You can’t fool me Ryan. I’m convinced this is all an act and you can no longer fool me with your man-child non-sense. Sure, I’m only 15 minutes into the very first episode of your new reality series on E! called What Would Ryan Lochte do, but I don’t buy it. I kept asking myself, he’s like secretly a genius, right? This also led to like 50 other questions which inspired me to tell you all the things I Googled while watching WWRLD?
Things You Google While Watching What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
– How tall is Ryan Lochte – 6’2
– Has Ryan Lochte ever had a brain/head injury? – Shockingly I can’t find any evidence on the interwebs of one.
– Can you die of 2nd hand embarrassment while watching this show? – I’m testing this one out and will report back weekly.
– Can you die of 2nd hand embarrassment while watching women interact with Ryan? – See above.
– Is Ryan a secret MENSA member? – The results are locked thus furthering my speculation he is a secret evil genius. While I continue to research this you can read the Ryan Lochte Mensa Fanfic where he tries to pick up women smarter than him.
– Is this an elaborate ruse? He can’t be THIS stupid, he HAS to be self-aware enough that this is all a huge joke, right? RIGHT? –This post: Ryan Lochte Prepped For New Reality Show By Watching The Kardashians was the first to pop up about Ryan further confirming my evil genius conspiracy. He knows the Kardashian’s are genius public manipulators who used their daughter’s sex tape with Brandy’s brother to make billions of dollars off their dumb audience.
– What is the longest roller coaster in the world? Cause Ryan’s been on the longest love roller coaster (4 years) – According to this Wikipedia entry, it’s the Steel Dragon in Japan. Slow down Steel dragon he wants to get off.
– If Ryan’s wingspan is 4 inches longer than a normal person of his height, does this make him a Neanderthal and shouldn’t his arms drag on the ground? – No idea but this Yahoo Answers thread makes a compelling argument for Neanderthal’s vs modern day American Football players, so Ryan can’t be far off, right?
– What would MICHAEL PHELPS DO??? – No one cares. Put a bag over your head Phelps. This is the Ryan show. Also apparently Michael just golfs a lot now.
– Ryan’s sisters, Kristin and Megan, are the breakout stars of this show. E! get them their own spin off or girls head to MTV cause you are the new Rob and Big. This is my a conclusion than a question.
– Is this entire show culled from leftover Jaywalking footage from the Jay Leno show? – There’s nowhere else this could have come from but the dregs of America:
So if you have the work ethic to win multiple gold medals at the Olympics you can’t be THAT much of a douche bag, right? I just can’t allow this to actually be the truth. Ryan Lochte can’t be that much of an idiot, right? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this show is both oddly entertaining and oddly charming. Of course this is given that he’s self aware and this is all a put on. Otherwise, yes he is America’s sexiest (at certain angles) douchebag. As Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock said, “In 10 years we’ll all either be working for him or die by his hand.”
Next week on manic pixie dream boy evil genius swimmer:
Is anyone else watching this besides me and Elise? Is he really this slow or is my conspiracy theory correct?