LUKE WON’T GO AWAY
Last week’s episode ended with bachelorette Hannah Brown telling the aggressively dumb Luke P.(ress fast forward when he talks) that he wasn’t getting the date rose. This week opened with him asking if he was being sent home and she was like, “yes, you dumbass, please respect me.” He left but his exit didn’t last longer than three minutes, because he doesn’t respect anyone other than himself. He quickly came back doing a weird fake yell about wanting to climb mountains for her. But, like, he lives in Florida where there aren’t mountains so not even that was real. Apparently false sincerity paired with washboard abs is Hannah’s thing because he didn’t get a date rose but she still let him stay.
STILL TALKING ABOUT LUKE
America Hannah’s other boyfriends hate Luke P.(lease stop talking). They hate him so much that seeing him return from the date -even without a rose- made them wonder if they’re the right fit for Hannah. Of course, these are relatively attractive men so they quickly shook that off and assumed they’re perfect for literally anyone. My kingdom for a drop of the confidence of a mediocre white man.
Hannah arrived to the cocktail party with a message from God to “focus on the unseen and not the seen” which she interpreted to mean she and the men need to get vulnerable with each other. Personally I think God was probably asking her to focus on anyone other than Luke P.(uke), but here we are.
NOT ENOUGH COCKTAILS IN THE WORLD
The cocktail party completely fell apart when golf-pro Garrett couldn’t mind his own business. Look, we all know Luke is an idiot. But, in my experience, idiots bury themselves. There’s no point in
risking your career as an influencer throwing your back out digging their grave for them.
The 12 remaining men were crowded in a small horseshoe shape just flinging accusations at each other. Hannah broke up the first argument by yelling “I’m frustrated about there always being fights in the house and it’s pissing me off.” Basically she’s me after the first week of summer break with my kids at home.
She begged the men to stay in their own lanes and then left the room. Of course, they didn’t, so she chugged some champagne, stormed back in, and told them that they need to “focus on me and know that I’m a grown ass woman and I can decide if I want to spend my time figuring all of this out or if I don’t.” Then she stormed out and cried in Chris Harrison’s arms.
PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY, PLEASE
Golf pro Garrett apologized to the men for being petty and Luke P.(urge him from my mind) said “I personally appreciate your apology because I had important things to tell her.” No, seriously, go away.
The rose ceremony was held in what I can only assume was a Gryffindor themed fetish room with roses going to only nine men. Bachelor bait, Mike, singer Jed, my boyfriend Tyler, Pilot Peter, nose ring, Dustin, golf pro Garrett, really tall Connor, and friend zoned Dylan got the first eight. Then she sent home veteran Kevin, dad-bod Grant, someone named Devin. That meant only the last rose went to – please say it’s not true- Luke.
RECLAIMING MY TIME
All of that drama took approximately 45 minutes to watch which meant the remaining hour and fifteen minutes were a recap of the season. You know, the season we’ve been watching and recapping every week. I want to speak to the manager.
At this point you should know me well enough to know that I fast forwarded through this portion of the show faster than I cancel plans on a Friday night. However, I did manage to catch the completely bonkers trailer for the rest of the season that was like Stefan from SNL planned it. It had crying southern belles, slut shaming, Tyler on a massage table, an unexpected proposal and Hannah wearing more heart jewelry. Something for everyone.
MY TOP THREE, NO SPOILERS
Okay, fine, Jed, Peter and Luke P.(ray he goes away soon) are probably in the top four as well, but I only have eyes for Tyler. No one tell me his presidential voting record; I want my love to remain pure.
Who is in your top three? How long do we have to keep dealing with Luke? Did I miss anything important in the recap portion of the episode? Let’s talk in the comments.