When we last saw 24 year-old Hannah Brown she was the former Miss Alabama who couldn’t make a toast, smiled when she felt awkward
which was always, was crippled with self-doubt, and inspired us with her desire for a “fierce love” when she cried in her exit limo. Now she’s all of those things but also dating 30 mostly employed men at once.
God, I love this show.
For reasons that are
sexist obvious the Bachelor franchise traditionally likes their male leads to be flawed and their female leads to be perfect. Welcome to 2019, everyone. At first glance, Hannah fits the mold with her Southern Belle accent, dancer’s body, pageant queen smile and truly fantastic hair. But on the inside she’s crippled with self-doubt and wrestles with her sense of self-worth.
There was one moment in the premiere when the limo entrances were complete and she took time to walk around the pool praying, “help me feel worthy, help me feel smart,” under her breath. Just like that, I went all in on Hannah. If she falls in love with one of these average men then great, but what I am excited to see is her fall in love with herself.
LET THE EMBARRASSMENT BEGIN
The last time I was single, Ashlee Simpson was a popular recording artist so I probably shouldn’t judge, but has everyone forgotten how to introduce themselves to strangers they’re attracted to? Half of the men who walked out of the limos on night one couldn’t form a sentence. Quick, someone get them a dating app they can swipe to make themselves feel powerful again.
Thankfully there were a few stand outs who made the effort to embarrass themselves for our entertainment. Joey (33, Finance Manager) arrived with a car seat that had a bottle of champagne snuggled in tight instead of a baby. Connor S. (24, Financial Analyst) hopped the fence like his predecessor, Colton, but he was so out of breath after that I couldn’t stop looking at his flaring nostrils. Jonathan (27, Server) proposed with a “Hannawaiian” pizza.
Joe (30, The Box King) arrived nestled in a huge cardboard box that he exploded out of while making jokes about his package. Ryan (25, Roller Boy) rolled onto the wet driveway on roller skates shouting “roll tide!” And then there was Matt Donald (26, Medical Device Salesman) who drove a tractor and sang a version of Old MacDonald with a chorus that said “with a bro bro here and a bro bro there” as he pointed at his competition.
NOT EVERYONE WAS A WASTE OF TIME
Like Newton’s Third Law, for every man like John Paul Jones (24, John Paul Jones) who repeated his name like Groot, there was a hotter, more employed version to choose from. Tyler C. (26, General Contractor) didn’t get a lot of one-on-one time with Hannah this episode but he’s stupid good looking so I’m sure we’ll see more of him in the weeks to come. The most important thing to know about Tyler C. is that he filmed his entire intro package shirtless while grinding on a construction site like he was auditioning for Magic Mike. They really know how to give the people what they want.
If the blue collar dancer with a heart of gold shtick doesn’t work for you, there’s Jed (25, Singer/Songwriter) whose quiet confidence and legit talent made me forget I wasn’t previously attracted to him. There have been a plethora of mediocre singers – including one who wrote a song praising the current POTUS – on The Bachelorette, but Jed may be the first who can actually sing.
Okay, I get it, you’re into the more borderline asshole clean-cut type, well then Peter (27, Pilot) is sure to make your oxygen mask drop. It’s a veritable buffet of handsome men and I haven’t even told you about Mike (31, Portfolio Manager) or Garrett (27, Golf Pro) yet.
TIME FOR A GUEST APPEARANCE
While Hannah was busy having an awkward kiss with Cam (30, Software Sales/Bad Rapper) and a hot kiss with Connor S. (24, Financial Analyst/Fence Jumper), her friends Demi and Katie from last season of The Bachelor arrived for moral support. Did I say moral support? I meant to sit in a creepy van spying on everyone. Apparently someone on social media had told Demi that Scott (28, Software Sales Executive) has a girlfriend.
Hannah became her best self when they told her the news. She marched in, grabbed Scott and didn’t back down as he made solid excuses like, “I was dating a girl up until Monday and if that bothers you, okay.” Fortunately the girlfriend Scott left waiting for him at home didn’t have to wait long, because Hannah kicked him off the season faster than she could say “roll tide” for the 5,000th time.
The important lesson here is that Demi always has the tea and she’s going to be magical on Bachelor in Paradise.
FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE
There are two things you need to know about the first impression rose recipient, Luke P. (24, Import/Export Manager). First, Hannah really likes him. Second, he’s going to be one of this season’s villains.
It’s easy to see why Hannah is into him. Luke P. is objectively handsome with a body builder’s physique and a great smile. As a native of Gainsville, Florida he’s a family man who has the Southern good ol’ boy personality down pat. Things started to go a little sideways when he failed to give Hannah his jacket even when she complained about being cold – twice – but he was the one who comforted her after her confrontation with Scott so Hannah trusts him.
The real trouble comes from his backstory as a “good Christian boy” who used to be a playboy until he had an encounter with God while taking a shower. Yes you read that right and yes he told that story while they showed footage of him – you guessed it – taking a shower. I’ve dated and married my fair share of good Christian boys so if anything I’m biased in their favor, but when it’s the one aspect of your life that The Bachelorette chooses to focus on, it’s a fair bet that it’s going to be a source of conflict in the future.
At the Rose Ceremony, Hannah sent Old Matt Donald, roller boy Ryan, box king Joe, the other pilot Chasen, math teacher Brian, basketball player Thomas, and professional surfer Hunter packing. Which was odd because Matt Donald and Chasen were both solid options to make it to the travel weeks. I guess the producers really need to make a place on the cast for John Paul Jones and his 90s haircut. That leaves 22 men in Hannah’s harem and a long season ahead of us.
What did you think of Hannah as the Bachelorette? Who are your top picks? There’s no chance Luke P. ends up being a good guy at the end of all of this does he? Let’s talk in the comments!