It’s no secret that we don’t get along. When you got arrested this weekend, I won’t lie. I celebrated. My friends across the country and beyond tweeted and texted me their congratulations on your public shame. I felt like I needed to make a speech but I settled for a tweet (or two). I didn’t have any champagne or a vintage Dior (because I’m a filthy, filthy plebian), but I had croissants, Pinot Grigio, Game of Thrones and NO ARREST RECORD. Ahem.
Now, I’m not taking credit for your miserable, horrible failure as a public figure of decency. That was all YOU. I’m just taking pleasure in your fall from false grace. It feels like justice. It feels good for the rest of the world to see what I’ve been saying for YEARS: Your BRAND may be sweet, saccharine and Southern, but your SELF is bratty, bitchy and boring.
Your SELF (I’m capitalizing so your brain doesn’t explode from lack of deference, since I can’t genuflect through the computer screen) shows itself in every interview: the fake way you smile and preen, the rote and sometimes caustic phrases you use to describe your co-workers, the way you look like each interviewer is personally affronting you by existing.
Still, for some reason, I’ve been seeing words like “uncharacteristic” and “shocking” to describe the way you behaved to police. And I think your SELF would like that cleared up. So let the record state: Reese was just being Reese, not Drunk!Reese, not Scared!Reese, not Mistreated!Reese, just … Regular!Reese. There is nothing out of character about you being belligerent and demanding. That’s just who yo SELF be. Melanie Smooter without the ah-ha moment or the hot guy. Right? RIGHT.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” is not something you shout just because you’ve had one drink too many. It’s something you shout when one-drink-too-many-people-know-I-suck now. But I get it: you didn’t want the officers to pursue the arrest because you knew there was very little chance you would get out of this, reputation unscathed. But your SELF got in its usual mouthy ass way and made it worse. Oh, I get giddy just thinking about how YOU made this whole situation happen. It’s so beautifully circular.
And that’s not even discussing how your SELF decided she was herSELF enough to get into a car with a drunk husband endangering innocent lives and potentially orphaning your newborn son. Your bubblegum wife and mother fans aren’t gonna let that one go, no matter how much you try to pin it on Jim’s sudden burgeoning alcoholism. Sidenote: Wives don’t like that husband-shaming move any more than moms like the driving-drunk one.
And oh, yes, it makes this hilarious joke in Jimmy Kimmel about drinking whiskey between preschool drop-offs just so on point with your “making being a good girl cool again” image. God, I really can’t stand you.
So, I just wanted to let you know that our relationship can go on as it has for ten years: me judging you, YOU being your SELF while trying to pick up the mangled bits of your reputation and attempting to salvage your sagging career. Oh, and please don’t insult us by trying to spin this into you being “edgy” and “misunderstood.” Your SELF expected Officer Public Servant to bow when you cowed. It didn’t work. Pointy chin-up, Reese. You do that, and I won’t start with the Walk the Line jokes.
A fellow Tennessean Wife and Mom, albeit one with no Oscars or arraignments