This story, like most, begins on the internet. A few weekends ago, I was on my fifth hour of an Etsy binge (as you do) when I happened upon THIS:
What choice did I have, really? It’s vintage!
Without further ado, here is your recipe for a fantastic Valentine’s Day:
Vanilla Penis Cakes
Makes like 12-24 penises. I don’t know, really depends on the size…
adapted poorly from this recipe
- 1 1/4 cups whole wheat flour for healthy penises
- 1 1/4 teaspoons of baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1 pinch shame
- 2 eggs
- 3/4 cup sugar
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon drunk mistake
- 1/2 cup canola oil
- 1/2 cup milk + 1/2 teaspoon vinegar
- Have at least one glass of wine.
- Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a bowl.
- Oh crap preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Stir together milk and vinegar in whatever you’ve got handy.
- With a whisk (or a pro mixer if you fancy), beat eggs, then add sugar, vanilla, and oil. Oh, this is in a separate bowl.
- Get distracted by some tweets.
- Oh what the hell, just mix all three of those bowls into the biggest bowl and go to town.
- Maybe have another glass of wine because now you have to grease the penis pan.
- Pour the batter into the empty penises. This will be strange. Fill them 2/3 of the way only. Trust me.
- Bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes. Let cool, because…yea.
That’s how it should have gone down. What actually happened was this:
Someone got a little too excited.
Now is a good time to note that what I purchased on Etsy was technically described as a “mold” good for making soap and/or jello. Perhaps this is why my dream of a sugary penis army was, in reality, sort of a massacre:
That’s a little hard to look at. But hey, they looked terrible and tasted great. And I have never said that before.
So, Valentine’s Day. When I was in a relationship, I’d say “aw, no–why participate in this one cheesy day, when you can do things for each other any day you please?” That’s how I feel about these penis cakes. These are here for you 365 days a year, whenever you need them. Just like me.
With love and baking fails,