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For some people the autumn equinox marks the end of summer. For others it ends the morning they have to put on a bra before school drop-off. For the rest of us
with questionable taste in entertainment, summer is over when everyone starts breaking up during the first fifteen minutes of the Bachelor in Paradise finale. It’s just like the last day of church summer camp. Only instead of breaking up with the cute Methodist kid from two towns away, it’s half-naked twenty-somethings going back to their day jobs shilling hair growth vitamins. (There’s no chance Robby has been keeping up on those supplements with that hairline, right?)
The Bachelor in Paradise season finale gave us expected break-ups, mystery fantasy suites, the moment Dean realized he needs therapy, another unnecessary DeMario/Corinne interview, and maybe even true love b
ut probably not.
Here are all of the moments from the Bachelor in Paradise finale you’re still pretending you didn’t watch.
Bartender/emotionally intelligent eye-candy, Wells was arguably the best part of Paradise this season. Not that that honorific means a lot because – let’s face it – this season was terrible. Still he had some great interviews, played with puppets, gave good dating advice, and had the hottest kiss of the summer with Danielle M. So why in Jorge’s Torges was Wells relegated to the audience for the aftershow? I don’t know, but his Forrest Gump wave from the sidelines made me laugh.
Honorable Mention: I’ve heard of the friend zone, but
Scallop Fingers Christen put Jack Stone all the way in the acquaintance zone.
A post shared by Taylor Nolan (@taymocha) on
Even my cold, dead heart grew three sizes when Taylor accepted Derek’s proposal with tears rolling down her cheeks. He worships the ground she walks on, and really what more can we ask for from a Paradise proposal? Just kidding, we could ask for a lot, like a sunset proposal on the beach in Mexico instead of a Hollywood studio with life rings hung as decor in the background.
Honorable Mention: When Adam buttoned his suit jacket before meeting Raven’s parents.
The only reason you had to fan yourself during this episode is to cool down that burn Amanda gave Robby when she broke up with him before the fantasy suite dates. The hits kept coming at the aftershow where the twins accused Robby of cheating on Amanda when they dated again after filming. Things got even worse on Twitter when he started live-tweeting about Amanda being a bad mom and exchanging digs at her with her ex-fiance Josh. Then Amanda showed the receipts by posting a picture of Robby kissing another woman. The burn, it hurts.
Honorable Mention: Definitely not the fantasy suites, because we didn’t even see them.
Remember last week when Dean broke up with Kristina so that he could pursue a relationship with D-Lo? This week he ended things with Danielle BECAUSE HE’S IN LOVE WITH KRISTINA. I can’t with this guy. By all accounts Dean looked heartbroken and intent on winning Kristina back. Then D-Lo dropped the bomb that they kept hooking-up after Paradise ended. Dean looked like he was seconds away from vomiting throughout the entire aftershow. Somehow he managed to still come across as humble and likable, but that just makes me like him even less. Grow up, Dean.
Honorable Mention: Literally any time Corinne and Demario are on my TV.
There aren’t enough vaccines in the world.
Honorable mention: Okay, maybe if I could be the bartender.
Somehow in this hedonistic love den Lacey and Daniel emerged as one of only three deep connections. Of course, everyone on the entire planet knew Daniel wasn’t actually falling for Lacey…except for Lacey. It’s one thing for both participants to know they’re in a fake relationship, but Lacey seemed genuinely hurt. If Daniel is the Canadian wolf, Lacey is the Jewish lamb. I think I just created some Jesus imagery there; maybe this really is Paradise.
Honorable Mention: Dean, you’re dead to me.
With that the Bachelor season is officially closed until the January return of The Bachelor with Arie Luyendyk Jr. What should we talk about during the break? Is there any past Bachelor constestants that you’re dying for an update on? Have you heard the rumors about the Bachelor Winter Games? Do you think Taylor and Derek will make it down the aisle? Let’s talk in the comments!
*images courtesy of ABC