This past weekend, Starz capped off their #OutlanderOfferings with a marathon of the entire first season. Over 16 glorious hours with the man who turned “Je Suis Prest” into fans’ mating call. The man who makes the simple act of eating a roll the hottest form of foreplay. The man who makes us all want to eschew all 21st century conveniences and advancements in modern technology and healthcare just to time travel back to 18th century Scotland and have one single roll in the hay stuffed bed. (Bedbugs and scurvy be damned.)
That’s right. I mean the man: James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser.
For fans of the first season, we saw Jamie go from outlaw to husband, from laird to prisoner, from victim to survivor. And before we could even spell “sassenach” without having to look it up in some Scottish Gaelic dictionary we found on a fansite that used clipart of Stonehenge and kilts and sound clips of bagpipes, we said au revoir to Jamie and Claire Fraser as they embarked on their new lives in France.
Although fans argued about the show’s portrayal and overall screen time of Jamie, we all can agree that Sam Heughan successfully made Jamie Fraser leap from the pages of our worn out copies of Outlander to our $125 per month premium channel. And by the time Jamie was on that boat, finding out that his baby batter was baking in Claire’s oven, Sam was JAMMF. (On screen only because he’s not actually from 18th century Scotland just like he’s not actually a prince in need of a princess at Christmas.)
But one issue still stumps fans, leaves us asking why, questioning our own faith in humanity, reevaluating what we thought was true: Jamie Fraser’s hair.
I will be the first to admit that I hoped that the break between seasons would bring some consistency to the hair that made me search the internet for “Hot Gingers in Kilts” one minute and the next gave me grief-stricken flashbacks to my eighth grade at-home perm catastrophe; to have a reprieve from the unsteady highs (see “short hair, don’t care” Jamie in “Sassenach”) to the lows (I’m looking at you, hand porn hillside Jamie from “Both Sides Now.” I’m pretty sure Hugh Munro was signing his concern over what was going on with your curtains, if you know what I mean.)
I was wrong.
So, to close 2015 and say bonjour to the Frasers in the Spring of 2016, here are the highlights and lowlights of Jamie Fraser’s Hair Part 2: The Curl Awakens.
Highlight: Who’s Your Master “The Reckoning”
There’s no better Jamie hair than Jamie sex hair, and what a way to welcome him back from the hiatus.
Is it due to all the heavy breathing mixing with the fire and lack of ventilation? Is it due to the inevitable rug burn? Is it due to the trajectory of the thrust? Is it due to having a knife held to your neck while your wife goes Cowgirl Up on you?
Yes to all of it and so, so much more. And what are we left with? Afterglow accompanied by sweaty, tousled Jamie hair. By the end of that scene, bed head Jamie had all of us calling him “Master” and willing to give up our souls.
Lowlight: Attention in the Court “The Devil’s Mark”
Sure, Claire was on trial for being a witch. But this court finds Jamie to be guilty of unmanageable hair.
Let’s take a look at the damning evidence. Exhibit A: Bangs like look like they were attacked with a Conair ½” barrel curling iron. Exhibit B: The return of the Scottish mullet (flat on the top and curly at the bottom). You would think that riding in to save his wife at a galloping speed would have given him some volume. Guess not. Exhibit C: Laoghaire because that skank is the worst and all things beautiful flounder when she’s around.
This court hereby sentences you to a deep conditioning treatment and a blow out. Or go with the all natural treatment and have sex with your wife because that seems to work really well.
Actually, please do that.
Highlight: 100 Questions at “Lallybroch”
Welcome back to Lallybroch, Laird.
And welcome back great Jamie hair.
The scene was perfect: the sun was shining, the sky was blue, the Frasers were together, Claire was teaching all of us about aviation technology. This was accompanied by hair that clearly thrives off of sunlight, a stroll through the Scottish hillsides, and keeping your head turned up to the sky while your 20th century wife explains the complexity of air travel.
Keep looking to the skies, Jamie. Please. I’m begging you.
Lowlight: The Laird’s Return to “Lallybroch”
Way to welcome back your Laird, people of Lallybroch. Sure, you brought flowers, perhaps a goat, and that tiny blue vase just like Claire desired at the beginning of the season. But not one of you took a look at Jamie Fraser and brought him some type of goose grease for his hair?
Way to drop the ball.
Highlight: Skinny Dipping in “Lallybroch”
Where do you begin with this scene?
First, there’s the lack of kilt and hint of bum. Second, there’s that Jamie attitude that makes you want to smack him and then make out hard with him. Third, there’s the abs and the presence of on-ramps to Jamie’s own Loch Ness monster.
And fourth? Oh, yeah. Dirty, sexy Jamie hair. Who knew that dirty mill pond water and almost drowning to death could lead to some amazing hair?
Lowlight: Boat Hair in “To Ransom a Man’s Soul”
Any avid fan of the series knows that Jamie has a growing list of archnemeses: Black Jack Randall, Dougal, Laoghaire, Horrocks, winking.
Now add sea salt and wind to that list. Sometimes, Mother Nature, you can be a complete bitch to Jamie Fraser. How dare you, madame.
Highlight: Sacrifice in “To Ransom a Man’s Soul”
Why, God, why does this moment of beautiful coiffure stem from such utter violence?
We could chalk this up to an evening spent with Black Jack Randall and his stonewall room of pain. But let’s give it credit to where credit is due: Jamie Fraser and the blood and sweat due to his fight to save the woman he loves at all costs.
It’s just one of the reasons why we all love and respect Jamie Fraser, whether it’s on page or on screen: he is a man we all want in our lives in one way or another. (I prefer my one way to be a one way ticket to “Master”ville but whatever.) A man who believes in devotion, honor, love, and ultimately sacrifice even if it is at the expense of his own soul.
The moments of awe-inspiring hair? Well, that’s just a bonus.