- I apparently do have ESPN.
- I can actually sit through a live NFL game, complete with a million timeouts, a clock that stops every three milliseconds, and so many Geico insurance and erectile dysfunction commercials.
- I still don’t know squat about football.
- I’ll do anything to watch the new Star Wars trailer, and Disney/ESPN knows this.
The new and final Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker trailer finally premiered, and quite honestly, we’re still not over it. From John Williams’ sweeping and powerful rendition of the famous theme to C3PO’s emotional *possible* farewell to Princess Leia having the final word, the final trailer in the Skywalker saga, TROS is filled to the brim with such emotional gravitas, it took Janna and I just to break it down.
The Moment We Realized We Have Zero Chill
Julie: I could start this by acting like we never saw it, or texted each other about it, or spoke on the phone for almost 2 hours, or haven’t watched it almost every single half an hour.
Janna: And I will attempt to pretend that I haven’t obsessed about this thing every minute of the last 24 hours.
Julie: So, I know this is Star Wars, but I swear if this scene had Bella’s whole “I never given much thought to how I would die” prologue, I’d dig it. #EGBTT
Janna: Who wears white in the jungle, though. Rookie mistake.
Julie: Not only does Rey have the force, but she also has the stain fighting power of Tide Pods.
Janna:“The Force brought us together.” As FRIENDS, Finn. She’s taken by one Dark Moody Space Prince.
Julie: That’s why she’s running – she doesn’t want to have that conversation. Again.
He’s Back, Baby
Julie: It’s like Find Waldo, but it’s Find Lando. I love that thirty years later, he’s still rocking those capes. Never change, Lando.
Janna: He gave up the pirate lifestyle and now does speaking engagements for dispirited Resistance troops.
Julie: Sounds like a solid retirement plan.
Julie: Roooooooooose! The fact that they finally put her in the trailer makes my heart sing, and it sounds like a million little fanboys losing their shit. Here for it (but I wish she was in it more).
Janna: We stand with Rose. Best two seconds of the trailer thus far.
Can You Stand the Rain?
Janna: I SPY ONE SCAVANGER READY FOR AN EPIC LIGHT SABER DUEL IN THE RAIN. And by “lightsaber duel” I mean…other things.
Julie: Remember when you said Rose was the best two seconds of the trailer? I may have to disagree with you. “But I do” is now the best two seconds of MY LIFE.
Janna: Did “But I do” just become the three most important words in my life?!? And maybe my text tone?
Julie: So far, we’ve got Kylo body checking, Kylo strutting, and now Kylo flipping his saber. This is my erotica.
Janna: Kylo is channeling fierce Mr-Darcy-strutting-across-a-field-at-dawn vibes. I’m so proud.
Our Palpatine Theory
Julie: Palpatine is the OG Reylo. “You’re coming together is your undoing.” Way to douse those shipping flames, Disney.
Janna: He’s just saying what we’re all thinking. Obviously Rey and Kylo come together every time. In the fanfics, at least.
Julie: The force wills it. All kidding and Reylo aside, Palpatine’s voice still gives me chills.
Janna: And not the good kind.
Julie: And seeing him again means having to see the worst dental work in cinematic history.
Get Ready to Ugly Cry
Janna: “This Christmas…” I’m sorry Jesus, the reason for the season this Christmas is The Rise of Skywalker.
Julie: Well, Anakin did come from the force and was birthed by a woman, so…Space Jesus.
Julie: I’m not ready for this. I will never be ready for this.
Janna: It’s embarrassing how hard I’m crying. Carrie, you are so missed.
Julie: I knew it! Horses did come from outer space. Look at Jannah being the boss and leading that calvary.
Janna: And Finn has finally found his calling as a space cowboy.
Julie: While all the orbs (had to look that up) have to watch they don’t trample and destroy BB-8.
Janna: DON’T YOU HURT BB-8. He’s very rare.
Of Course We’re Going to Talk Reylo
Julie: We’ve come to the Reylo portion of our trailer, thank you very much. Haters please exit now.
Janna: Those two people are about to kiss.
Janna: Rey and Kylo FIGHTING TOGETHER LIKE GOD INTENDED.
Julie: I’m pretty sure they’re destroying Darth Vader’s helmet like some horcrux but they’re also destroying my emotions.
Janna: Honestly a Star Wars/Harry Potter cross over is overdue.
Julie: Where Kylo’s the teacher of the Dark Arts, and Rey’s the newest addition to the staff. At first they hate each other, but eventually they start having a secret affair and their trysts happen during quidditch matches. I’ve been reading way too much smut.
Janna: Sneaking around behind Hagrid’s cottage like a couple of 6th years.
Julie: That. Hair.
Janna: Whatever you feel about Adam Drivers face, you have to agree that his hair is the 8th wonder of the world.
Julie: That’s the look he gives right before he shreds another old ass Sith Lord to the ground, and when he’s ready to cuddle.
Janna: I hope he’s cracking his knuckles in that scene, ready to defend his lady love.
Julie: With his gloves off. Or better yet, slowly pulling them off, finger by finger.
Janna: Your kink is showing, Julie.
The Rise of [Ben] Skywalker [Solo]
Julie: “Always.” And just like the Death Star, I’m completely destroyed.
Janna: I will never rise from these ashes. Gutted.
Julie: Those tears better be for Ben Solo. Forget Bendemption. I’m talking Bensurrection.
Janna: You know that sounds a lot like Ben’s E…never mind.
Janna: Again… THE MUSIC. It’s hope. It’s triumph. It’s Happily Ever After.