This is where I’d usually recap where the relationships on Bachelor in Paradise stand, but why would I when queen Demi already did it for me? “It’s week two in Paradise and since the women have the roses this week it feels like it’s going to be a good day. So Cam is all in on Caelynn. Clay and Nicole just had a one-on-one and seem to be connecting. I’m having so much fun with Derek. And last night Chris saved us all from Annaliese and gave his rose to Kristina. Thank God. But it wouldn’t be Paradise if there wasn’t drama because Hannah is in a love triangle with Dylan and Blake and at this point, I do not know who is going to win Hannah over.”
Now that we are all caught up, here are all of the best quotes from this week in Paradise
“Peace guys, best of luck not deceiving people.” -Annaliese, after old man Chris dumped her for Kristina
“Maybe if I would have hooked up with Blake I’d still be here.” – Bibi, being send home without a rose….again
“I’m dialed in, I’m healthy, ready to go. Mentally, physically, emotionally totally available.” -Jordan coming to save the day
“I’m going in here, I’m taking a hot chick on a date, and someone’s going to be calling me ‘daddy’ by the end of this.” – Jordan
“Jordan Kimball is the grenade of Paradise. He’s coming in to blow stuff up.” – Katie
“Blake one-nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch he just (mimics drinking milk) you can’t do that, buddy!” -Jordan
“Blake is out here making moves and making love to half the cast out here and he’s just walking all over trying to mark his territory everywhere. He’s putting his spoon in all the pudding!” – Jordan
“I feel like he came down here for the soul purpose of ruining Paradise for me.” – Blake
“There’s such a thing as putting your foot in your mouth. And there’s such a thing as just being a dumbass. And Blake, yeah, he’s a dumbass.” -Jordan
“This specific place in this jungle is where I lost my virginity.” – Jorge on one of his Tourges
“Mike’s a snack. Mama’s always hungry to eat but mama’s extra hungry after seeing Mike.” -Onyeka
“I got big ass ears, I can hear you.” – Mike
“Blake is a shady dude, like he’ll say anything. And I’m confused as to why Hannah is, like, buying it.” – Dylan
“This whole thing has been a mess from the beginning and Hannah is at the center of it.” -Sidney
“You’ve been banging everyone at Stagecoach, now you have six toes, I don’t trust you.” – Demi
“Oh whoa, dude, tickled my jimmy a little bit.” – John Paul Jones
“I have been dating a woman back home.” – Demi, coming out to a very supportive Katie
“Blake is just dipping his toe in every single person’s pool and by foot in the pool I mean he wants to have sex with all the women.” – Kevin
“Hannah right now is the puppeteer.” – Tayshia
“I moved out of Los Angeles and I live in a van now.” – Dean
“Dean’s really hot. Dean’s like a rugged beach bum. Like he showers, but maybe not. It’s a weird combination, but we’re here for it.” – Tayshia
“I was seeing someone before this and I am still thinking about her – And I’m also constantly thinking about being with Derek and it’s just a clusterf**k.” – Demi
“There goes Cam in his natural habitat – walking alone on the beach looking sad.” – Demi and Jordan
“Christian is not a bad looking guy but, a)he’s not a model b) his personality sucks and c) he wore athletic shoes to Paradise. Like on entrance. Go buy a pair of espadrilles you d**k.” – Jordan
“Papi is getting me hot -ay yi yi.” – Nicole
“You never know what could happen in Paradise so things should get interesting tonight.” – Blake heading into the second rose ceremony
“JPJ is like a really hot version of Heath Ledger.” -Tayshia
“I’m on cloud nine. I feel like the Bachelorette of Paradise.” – Nicole
“The bad guys can’t be winners in this. The Blakes and the Christians can’t win.” – Jordan
“So you don’t want me to go over there and wreck that pinata right now? That pinata is getting wrecked.” -Jordan
That’s when Jordan and Christian started a full-on brawl on the beach to be continued next week. This show is bonkers and I live for it. Next week John Paul Jones makes out with Tayshia and we find out more about Demi’s girlfriend from back home. I don’t know what we did to deserve this show, but please don’t stop.
