Arr Mateys, let’s judge some bros together.
It’s a good thing I prefer to watch The Bachelorette with one eye closed anyway, because this week they gifted us with not one but two nights of JoJo’s journey to find love Chad’s roid rage. It was like your birthday and Christmas rolled up into one compact ball of sinew and pulsating chest veins. That’s four hours of Chad threatening everyone’s physical well-being in between making you fall for Luke and wondering how Jordan puts on those skinny jeans. How has this show not won an Emmy yet?
Here are my favorite moments from episodes 3 and 4 of JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
Talk about Hot Yoga
The first one-on-one of the two night spectacle went to Chase who gained JoJo’s attention last week by looking exactly like all of the other men she’s attracted to hosting a foam party on the front porch for her. Did I say foam party? Silly me, that was a “blizzard” because he “loves winter,” duh.
It’s still early on in the season when The Bachelorette likes to make its viewers extremely uncomfortable, so naturally JoJo and Chase’s date was an intimate hot yoga class. Because nothing says romance like being forced to sit on a virtual stranger’s lap in 110 degree heat. They practiced “anger-gasms” which is just fancy yoga speak for that thing my three year-old does when I won’t give him fruit snacks for breakfast. Then they did yab-yums which may or may not be an actual yoga move but JoJo summed it up succinctly when she said she had to “mount” her date. I think it might be true love.
At dinner Chase told JoJo that he only wants to be married once. Sure, because so many people have the life goal of being married multiple times. He was cute and sweet in that striped bank teller uniform of a shirt, but I don’t get the impression that he was a regular on the honor roll, if you know what I mean. Good thing you don’t have to be a honor student to get the date rose and then dance to the sweet, sweet music of Charles Kelley. Yes, Charles Kelley from Lady Antebellum who is pursuing new things, like being the band no one recognizes on a forgettable Bachelorette date. Good life choices there, Charles.
My reaction.
Meanwhile, Chad was back at the mansion counting calories and making all the other men mad when he said he didn’t want to go on the group date with 11 other men. The guys got their delicate sensibilities offended because obviously Chad should just be happy he got an invitation at all. Jordan insinuated that Chad is stupid so Chad said Jordan has never done anything with his life other than “throw a piece of leather.” Burn. If everyone would just realize that Chad is obviously in the hangry stage of calorie counting they’d all get along a lot better. Just ask my husband.
Not a good Secret
Continuing the theme of making me uncomfortable, the group date (Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad) consisted of putting on a comedy show for an audience telling their “deepest, darkest sexual secrets.” That seems normal. It was as horrible as you’d imagine until Evan, the Erecticle Dysfunction Expert, decided to assert his imagined dominance by using his set to teach the dangers of steroid abuse as a nod to his nemesis, (you guessed it) Chad. Ironically, Chad proved his point by going into full roid rage mode, ripping Evan’s shirt, punching a door, and telling Evan, “You’re going to die if you don’t chill out.” Sounds like marriage material.
The date progressed to the after party where JoJo spoke with and kissed each the guys one after the other as per usual. But when it was Evan’s turn he surprised us all with an ultimatum. Chad needed to go or he needed to go. You guys need to understand the significance of this. Do you remember that Sesame Street skit “One of These Things is Not Like the Others”?
That is Evan.
He’s teeny, awkward, and looks like he would have been the secretary (not president) of the drama club while swimming in a sea of oversized bros. Hilariously, even Alex the mini-marine describes Evan as the “smallest guy” in the house. I honestly didn’t think he would last past the first episode this season. In my opinion, Evan has as good a chance of winning this thing as I do.
Yet, he gave an ultimatum and it worked. I don’t know what kind of flaccid penis expert magic he used, but JoJo gave him the date rose and kissed him. This led to the horrifying moment when Evan looked at the camera and spoke to his three children at home saying, “Boys, guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!”
Chad spoke for all of us when he said, “Is this real?”
My reaction.
Meanwhile, Chad stopped to say “Hey, buddy” to his reflection in a mirror and made sure everyone knew if he can’t lift weights he’s “going to murder someone.” That seems healthy. A security guard was assigned to follow him around just in case he decided to follow through on his murder threats, but Chad just looked like he was sizing up if he could bench him or not.
Swinging Good Time
Texan good ol’ boy, singer-songwriter, James Taylor (not that one) received the next one-on-one date. He and JoJo took swing dancing lessons from an octogenarian and then forgot absolutely everything the poor old lady taught them. James Taylor can’t dance, but he can pronounce JoJo’s name like it has 12 syllables with his Texan drawl.
Later that evening James Taylor played the guitar for JoJo and sang her a song which she reciprocated with the date rose. James Taylor is adorable. He’s the guy you bring home to meet your parents after your ex-boyfriend Chad ruins Thanksgiving. He’s the man all the other men in the house are going to invite to their Bachelor viewing parties while they milk their fifteen minutes of fame. He is also, in my opinion, firmly friend-zoned by JoJo. Sorry, James Taylor (still not that one).
My reaction.
Meanwhile, Chad was back at the mansion chomping on a raw sweet potato while Daniel, the resident Canadian, tried to explain what it’s like being friends with Chad in the house. This was the most hilarious exchange I’ve ever witnessed on this show. Daniel said, “Let’s pretend you’re Hitler.” To which Chad replied, “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.” “Okay, well let’s say you’re Trump or something like that.” Then, in what has to be the best summary of political diplomacy ever, Daniel recommended that Chad turn his aggression down a notch saying, “Let’s be not so much like Hitler. Maybe be more like Mussolini, you know, or Bush.” Sage advice, Daniel.
Weirdest pool party ever
JoJo cancelled the usual cocktail party, choosing to host an all day pool party instead. Naturally that meant the men did synchronized dives into the pool and Evan got a nose bleed. Most of the guys were excited to see JoJo in a bikini, but Chad would prefer that no one else look at his woman. (Enter Caveman grunt here – he’s really taking the whole Paleo diet thing to a strange level.)
Of course, Evan made sure to spend a portion of the pool party telling Chris Harrison how scared he is of Caveman Chad. Chris Harrison took Chad aside to give him a warning that he needed to apologize to the men and settle things or else he’d have to leave the mansion. Chad didn’t understand why everyone couldn’t just leave him alone saying “If there’s no way for me to get you to stop saying the things that you’re saying then I will physically have to fight you.” Wait, don’t let me forget to mention that he also said he’s going to “cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off and there’s going to be torsos and then I’m going to throw them in the pool.” But sure, an apology should fix things.
He came back in and sarcastically offered Evan twenty dollars for his ripped shirt saying, everyone should feel comfortable because he hasn’t “gone out of his way” to attack anyone. Good, we wouldn’t want him to strain himself by going out of his way.
My reaction.
Meanwhile, Chad didn’t actually murder anyone. Yet.
Finally a Rose Ceremony
The pool party wrapped up with Jordan and JoJo rubbing their perfectly coiffed heads together while JoJo pulled the ultimate Bachelorette move by wanting Jordan to confess undying affection for her after 2 group dates. Then when questioned by JoJo, Derek (poor man’s John Krasinski), explained that there’s a security guard watching him sleep in the room he shares with Chad because he’s legitimately concerned that he may be murdered so, of course, Chad got mad. Again. Oh and at one point Chad compared himself to steak and Evan to ice cream, ruining two of my favorite foods for all time. Thanks for that.
Everyone was convinced that Chad wouldn’t receive a rose at that evening’s rose ceremony, because he’s a legit psychopath but our girl JoJo loves a bad boy so he was saved at the last minute. Evan said he can’t believe “this guy” got to stay and I fully expected him to be pointing his thumbs back at himself, because seriously, how is Evan still there.
Christian, Nick B. and Ali were all sent home to host a D-list party at a Native American casino near you. The cover charge is only $15 and your dignity.
My reaction.
Luke makes things hot
It’s the moment no one has been waiting for, the traveling portion of the show has begun, meaning the cast has left the mansion for good! First stop…Nemacolin, Pennsylvania? What in the name of Chris Harrison’s clothing line has happened to the travel budget on this show?
Who cares because the mysterious War Veteran, Luke finally has a one-on-one with JoJo. They started out on a really strange dog pulled go cart ride. I know that sentence doesn’t make any sense, but I don’t know how else to describe it. It was a go cart being pulled by a team of dogs. Seriously. Then they split some wood to warm up their wood fire heated hot tub. I don’t even know, guys.
The hot tub ended up being way too hot and I don’t mean that metaphorically. Although, don’t get me wrong, Luke is HOT. More importantly, Luke is also smart, accomplished, confident, and mature. Probably too mature for this show. (No one tell him.) At dinner that night Luke shared some of his history. He played football at West Point and served as a platoon leader in Afghanistan where his good friend was killed in action. His experiences have given him a perspective in life that have shaped him into an emotional person. I’m not kidding when I say he’s a Nicholas Sparks character in real life. I’m smitten and so is JoJo. He got the date rose and then they made out on a platform while yet another publicity seeking band played in the background.
My reaction.
Meanwhile, Chad referred to himself as “the Chad bear” stating it’s not a wise decision to poke the Chad bear. Duly noted.
More Sports Stuff
It’s time for another group date and since there are still way too many dudes left to do anything interesting they’re headed to Heinz Field, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers and my complete lack of interest. Famed Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was there to greet JoJo and her bevy of suitors (Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby) but I didn’t pay too much attention because 1) I could not possibly care less about football and 2) accused rapists aren’t entertaining to me. It got a little interesting when James Taylor refused to get stitches after he split his head open, but not really.
Then they split into two teams with the promise of an after party with JoJo on the line. Winner take all. The best part of this was seeing Evan dressed up like the rejected fifth member of 98 degrees. He said he felt “dangerous” and was “in beast mode” so naturally he got a bloody nose (again) almost immediately. JoJo took the winning team to the after party (I honestly, don’t remember/care who won) where Robby wore what must have been his Grandpa’s dinner jacket. He told her that he’s falling for her and then he attacked her face made out with her on a pool table. It seemed like his feelings and affection were out of place, but JoJo described him as a “man” so that explains a lot about her dating history.
Then JoJo hung out with her favorite Jordan who “makes her nervous.” She kept complaining that Jordan is hard to read which is absurd. But, her guilt trip worked because – surprise- Jordan admitted that he is falling for her too! JoJo gave him the date rose and all of us said “duh” in unison.
My reaction.
Meanwhile, Chad got mad at Jordan for some asinine reason causing him to say, “Jordan, you think this is a show and you think you’re safe for now, but one day this ends and when this ends you go home and when you go home you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to go to your house?” Someone needs to pass that man a head of lettuce to munch on or something. Things are getting dire.
Whistler in the Woods
Finally things were coming to a head. Chad was going on the two-on-one date with JoJo and Alex, the mini-Marine. The other men were pinning all their hopes and dreams of Chad’s demise on Alex’s shoulders. You can do it, Alex, take down The Chad Bear!
In the end all it took was Alex telling JoJo that Chad had threatened Jordan to make her finally see the truth. No one messes with good hair Jordan and gets away with it. JoJo confronted Chad about Alex’s accusations which had the completely expected result of turning Chad into the Hulk again. Chad all but admitted to threatening violence, but he explained it away by saying he didn’t know how else to handle the situation. When JoJo suggested “sitting down and having a conversation like an adult,” the producers yelled “No! What about ratings!” and Chad acted like he had never heard of such a thing.
JoJo walked off to take a break which gave Chad the chance to make one final confrontation with Alex. He used his time to go full dad mode on Alex saying “I’m not very happy with you. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” and then made sure to tell him that he should drink milk because “milk is delicious.” Chad could have just asked me if those lines would work, I use them every night trying to get my kids to eat their dinner. For the record, they don’t.
In a surprise to no one, JoJo gave Alex the date rose leaving Chad to fend for himself in the woods. Back at the resort, the Bachelorette interns took his bags away while the rest of the men celebrated with literal confetti and champagne. As for me, I’m glad no one, you know…died, but I’m going to miss Chad for his entertainment value. I mean, what now? We have to watch JoJo fall in love with approximately 2-3 men? Boring.
My reaction.
Meanwhile, Chad whistled ominously through the woods like the beginning of a horror film before he showed up in the dark of night to drag his fingers down the glass door to the house where the men are staying. Fade to black; to be continued. I’ll never sleep again.
In Two weeks
Thanks to more sports shenanigans (NBA Finals or something) The Bachelorette will return in two weeks on Monday, June 20th. We’ll get to find out who Chad is going to murder first. You can watch this teaser if you’re brave.
My picks (No Spoilers)
Clockwise from top left: Jordan, Luke, Chase and Robby
In my opinion, Jordan is a clear front-runner, but this week Luke pushed his way to an easy second place position in my rankings. I’m moving Chase to third and reluctantly keeping Robby in fourth place despite some very serious misgivings about his fashion choices and over zealous kissing.
Did you make it through all four hours of The Bachelorette this week? What do you think Chad is going to do on the next episode? You’re in love with Luke too, right? Tell me in the comments!
