their fantasy suite, I have to admit they’re kinda cute together. Sure she develops a baby voice alongside any romantic feelings she has, but he calls himself “goose” so it’s fine. In fact it’s so fine that they FaceTimed his mom to announce their engagement. In her own words, Krystal is going to be Mrs. Goose.
So everyone should be relatively happy at the reunion show, right? Right…and wrong. On the happy end of the spectrum are Joe and Astrid because their heart-breakers came crawling back for forgiveness. Kevin realized he had been an idiot so he used Bibi as an intermediary to win Astrid back. They’re in love and back to gazing into each other’s eyes. Likewise, Kendall realized the error of her ways and flew to Chicago to win Joe back. Joe ended up with a girlfriend who picnics in cemeteries and a gig on Dancing with the Stars, so it was all worth it in the end. Also stupid happy in love are our engaged couples, Jordan and Jenna and Chris and Krystal. The only people happier about this turn of events are Chris and Krystal’s moms.
In a surprise ending that literally everyone saw coming except Annaliese, Kamil dumped her in front of a live audience. He didn’t do it in the many phone calls they’ve had or during the trip she took to New York to meet his friends and family. He didn’t wait until they had the privacy of the Airbnb they’d rented for the week. Nope, he did it on stage. I didn’t think Kamil could sink lower than his 60/40 debacle but I was wrong. Also disappointing was the breaking news that, while Jenna and Jordan appeared to be in love at the reunion show, recently released text messages make it appear that she has been cheating on him the whole time.
So that’s it, the 2018 season of Bachelor madness has come to an end, just like Arie’s career as a race car driver. We got the Bachelor we never wanted, the Bachelorette who picked the fiance we didn’t want, and a Bachelor in Paradise season that made it all worth it. Let’s do it all again in January when Colton is back as Bachelor, okay?
What did you think of this season of Bachelor in Paradise? Will any of the couples make it down the aisle? Do you think Jenna was really playing Jordan the whole time? Let’s talk in the comments.