“For the last weeks of the season, the tribe of Sleepy Hollow wandered lost through a desert of ponderous backstories, confusing revelations and legions of actors in neoprene demon suits. They began to doubt, and cried out “Why hast thou forsaken us FOX? Why hast thou taken from us our used car shamans, our talking headless guys and our revisionist popular histories? What have we done to displease you?”
But they did not lose faith, and in the 13th episode of the first season the heavens opened up, and a bounty of plot twists, wicked betrayal, and highly shippable moments rained down. The people rejoiced, and their voices were as one as they sang out “What in the actual hell just happened?” – The Book of Sleepy Hollow, Chapter 4 Verse 7
Thank you for the reading, Brother Orlando. What in the actual hell just happened, indeed? As we look for answers to the universal questions presented to us by wizened scribes Sam Chalsen, Damian Kindler, and Heather V. Regnier (How will Abbie escape purgatory? Where is Headless taking Katrina? Just how grounded is Jeremy going to be?) , let us reflect on what we have learned from this most magical television event.
George Washington was the chosen zombie
As we know from the The Walking Dead Scriptures, zombies are unstoppable, unthinking, vicious killers solely intent on eating brains. They do not possess highly developed spatial skills. They cannot hold a pencil. They cannot not eat brains.
But when the most hallowed founder of our country, George Washington was made a zombie, he said “I shall not eat the brains of my countrymen. It goes against the basic freedoms outlined in our Constitution, and I will not sully this document to satisfy my base cravings!” Instead, he sat himself right down and drew a map revealing the access point to purgatory for Crane to use to free Katrina, and afterwards retired to his tomb and died peacefully of zombie natural causes.
God bless you, George Washington. You are an American hero in life, death, and undeath.
Artisanal marmalade is a thing
This is a thing not mentioned in any of the Sleepy Hollow scriptures. It most likely will not come up as a means for preventing the rise of the next Horseman, but in this show you can never be too sure, so let us make a note of it.
(Pssst – Jenny! I really want that coat. If you nab it for me I will make it worth your while!)
The hugging of Ichabbie awakens lust in our hearts
Normally, lust in our heart is highly frowned upon, but there is a special exception when it involves Ichabod and Abbie. Especially when she says things like this:
And when he says things like:
And when they are teary eyed. And when Katrina is like “WTF?”
And when it looks like this:
Lust away, Sleepyheads! May s/he who is without Ichabbie feels cast the first stone.
Captain Frank may be confused about which ‘OZ’ he is headed for
In order to save his daughter from the slammer for murders she committed while under demonic possession, Captain Irving turns himself in and is ‘taken upstate.’ I fear that in making this decision, he may have been thinking the destination Oz was full of magical scarecrows and delightful small people. Not full of heavily muscled man-rapists just waiting for a chance to shiv the guy who sent them upriver in the first place.
You hope this is who you meet in the showers, Frank.
We pray he realizes his mistake in time, and lets his daughter take the rap instead. I mean, she’ll just go to juvey. How bad can it be?
Baby Crane did not age well
Remember back when you proclaimed “OMG! Ichabod and Katrina have a baby! I’ll bet that is going to be one cute baby! I mean, look at those two!”
WRONG! Turns out, their baby is not only the extreme opposite of cute, he is also a total vindictive dick!
Okay, so he got buried alive for a few centuries – think about Moses! He and his folks wandered around forever in a desert! No food. No water. No cable. Did they get all petulant and decide to become a Horseman of the Apocalypse just because the first demon to wander along suggested it? Did they hand over their mom to the headless Horseman out of spite? I don’t think so, but to be honest, I have to reread that story in order to confirm.
Follow up lesson: don’t let your kids have a pony. You have no idea where horseback riding might lead.
And the final lesson:
13 episodes doth not a season make
13 episodes? What is this, Starz? I believe that according the the very document created by our undead hero George Washington, network television is constitutionally obligated to provide 22 episodes of entertaining spiritual enlightenment per season. Beware the false prophets who say ’13 episodes is a perfect length because it keeps the season lean and tight.’ (Entertainment Weekly, I’m looking at you.) They are weaving a technicolor coat of lies! What is to become of us in this next 8 motherloving months of waiting! ALL OF THE WAITING!! WE ARE DOOMED!
Fellow Sleepyheads, I apologize for my use of profanity and my impatience. I clearly need to meditate on the story of the tribulations of Sheriff August Corbin of the recently removed head in order to regain perspective. Let us all hope in that time of the long hiatus Sleepy Hollow does not suffer the fate so chillingly recalled in the Book of Pushing Daisies.
In closing, please join me in singing Hymn #543 “Ichabod, my salvation lies in the running of my fingers through your hair.”
Thus endeth the sermon.
Did you lose your Sleepy Hollow groove? What helped you get it back? Do you know what in the actual hell just happened? How are you planning to fill your empty Mondays for the next 8 motherloving months?