Then again, I considered slashing the tires on the minivan of the 8 year-old who pushed my kid down the slide at the park last week so maybe I can’t talk.
This week Becca visited the hometowns of gee-golly Garrett, good kisser Jason, sad backstory Blake, and Tia’s boyfriend, Colton. All four men told Becca they’re in love with her which means all of us get to watch one of their hearts get broken on national television. Someone pass the popcorn.
Garrett Goes Country
The first stop on Becca’s tour de boyfriends was Manteca, California which got the edit of its life. I don’t know which Manteca they filmed but the one I know has considerably fewer rolling vineyards and a lot more nothing. Also getting the edit of his life is Garrett, who gave Becca a tour of his family’s “agriculture business.” It’s called a farm, Garrett. Read a book. They rode a tractor being driven by a man named Carlos
who probably doesn’t appreciate the memes Garrett liked of brown children being thrown over a border wall and planted a rose bush. Other than that their date revolved around making out and talking bad about Garrett’s ex-wife. You know, the usual. That night they met Garrett’s family who treated him like the second coming of Christ. His sister full-on Kim Kardashian ugly cried over him and his mom is definitely the type who will break into the delivery room uninvited when Becca has Garrett’s vanilla children. Basically they love Garrett, Garrett loves Becca and Becca loves how much Garrett reminds her of her deceased dad.
Jason Wings It
Becca left California behind for Buffalo, New York where she and Jason competed in a chicken wing eating contest. If that doesn’t sound like marriage material I don’t know what does. As if gorging on comfort food dipped in blue cheese dressing wasn’t enough to cement my affinity for Jason, he then took her ice skating where he showed off his high school hockey skills in a way that renewed my crush on 1992 Joshua Jackson in The Mighty Ducks. Somewhere between kissing her in the bleachers and giving her the nickname “Becksters” I fell in love. I didn’t even need to meet Jason’s charming family or hear him confess his love for the first time. The only thing missing was a Queer Eye moment where Jason’s brother and his husband would have insisted on giving Jason a much needed haircut, but no one is perfect.
Blake’s Sad Story
If anyone has to follow in Jason’s sweet family’s footsteps it would have to be Blake, who met Becca in his snowy hometown of Bailey, Colorado. By all accounts Blake appears to be ahead of the game since Becca has admitted in interviews that she’s in love with him, but taking her to his high school was a brave move. First off, no one cares about your high school football pictures. She’s just being polite. But also, just last week Blake told us that his mom, who worked at the high school he was attending, cheated on his dad with his basketball coach. I swear I saw this on an episode of 90210 once. Every time Blake introduced Becca to one of his coaches I was cringing wondering if he was the one who ended up being his stepdad.
Alas, the real reason Blake took Becca to his high school was to tell him that he had survived a school shooting on his campus as a teenager. His story was horrifying and vulnerable, but it also made me angry with The Bachelorette producers who knew this about him, yet expect us to forgive Garrett for liking memes calling Parkland survivors crisis actors. I’ll get over it eventually but not today. Kinda like Blake if Becca breaks his heart.
Becca’s final stop was Parker, Colorado where Colton took Becca on a sweet date to the children’s hospital to play with kids who have Cystic Fibrosis as part of his nonprofit. They both talked about how it made them realize what good parents they’d be, but I mostly admired Colton’s giant shoulders in the oddly sheer shirt he was wearing. Then they were on their way to meet his family where all anyone wanted to talk about is Tia. For someone who only spent one weekend with Tia, Colton’s family certainly seemed invested in the relationship. Did no one alert them that Becca got cast at the last minute? I need more information. Colton decided his mom needed more information too because he told her that he’s a virgin in one of those conversations you wish you could wipe from your own memory let alone the memories of 6 million viewers. In the end Colton told Becca that seeing her with his family was what he needed to tell her that he’s in love with her. That’s funny because all Becca needed to see was him shirtless.
Wait a minute, why is there still half an hour left in this show when all of the dates are over? Is that
the warden Chris Harrison here with a reprieve? Perfect, I’m tired. Oh, nope, it’s Tia’s last ditch effort to make herself relevant. Thanks for nothing, Tia. She and the rest of the cast of Bachelor in Paradise a few of Becca’s friends from Arie’s season met up to gossip about Becca’s love life but Tia couldn’t stand the attention being off of her for a few seconds so she pulled Becca aside. It turns out that despite saying they were over back in episode 3, Tia still has feelings for Colton. This put Becca into a spiral of wanting to be a supportive friend who empowers her girls, while also being angry. Colton is her fourth boyfriend and that means something in most fictitious matriarchal societies, dammit.
Here comes Becca wearing a sequin dress so it must be time to break a heart. But before we could get there let’s make sure Colton has the chance to humiliate himself further by stopping Chris Harrison on his way into the rose ceremony to ask him what would be expected from him in the fantasy suite. Chris’s face was priceless as he explained that Colton is a grown ass man and can do whatever he feels is right. Too bad that moment will never come for him though because Tia struck first so he was sent home. Colton was shocked, but not too shocked to sign on for Paradise where Tia will be waiting with open
Next week Becca will have fantasy dates in Thailand with Garrett, Jason and Blake. Who would get your final rose? Have you forgiven me for missing a post last week? Is Tia a bad friend or did Colton never stand a chance? Let’s talk in the comments.