All hail the glorious return of the one thing a number of people followed us for that we never deliver. Back in 2014, we used to think that waiting a few weeks from the airing of an Outlander episode was a too-long wait to get my husband’s scintillating commentary, then he waited over a year to watch The Watch and The Search. But after this latest hiatus, those were positively premature. Folks thought he might never watch the show again. HE thought he would never watch it again. Blurtlander, as he is so lovingly called by his online fans and according to the custom baseball cap he ordered for himself, has not watched an episode of Outlander in over two years.
But with the news that two more seasons are in the works, and that season 4 will be upon us in this year of our Lord two thousand eighteen, I decided last night that he was JUST drunk enough to be open to suggestion. And he was. But the question you are all dying to know is: how much does he remember? Nothing. Literally. He knows Diana Gabaldon’s name because her books are on an eye-level shelf in our hearth room, and he overhears us doing Hangoutlander after every episode. But as far as what he remembers from the first 14 episodes of season 1 of Outlander … it was legit nothing.
If you’d really like to know the extent of both his ignorance of the show and his disdain for this activity, you can join our Facebook group and see a personal video of me interviewing Blurtlander in his boxer briefs about what he remembers about Outlander and how he feels about the return of Things My Husband Says. It’s a TN FB Group EXCLUSIVE. And if you don’t remember (there were things I forgot too), episode 115 is Wentworth Prison, the episode that launched a thousand “ewwwwwws” and “nooooooopes.” He has a few of those himself.
Since it has been so long since these episodes aired, I will edit in a short little recap of what’s going on if it’s pertinent to whateverthehell he’s saying. I hope that those of you who have been begging us for more Blurtlander are pleased with this one. As a disclaimer, please know that this man has no clue about the source material, is doing this under duress and was pretty, pretty drunk.
Let’s Settle In For a Good Time
I cannot believe we are doing this right now.
Do you want to hear all my thoughts about the 45 episodes of Outlander that I’ve missed or the three years that have passed since I watched it?
I have a lot of pent up resent-ation.
I wonder if BatDad has to go through all this shit.
Gah I cant believe we are watching this right now. I cannot BELIEVE it.
Can we do something else? Want to have sex?
Me: We JUST did.
I can do it again.
Previously on Things You Don’t Recall At All[Jamie is being told to make a petition of complaint against Black Jack Randall]
Is that the tax guy*?
Didn’t [person we know] kiss [a particular actor onscreen]?
Me: … yes …
Hahahah … can’t write that down, can you?
Are they still filming this show? Really?
HOW can there be that many seasons? They are stretching TF outta this!
Can they at least update the song a little bit?
There they go running away together … to nowhere.
Oh look it’s the Man in the Iron Mask mask.
Let the Guessing Begin
[Jamie and McQuarrie (the Watch guy) are in the courtyard of Wentworth, waiting to be hanged, and they have a conversation.]
Let me guess: they aren’t gonna hang Jamie. That mfer is going to get away. Pew pew pew.
Squeaky ass pulleys on those nooses.
Why are they being hanged?*
*I cannot remember exactly other than The Watch was ambushed by the redcoats. WHY? I have no idea. Blurt tries to recall what’s happening:
Didn’t Claire get raped in a ditch? I’m pretty sure she did. And she said to the messed up face guy that he would obviously rather get some ass. Jamie’s ass. Pretty sure someone is gay in this scenario.
Why are that guys’ eyes so far apart?
I don’t know why you’re laughing because no one has watched these episodes in years, and no one will know what you are talking about. No one gives a F*CK.
Why are those gallows pointy? There really isn’t enough room to stand there.
That soldier on the left is Benedict Cumberbatch. I swear to heaven. Not that guy. Not him. HIM. Wait.
Oh yeah like Jamie’d be able to choke the soldiers to death with all the guns around.
You’re not gonna die. Dougal’s beard is gonna come save him.
OH NO, it’s f*cked up face guy! Here to save the day. Because he likes him … because he’s gay. What a romance.
Really? Why is he saving him? Gay for Jamie.™
Remember that movie … what was it called .. “I’m not gay. I’m just gay for…” What was it called? I can’t remember. Oh 30 Rock.
The Confusion Compounds
[Claire and Murtagh visits the warden of the prison, and she pretends to be a distant relative. She’s bargaining.]
Are you sure we haven’t seen this one already? It’s just like all the others.
Many years since you’ve seen him? Weren’t you just f*cking him last episode?
*blows out a long-suffering, very bored breath*
Didn’t Jamie and Claire get married?
Well then IDK wtf is going on or what in the Jim Bean she is talking about.
Who is that guy?*
*Murtagh. In proper Blurtlander fashion, he absolutely cannot or will not understand who Murtagh is.
What happened to DougalsBeardy?
Why don’t they just break him out? Looks easy enough. It’s just a giant stone edifice. Get you a couple of Orcs, problem solved.
OH I remember that guy! (Angus)
Didn’t she knock that guy the f*ck out at one point? (Rupert)
Why is his brother not helping? Old gangly legs? Can’t he rush in … well not rush … but come in and make a claim on Jamie as a lord or whatever?
He Starts Getting It
[Black Jack comes into Jamie’s cell with Marly and burns the petition of complaint.]
Is Black Jack gonna come in there and rape Jamie?
It looks like Jamie has hobbit feet … bleeding ones.
Come on, Jamie, use those baby blues and just beat him to death.
He Loses It
[Claire returns to Wentworth to enact her plan to break Jamie out during the hour that the warden spends at supper and prayer.]
Oh there’s Jamie’s sister. I can tell it’s her from behind. Oh. It’s Claire. (He’s disappointed).
What’s she doing back there?
You must have had to have really good eyes back then because there is no light to see by in these rooms at all.
[Black Jack starts his psychological torture of Jamie, which turns physical.]
He’s not scared of you. It’s just your face; it’s all craggy.
Why is Jamie laughing? Because he wants to put his pee pee in his b-hole. And that’s no laughing matter.
Black Jack: It’s messy, but …
Him: oh it’s gonna be messy.
How is this prison so big that she can’t find him?
Is old dickface with him right now?
*whispers* I hate this show
When does Jamie go into the future with her? I’m tired of the past.
Why does he want to see his back?
GAH. There is so much sexual tension here.
Look at them! The unresolved sexual tension is RIPE.
Feel like we’re watching that Turkish soap opera you lost your damn mind over.
Did Jamie just hit Jack?
OH good, he’s about to escape. And this is almost over.
NO. GET UP JAMIE. Lord, I thought you were an expert at the tactics. The Highlander tactics.
What? He kicked the JAILER?
If I was that guy (Jamie) I’d kill that f*cker (Marly) too.
Just pull your hand back.
If you’re gonna die … f*ck that. I’d poke his eye out.
I hate Randall. I hope he dies.
Is he making him touch his penis?
After he decimated his hand????
WTF is WRONG with this guy?
I didn’t think he was really gay. I WAS BEING FACETIOUS.
Diana Gabaldon is full of shit if she says this guy is not gay.
How did she even deny that shit? Clearly that Jack dude is into Jamie sexually.
I am aghast.
You like that I used that word? You used it this weekend when they didn’t have the chaise lounge chairs you wanted.
You’re not here to help him. You’re here to f*ck him.
Most Horrible Scene of All Time
[Claire find Jamie passed out from pain in his cell. Tries to free him and gets caught by Black Jack. The worst things ever ensue.]
They are dragging this episode. How much longer is it? I feel like we’ve been watching it already for an hour and a half.
Hurry up, get the fuck outta there. Quit talking to each other.
Also, people can probably hear you.
People like …
OHHHH shit. That guy.
Claire: You beast.
Him: You gay beast.
The problem with these people is there are scared of dying. At this point I would just stick my finger in this guy’s nose and all the way up in his brain.
Jamie just killed that guy.
Have you where?
In the butt?
How do you test his sincerity about letting him anally rape him?
I can’t imagine how you get assurances for that.
What’s he gonna do to his hand? Nail it down?
I don’t think that would hurt at this point. His hand is already f*cked to all hell.
Plus you could just PULL IT UP.
How did Diana say he’s NOT gay?
Maybe he’s just a rapist. Equal opportunity horrible raping rapist.
He needs to pull the nail out of his hand.
What year was this? That wouldn’t have happened in America.
I can’t wait for this to be over.
I’ll return to sodomize you shortly … with my shorty.
Oh, yeah! She knows when he dies. Because her husband did the family tree thing!
Wonder what day she told him.
He threw her down the dead folks hole!
Oh that guy from earlier is dead. That sucks. He was a nice guy. And he wasn’t a rapist.
If this guy was coming for my b-hole he would encounter all the shit I can muster up.
If he loves Jamie’s back so much does he also love stone walls, cheese graters and ugly ass afghans?
This raping business is too much. This show sucks. This story sucks.
Why do you like this?
What’s she taking a break for? Having a drink? TELL THEM JAMIE IS GETTING RAPED and to step on it.
Who’s Ellen Mackenzie? Oh, so he’s hot for Jamie’s mom.
THANK GOD it’s over. And someone has a rickety ass cow plan.
Can we watch something else?
Are we caught up now?*
*who wants to tell him?
Well, there it is. I cannot believe I had to watch that episode again. And with Blurt. I have to say, it was a terrible episode to return on, and now I remember why we stopped where we did: I really didn’t want to go on, and I don’t think that this episode makes for many good, drunk dude jokes. Blurt didn’t either. He said there was no way he thinks anyone would laugh at what he had to say … about THAT. And I don’t disagree. And I FORGOT that all the really horrible stuff happens in the NEXT one. I’m not sure I’m prepared for it. I KNOW Blurt isn’t.