His bros think he’s being melodramatic, but it turns out he’s right – the battle was just the beginning of their problems. Here are the top 5 moments from the season 4 finale!
5) Turns out Helga’s “daughter” just wasn’t that into her
This week is another brutal one for blonde female characters played by daughters of show creator Michael Hirst. Right on the heels of Torvi’s mortal(?) wounding at the hands of mercenary invaders, comes Helga’s death at the hands of her
terrorized kidnapping victim beloved fake daughter. Helga has gone a little crazy since the death of her daughter, so I kind of understand her motive in taking Tanaruz, but it watching her drag that girl around everwhere (like into a burning effing building) was creepy AF.
I will completely admit to cheering when Tanaruz plunged the knife into Helga’s heart. #sorrynotsorry
4) Annnnnnnnd there go the last 2 fun dudes
For a show set in the brutal world of Medieval Europe, there is a whole-lot of existential crisis going on. While most of the season showcased Ragnar’s descent into despair, both Floki and Ecbert started to unravel as well, and holy hammer of Thor was it unbearable!!!
C’mon guys! With Ragnar gone and Rollo AWOL, you were all the devious joy we had left!!! But alas, Helga’s death was the last straw for Floki, who bids goodbye to Bjorn, and wanders out into the English wilderness like some kind of Goth Grizzly Adams. What the hell is he going to do out there? Join a troupe of Morris dancers? Rent himself out as a terrifying clown for kids’ birthday parties? I don’t get it.
Then there’s Ecbert, who has been doing his best “haggard Jesus” imitation, including his death in the hot-tub version of the cruxifician pose. Ecbert’s saving grace is that he perpetrated one last, ginormous “dick move” on the Norsemen by giving them legal rights to land under the decree of the king, even though he wasn’t king anymore! HAHAHA! Hey Bjorn: you’ve been had!
Ragnar would be so proud
3) The sons of Ragnar have a very public (and very bloody) break-up
Earlier this season, I changed Sigurd’s name in my head to “Future victim of fratricide” (FVoF). He totally had it coming because of his hair, and his tendency to constantly insult his psychopathic brother’s virility. But mostly because of the hair.
Stryper called, they want their ‘dos back.
It was really only a matter of time, and what better time than during a victory hangover when all the brothers be mad? Ivar’s mad because Bjorn, after committing to this whole “farming” thing, announces he’s abandoning it for the Riviera. Hvitsirk, Ubbe and Future victim of fratricide are mad because Ivar is crazy-talking about leading an attack on the rest of the world. When Ivar starts pissing on their dreams of achieving the ultimate farmer’s tan, FVoF outs Ivar’s impotence to the world. Ivar decides to assist his brother in his transition from “Future victim of fratricide” to plain old “Victim of fratricide’ with the help of his trusty ax. Game over, Sigurd Snake Eyes.
2) Rollo was super-hot in his shirtless cameo
Is a thing that didn’t happen. But I’m just going to pretend it did. And I’m going to pretend it looked like this:
1) Meet Heahmund, man of mystery (and sexy-times)
The most exciting moment this week is the introduction of Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Bishop Heahmund, whose relationship to the kingdom of Briton is unknown. The infusion of some vitamin JRM is sorely needed right now, and if his 45 seconds of screentime – in which he lays a dear departed spouse to rest, then comforts the grieving widow from behind like a jackhammer- is any indication, Heahmund is gonna be fuuuuuuuun!!
The final shot of the armor in the closet , suggests that he is a man of the cloth and the sword, and that he will be laying down some Crusades on the Norsemen. Wheeeeeee!
Season 4b has been a tough one: Ragnar’s dead, not enough Rollo, Lagertha’s girlfriend is vile, the slave girl plotline, etc. But there have been highlights too: Aethelwulf has turned interesting, Judith’s had a feminist awakening, some good battling. Here are some things I’m hoping for in season 5:
- Psychotic pagan warrior Ivar battling psychotic Christian warrior Heahmund.
- More Rollo
- Epic battle between Lagertha and King Harald, rife with sexual undertones (maybe that’s just me)
- Astrid’s tragic demise
- More sexing
We’ll see you all back here next season to see if my dreams come true!
What are you looking forward to? Will Ubbe and Hvitsirk follow Ivar, or murder him in his sleep? Will Aethelwulf take back East Anglia from the Vikings? Will Bjorn make it to Rome? Will we ever see Rollo again? After Astrid’s untimely death, will Lagertha be stuck raising Bjorn’s love child alone?