Now, I’m not an official show writer (paid or acknowledged) on the show, but since Anne Kenney ain’t coming back, I’m writing some scripts on spec. We all know Outlander is way better with lady writers, and since there is some troublesome stuff in the later books, I thought I would do Ron, Matt, and Maril a solid by offering up ideas on how to have the best Outlander seasons ever. I mean, that’s the national anthem now. Be best.
Attention! Spoilers below!
Season 4, Episode 1: Yolo, Rollo!
- Everyone loves a rescue dog, so Wee Ian adopts Rollo, half coyote/half wolf/half bernese mountain dog.
- Claire masturbates on a rock. Female gaze gives the female graze.
- Pirate Stephen Bonnet pounces on the group, stealing Claire’s wedding ring. Pirates love two things: SpongeBob and bling.
- Episode ends with Ian looking at Rollo and saying, “Who rescued who?” Everyone turns to the camera and laughs.
Season 4, Episode 5: Welcome to the Ridge, HOA
- Jamie shows Claire where they will live in North Carolina. There are strawberries, which make up the Fraser Family Cocktail, aka the Strawberry Daiquiri.
- Jamie throws his back out while hunting in the snow. Claire finds him and builds an igloo to save his life. They have hot seks to keep warm.
- Claire comes into her own as a healer, starting the very first CVS. Compounds, Vapors, and Salves.
Season 4, Episode 8: Dammit, Bree
- Brianna makes it the USA with her indentured servant, Lizzie. Roger has also made it back in time, and finds them.
- Brianna and Roger say “I marry you, I marry you, I marry you” and have sexual congress in a shed. Roger is more Dwanye Johnson than DJ Khaled and goes down town on Bree.
- Bree gets mad at Roger for a dumb reason, leaving herself alone in a strange world with Lizzie, maid/dipshit.
Season 4, Episode 9: This Way to Hell
- Bree runs into Stephen Bonnet who has her mother’s wedding ring. Bree wants it back.
- She plays strip poker with Bonnet for the ring, and when he loses and she sees what he’s got in those breeches, she decides the best way to get over Roger is to bang a dirty pirate.
- As he is about to enter her, Bonnet says, “How are you feeling?” And Bree says, “I’m very enthusiastic.”
- Oh shit, y’all. Roger is captured by the Mohawk.
- Trying to escape the Mohawk, Roger gets trapped in a rhododendron hell. At first Roger called it a “mess of azaleas,” but the one Mohawk who speaks Scottish corrects him.
Season 4, Epsiode 12: Take the Piss Out of Me
- Brianna finds her Da, peeing in public. Bree learns the valuable lesson that men never give up an opportunity to mark their spot outdoors.
- Bree tries to bribe Lord John into marrying her, threatening to reveal he’s gay. Never invite Bree to Drag Brunch because she suuuuuuuucks.
- Jamie and Ian go to rescue Roger. Wee Ian gives himself up in exchange for Roger. Season 4 ends with Ian facing the camera and saying, “Later.”
Season 5, Episode 1: CLOUTS
- This episode is nothing but the camera fixed on a pile of wet, dirty clouts with bagpipes playing in the background. I was inspired after seeing a cool audiovisual art exposition at the Whitney Museum.
Season 5, Episode 4: Are Y’all Still at This Gathering?
- Yes, they are still at the Gathering.
Season 5, Episode 8: The Toe Bone Connected to the…
- Ever the dandy, Philip Wylie throws an amazing hen party for Jamie’s Aunt Jocasta. We go a little anachronistic music, with everyone dancing to Britney Spears’ “Oops, I Did It Again.”
- Claire gets her toes sucked. We get a voiceover of Claire reciting Pablo Neruda’s “Your Feet.”
- The next night, after the wedding, Wylie busts Claire and Jamie performing an autopsy on a dead slave. Wylie exclaims, “This was NOT on my playlist!”
When I cannot look at your face, I look at your feet. Your feet of arched bone, your hard little feet.
I know that they support you, and that your sweet weight rises upon them.
Your waist and your breasts, the doubled purple of your nipples, the sockets of your eyes that have just flown away, your wide fruit mouth,
your red tresses, my little tower.
But I love your feet only because they walked upon the earth and upon the wind and upon the waters, until they found me.
Season 6, Episode 1: Pile It On
- Claire treats Bobby for his hemorrhoids. Bobby says, “I thought love was the key to happiness but turns out, it’s regularity.”
- Bree makes pipes. No not that kind. The other kind.
- Claire cuts into Tom Christie’s hand without anesthesia and he has the typical reaction: he falls in love with Claire. Following a crazy night imbibing too much cherry bounce, Claire has a menage with Jamie and Tom. (I might be using this scripts for my own fanfic.)
Season 6, Episode 5: Here Comes the Sun
- Some dudes kidnap Claire and tie her to a tree. No one touches her the entire time because kidnapping is scary enough.
- One of the kidnappers is from the future and knows The Beatles. Claire gets into a screaming match about who is the best songwriter in the group. (Spoiler…it’s George Harrison.)
- Jamie saves her by going berserk.
- Claire and Jamie make love because she is so relieved to be home. Her wrists are chaffed but that is the only thing that is damaged. Jamie inspects her toes…closely.
Season 6: Episode 9: Three’s Company
- Lizzie is in a poly-amorous relationship with the Beardsley twins. Following her experiences with Jamie and Tom, Claire says, “I’ll allow it.”
- Jemmy has lice, and shaves his head. Roger shaves his head, too, because the second you child gets lice, you immediately start to itch. Jemmy has a birthmark on his head, just like his Da! Turns out, you cannot get pregnant from a pirate during a strip poker game after all.