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It’s been a week since Rio proved that the zika virus won’t stop a country from hosting the top athletes from around the world in this summer’s Olympic Games. And sure, we could be focusing on Michael Phelps winning his 22nd medal or the women’s gymnastics team literally flipping off the rest of the competition, but making an opening ceremony drinking game, obsessing over Boomer Phelps, and fast-forwarding events just to get to Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski are more our style of coverage.
But since our regular television programming has been put on hold so that we can watch China kick our ass in ping pong, we’ve had to time to ponder what if we held our own Olympics. What would 6,755 hours of That’s Normal Olympic Games look like?
Exactly, Michael. We feel the same way.
Well, get your best Bob Costas (sans pink eye because gross) impression and homemade medals ready: it’s the TN Olympics.
Bekah: I’d like to be the person in the editing room putting those porn boxes over the guys in the speedos.
HIS NAME IS LITERALLY STEELE JOHNSON. COULD THIS BE ANY MORE NSFW. pic.twitter.com/uxFhJwlbLJ
— David Mack (@davidmackau) August 8, 2016
Laura: I’d be great at being the lifeguard. I could sit around and watch men swim all day long. They give out medals for that, right?
Jamie W.: The only thing I have the athletic prowess for is the person in rowing who sits in the front of the boat and yells at everyone to do better.
Julie: I would totally rock the synchronized diving but I would incorporate more cannonballs, can openers and belly flops in my technique because I’ve been working on that since I was a kid.
Tiffany: I’d like to handle the balls for the men’s water polo team, be the official “ball girl.”
Courtney: I’d do women’s trampolining! Then I’d remember birthing three babies had ravaged my bladder. Then I’d be embarrassed.
Carrie: I could totally win a medal for reading the most books while ignoring the shouting crowds unless I was in the gym for women’s gymnastics. Then I could do a good impression of Aly Raisman’s mom.
Anne: I’d like to announce badminton so I could make inappropriate jokes about shuttlecocks. Oh, and also handball.
The innuendo writes itself.
Patricia: I would be a stats keeper (because I’m a math nerd) for any of the men’s volleyball teams for the sole purpose of being able to sit on the bench and slap their behinds as they come in for team
Amy: I would insist that ALL athletes have to wear makeup and glitter, a la gymnastics and synchronized swimming. It’s like RuPaul’s Drag Race but with more muscles.
You better work.
Heidi: My kids would win for synchronized pooping.
Katy: My sport? Writing off-the-cuff MM IRL fic starring men’s synchronized diving teams, to be complied into an anthology titled, Stiff Entry – Divers Who Learn They Don’t Need the Rhythm Method When They are “In Synch.”