This week on The Bachelorette they gifted us with not one but two nights of Chad’s roid rage. It was like your birthday and Christmas rolled up into one compact ball of sinew and pulsating chest veins. That’s four hours of Chad threatening everyone’s physical well-being in between making me fall for Luke and wondering how Jordan puts on those skinny jeans. How has this show not won an Emmy yet?
The second episode of JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette aired on Memorial Day which is perfect because 90% of it featured a Marine trying to fight a meathead. When I say meathead I mean it literally, because this particular man stuffed his face with deli meat throughout the entire rose ceremony. God Bless America.
Welcome home Bachelorette watchers and lurkers, the mansion driveway has been slicked with the tears of past rejects, JoJo has made fast friends with a roll of double-sided tape, and Chris Harrison is somewhere off stage diving into his piles of money Scrooge McDuck style. Oh how I’ve missed you.
You know what JoJo needs right now? A friend to make snap judgments about the guys she’s dating. By friend we mean us. Obviously.
The next morning the final dates were done and Bachelor Ben seemed no closer to being ready to make a decision than he was ten weeks ago when we started these shenanigans. He kept referring to himself as “physically lost” but I’m pretty sure he meant metaphorically lost otherwise he should just go to the hotel lobby and get a map from the concierge.
