“Ragner, you just defeated the Mercian usurpers and made an alliance with the Christians, where are you going now?” “I’m going to Paris!!!”
But little did they know that they’d be getting their Shakespeare on this week with betrayal after betrayal after mud fight after betrayal! Here are the top betrayals of this week, ranked in order of their relationship to obscure Norse mythology (‘cuz that’s totally normal):
Betrayal Level: insulting messenger squirrel
To say Floki is not on board with Ragnar’s whole “let’s hold hands with the Christians and sing Kumbayah” thing is the understatement of Jotnarian proportions! It started from the first moment the Vikings set foot in England and Floki went berserker on a band of English soldiers who were just chillin’ with Ragnar. Since then, he can’t stop dropping anti-Christian ear worms at anyone who is within kvetching range (sorry, couldn’t find norse translation for kvetching). I know what you’re thinking: that Floki sounds just like Ratatoskr, the mythological bore-toothed trouble-making squirrel who lives in the sacred Yggradisil tree! Doesn’t he though?
I’m pretty sure that means “I love you, Athelstan.”
This week he is causing even more trouble, running to tell Ragnar about Aslaug’s extracurricular humping the second Helga spilled the beans! While I can’t get behind his treachery, especially all the weird embellishments he added to the story (Aslaug always smelled of fish? what is that all about?), I do appreciate the response he elicited from Ragnar:
I give that dismount a 10!
Betrayal level: Fenrir
We all knew that King Ecbert was up to no good, but I think we were all hoping that getting into Lagertha’s pants was the goal of his treachery. Or maybe his goal was a threesome with Athelstan? Or that he’d be happy as the shadow king of Mercia?
Nope to all of those! Instead, Ecbert took a page from the Norse god of destruction, and set up an elaborate ploy to send his son to destroy the Norse settlement, but make it look like it was the rogue action of some treasonous noblemen.
Killing a whole bunch of kids? Yeah, he’s a real hero.
The whole settlement is dead, but they can’t be mad at Ecbert, because it wasn’t his fault, right? “I am a genius!” says Ecbert.
Ecbert seems to think he is getting off scot-free in all this, but, unfortunately, he does not understand “Viking math,” in which this situation is summed up as follows:
Uh-oh! Looks like this might not work out as you planned it . . .
Betrayal level: Ragnar is a dick
Okay, Ragnar’s man-sword is not technically the stuff of Norse mythology, but I think he may have earned a place this week by totally screwing Lagertha in the “not fun” way.
Lagertha learned that Calf had betrayed her and usurped her Earldom, about which I was really pissed last week, but now that I’m seeing his hotness I’m having trouble maintaining my outrage.
I am so angry at you, but I also want to touch your hair. May I?
So Lagertha asks Ragnar to use his King-ness to persuade Calf to give the lands and title back, and his response is basically:
Really? After all the times Lagertha went to battle for some dumb thing you wanted raid? All the times she had babies for you because of some dumb, sexy thing you wanted to do? All the times she had to leave you because of some dumb place you stuck your man-sword? After all that you couldn’t even use your power to help her get her stuff back?
I suspect Rags does not want to help Lagertha because a) he lurves her and is trying to get her to stick around, b) because he has the same reaction to Calf’s hotness and doesn’t want to man-cheat on Athelstan, or c) he’s a dick.
And lastly, I personally, experienced some betrayal at the hands of Vikings this week. In the wake of Siggy’s death, Rollo is back to his mopey, drunk, belligerent self. In an attempt to save his uncle from being torn to shreds, Bjorn gets into a scuffle with him that ends up outside in the town square where it is very rainy and muddy. So we’ve got 2 smokin’ hot, buff men rolling around together in the mud AND IT WASN’T EVEN THE LEAST BIT SEXY! Hello?
Please note: This is too many clothes for mud wrestling
It was really just violent and bloody and at no time was I having inappropriate thoughts about being part of a Rollo/Bjorn sandwich. How can I ever trust you again, Vikings?!!!
So how is this all going to play out? Will Floki’s constant meddling tear the crew apart? Will Ragnar give up his dreams of gay Paree to go put the hurt down on Ecbert? Will Lagertha fall victim to Calf’s charming manipulations? Tune into Vikings next week to find out!!