— Tara Reid (@TaraReid) September 8, 2017
The IMDB description is a thing of wonder attributed, bizarrely to one of my least favorite people, Scott Baio:
Tara Reid brings her Oscar award winning prowess to this documentary about a hedgehog that Dean Cain farted on giving it the ability to talk. It’s a fun loving family movie that will for sure make you say “WOWZA. That’s a stinky fart!”
I initially assumed this project was completely made up. Apparently not. The purported female lead did star in FIVE Sharknado movies, so anything’s possible.
Fact or fiction, I obviously immediately texted the poster to a few carefully selected friends, including the one who I spent the mid- ‘90s watching Dean Cain in Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman with… each in our own homes, the telephone receiver clutched to our ears. Everybody agreed we would be thrilled to watch this as long as we had enough wine, snacks, and friends to fully Mystery Science Theater it. So Netflix, take that under advisement if your trying to decide whether to greenlight it.
I’m also considering socking this image away for frank talks with the middle schoolers in my life because while y’all were drooling over boys like Timberlake, DiCaprio, and Taylor-Thomas, I had the good sense to fix my affections on a man who rocked a snug t-shirt like none other.
(I recall a black one particularly fondly, but the internet is failing me for screencaps, and I never want to go back and rewatch the series because then I’ll know how bad it was, even before the shark-jumping episode where Clark married a clone of Lois. So use your imagination.)
My Middle School Sundays involved worrying that my mom would be late to pick me up from church youth choir practice and I’d miss the first few minutes of sitting in my grandpa’s room to watch Lois and Clark while holding the rotary telephone receiver to my ear. This only made me mildly lame as far as 8th graders went in 1994, right? If I’d known such a thing were possible in 1994, I would have been a crazy shipper.
It was by far the sexiest thing I was allowed to watch.
I still love a man in glasses with floppy brown hair. Line up all the Avengers and I’m going to choose sweet, nerdy Bruce Banner with the smile and the glasses, just like this. The only time I’ve ever been distracted from James McAvoy was by Nicholas Hoult in his Hank McCoy glasses. A type, I have one.
All that to say, no matter who you have a crush on at 13, it will almost inevitably eventually end in tragedy… hopefully not the Heath Ledger type, but often the Andy the Talking Hedgehog type. Or the DiCaprio “looking paunchy on a Russian yacht” type.
Or the Timberlake “you have to admit the constant photobombing gets annoying” type.
Even with an adult celeb crush the fall can be harsh (see Hiddleston, Tom.)
Is this a valuable insight to give a 13 year-old, or am I just a spoilsport? It should probably be used for consolation when the inevitable comes rather than preemptive warning, huh?
More importantly, who’s bringing wine to my house when we watch this cinematic masterpiece? Should we livestream and all watch together? How many Razzie Awards will it get?
Written by Bea
Bea’s current obsessions: Bea loves life in the Pacific Northwest, rereading old novels and weird varieties of pickles. She can dive deep on Harry Potter, Twilight, 90’s CCM, celeb fashion or foreign policy. She’s trying to figure out what to do when the little one goes to kindergarten, what to make for dinner and how to be a feminist who can’t pass up a princess book.