1. Denial and isolation
In what universe does T-Pain know and have pet name for Rob Pattinson?! Apparently this one. From the moment I heard the devastating news I didn’t believe it for a second. I already HATE April fools day and this was perhaps my least favorite joke of the day, only then I found out it wasn’t a joke and I started avoiding every headline about him, refusing to even entertain this insane idea. I am going to have to be honest and say I still haven’t worked through this stage completely.
Basically I was really mad at Kristen Stewart for a few days, reliving Trampire gate and randomly murmuring “I can’t believe she cheated on him” while at work typing up reports. I literally still can not believe it and sincerely hope that their entire relationship was fake from the start, even if that means there never really was a bear skinned rug. I was also pretty angry that I will never get to use my secret wedding Pintrest board to execute the most stunning wedding Dick and Claire has ever seen.
I wish I could boycot him, I wish I just didn’t care but lets be real you guys I haven’t got a leg to stand on. I am completely lost to him, I even sat through the entirety of The Rover and Cosmopolis! I can’t quit you Rob no matter how you break my heart.
So last weekend I locked myself in my room and watched Twilight on and Remember Me on Netflix finally starting the journey to acceptance. In case you’ve ironically forgotten what Remember Me was about, it’s the one where, spoiler alert: He dies in 9/11. This aided in my grief because it brought to life how bad both of these movies really are. It’s like a veil was torn off my eyes and I realized I have essentially been wearing beer goggles the last 8 years! I think I am finally ready to move on.
I guess if Dick is okay with his son marrying a girl who wears a dick on her dress for her coming out photo op I guess I have to be okay with it too. So with a heavy heart I say, congratulations you two. I am sure you will make the most supernaturally beautiful children this earth has ever seen…. oh God, she’s totally going to have his babies. I will just be over here being TOTALLY fine with all of this.