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Season 3 of Vikings is under way!
We realize that it’s been a little while since you got to hang out with your Norse pals, and it looks like you might have forgotten a few essential things about spending time with those 8th century killing machines. We here at TN have some tips to help you get your sea-legs back asap, so you are able to fully enjoy your Vikings experience!
So.much.chopping. Chopped heads, chopped arms, chopped legs – on this show, if it can be chopped, it will be chopped! (Case in point: Rollo randomly chopping off a prisoner’s leg, yanno, just because.)
Oh, shirtless Rollo, you can chop my leg off anytime! (That is a euphemism for sex, right?)
Image courtesy of the History Channel
There is so much sword-wielding mayhem on this show that they actually use a hose in order to achieve the proper amount of blood splatter!
Look at her revel in the carnage! She is a monster!
Needless to say, this show is best enjoyed not in the proximity of food.
The series leaves in its wake trail of bodies about twice as wide as the grand ole’ Mississippi (which is still only half as wide as the trail left by GoT): Earl Haraldson, Jarl Borg, King Horik, every last person in every last Wessex town the Norsemen vikinged on. Things look especially bleak if you are the bearded blonde guy who hangs out with Rags, Rollo and Floki. First to go was Leif, sacrificed at the alter in place of Athelstan in the episode “Sacrifice”:
Now it looks like Torstein of the recently departed left arm might be next:
Ah, Torstein, you’re kind of a douchenozzle, but I’ll miss you anyway!
Note Bene: If you are a large blonde bearded dude, and Ragnar, Rollo & Floki express interest in being “pals”, make some excuse about having to go do your nails and GTFO!
(see also: Do not eat while watching)
I was going to council you to not make wee Judith’s mistake of wanting to reenact the Ecstasy of St. Teresa with a former man of the cloth, but I imagine it’s already too late for that, because this:
Image courtesy of the History Channel
I mean, look at him! With his soulful eyes, his ‘hot Jesus’ beard and his inability to reconcile a monotheistic world-view with the cacophonous and resonant power of nature, he is irresistible! Even Ragnar wants in on that tortured Man-of-God action, so what the hell! Carry on with your unholy lusting!*
I’ll admit, I totally forgot this rule, even after having just watched the bloodbath that was last season’s finale. So when Lagertha suggested that Kalf (I believe his name loosely translates to “young Mr. Hotty Pants”) ask for her hand in marriage, I was like “Lagertha, get down with your bad cougar self!”
I was so blinded by his many fantastic qualities (ie beard, doe eyes and 6′-2′ frame) that I didn’t realize he was just using her trust to seize the Earldom of Hedeby!
Mm-hmm, tell me more about your capable head . . .
For shame, Mr. Hotty Pants! For. Shame.
You should also be wary of King Ecbert. I know he’s acting all sweet on Mrs. FKA Lothbrok, but he is definitely up to no good! However, I am willing to give him a temporary pass on douchebaggery on account of him being a smoking hot silver fox.
What the blergenfargen, Vikings? Why do Siggy, Helga and Aslaug keep having the same dream? Who is coming to Kattegat? And why is everybody bleeding from their hands?? (Or, in the case of Torstein, from the stump where his hand used to be?) Are you really going to leave me hanging like that?
Do not make me get the fake blood hose out, Vikings, because I will douse you!
Grab your beer horn and celebrate whenever the Vikings, well, viking! Toasting to Aslaug’s prophecies, Athelstan’s doubts about his faith and Ragnar’s crazy-eyes will lead you down the path toward a profound
state of inebriation understanding of the glory of Norse culture!
Skol! (Oh yeah, that grey-bearded dude right there? Also dead.)
How are your re-acclimating to your Vikings fix? Making sure you fix up a steaming plate of spaghetti with red sauce, juicy tomatoes and tender chunks of liver? What is Princess Kwenthrith’s deal? Is Torstein going to ask Floki to cut off any more limbs, yanno, just because?
* Tumblr’s got the hook up on all your Ragnar/Athelstan non-canon shipping needs.