copyright infringer fan fiction author announced that in no way shape or form does her new novel have any connection to her Fifty Shades of Grey series. The Mister is about a English playboy millionaire with a dark secret who falls in love with a young ingénue. See? Nothing like her previous work about an American playboy millionaire with a dark secret who falls in love with a young ingénue.
Although I’m sure E L James fans have already preordered both the book and the The Mister inspired pleasure collection, some of us internally and outwardly groaned at the thought of more Snowqueens Icedragon’s insipid and vapid storytelling. Are you asking yourself, “What the ever living f**k is a Snowqueens Icedragon?!” Oh, my child. Please click here and you’re welcome.
Many simply asked the question that is pretty much on all our minds, “What book did she steal from this time?” While the “Provocative Romance” writer “borrowed” from Twilight for her last series, here’s fifty books/works/doodles on a receipt that possibly “inspired” E L James for The Mister.
Fifty Books of Plagiarism
1 – 8: The Outlander Series
Why Outlander? There’s going to be a total of ten books which has more than enough material for E L to “borrow,” has sex scenes that actually convey depth and emotion, a tv show that covers
most some of the important details, and a coloring book if you want to skip all of that and just see some pictures.
Plus, think of the fan art possibilities!
9: Ina Garten’s Cooking for Jeffrey
Nothing screams kinky more than Ina making Jeffery his favorite: chicken on a Friday.
10: If You Give a Mouse a Cookie
Or rather “If you give a virgin an orgasm…”
11: A Google search of “Jane Austen porn”
Technically not a book, but if Fifty Shades of Grey qualifies as a book, anything can.
12 – 14: Fifty Shades of Grey series
Because you can’t be taken to court when you steal from yourself. Brilliant.
15: The Magnolia Journal
Red is out. This time, it’s the shiplap room of pain.
16:The quick start guide for your iPhone
“Maxim installed his SIM card into my card tray. Suddenly, I was subject to his wireless service provider’s policies and his data usage rates applied.”
17: Fifty Shades fan fiction that’s better than the original
Yes, it does exist.
18: Twilight fan fiction
Why mess with a tried-and-true method?
19 – 21: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before Trilogy
Let’s see: a YA series that focuses on two teenagers falling in love, overcoming obstacles, and there’s a contract involved?
22: The IKEA Billy bookcase instructions
Okay, technically there are no words in these instructions. Just pictures of naked eunuchs putting together some Swedish furniture, which is practically how you would describe Anastasia Steele to someone who’s never read the books.
23: Your 3rd grade child’s “What I’m Doing for Summer Vacation” essay
This probably has better diction, syntax, and character development than Grey.
24: Stormy Daniel’s Full Disclosure
Anyone else read this and immediately thought this was an E L James sex scene?
“He knew I could pick his dick out of a lineup. He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool.”
25: Tweets from #AskELJames
This was the reason why Twitter was born. E L James and her publicist decide to promote Grey by holding a live Twitter Q&A with fans through the hashtag #AskELJames. It was the most beautiful train wreck that for one brief moment, united the entire world together in perfect harmony with a common goal: to verbally bitch slap E L James in 140 characters. Who could forget this gem from Beth?
Are you going to answer any of these questions, or do you need Stephenie Meyer to do a Twitter chat first? #AskELJames
— Beth (@bethorne) June 29, 2015
How would she use this for her next book? Who knows, but it’s just nice to remember that this all happened and we’re just blessed to witness it.
26.: Lyrics from any The Weeknd song
A Snowsqueens Snapdragon love scene or The Weeknd song lyrics? You decide:
I wanna fuck you slow with the lights on
You’re the only one I’ve got my sights on
Type of sex you could never put a price on
I’ll take it off, you’re the one I’ll roll the dice on
27: A Discovery of Witches
It’s got hot vampires and we all love it. That’s all the ammo E L James needs to write.
28: A CVS receipt
Nothing inspires erotica more than a six foot receipt detailing your purchase of hemorrhoid cream, extra absorbent tampons, prescription acne medication, and reward coupons.
29 – 37: Anne of Green Gables series
Because we all know that before Edward Cullen, Gilbert Blythe was the original ride or die literary boyfriend. Now picture Gilbert with a riding crop in his hand and a kinky fetish. Can’t do it? Don’t fret – E L can and will ruin everything pure and good.
38: Texts from Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s Captain Raymond Holt
Still emotes more than Christian Grey.
39: The terms and conditions from any app you download
“To use Alessia’s services, I needed compatible hardware, software (latest version recommended and sometimes required) and Internet access (fees may apply).”
40: It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health
Since E L is touting herself as the “provocative romance” writer, I’m sure writing fresh and inventive sex scenes can be difficult. How many different variations can there be for quivering thighs or pulsing flesh? When all else fails, turn to the book that your elementary school suggested to your parents to read together “as a family:”
“Even though you may think about that person a lot, sexual desire is mostly the way you feel in your body about that person. Your body may feel excited or warm or quivery or tingly.”
41: The latest Pottery Barn catalog
Perhaps Maxim and Alessia consummate their passionate love on a Lucca extending dining table or under some Grand Organic Cotton sheets with a thread count of 400 all the while saving 20% by using the code “LATERSBABY.”
42: Your college entrance essay
43: Any news article about the Trump White House
According to The Mister’s description, Maxim Trevelyan’s never had to work, inherited his wealth and his title. Basically, he’s Eric Trump. Throw in some collusion and a golden shower, and I think we have a future trilogy.
44 – 47: The Twilight Series…Again
Just in case we’re wondering what could have inspired The Mister, I have a suspicion. Here’s the official book synopsis:
ForksLondon, 2019. Life has been easy for Edward CullenMaxim Trevelyan. With his good looks, aristocratic connections, and money, he’s never had to work and he’s rarely slept alone (Because vampires never sleep). But all that changes when tragedy strikes and Maxim inherits his family’s noble title (Movie tie in: a crest bracelet), wealth (Because Alice can see into the future and predict the stock market), and estates (They matriculate a lot), and all the responsibility that entails. It’s a role he’s not prepared for and one that he struggles to face (He doesn’t want to be a monster).
But his biggest challenge is fighting his desire for an unexpected, enigmatic young woman who’s recently arrived in
WashingtonEngland, possessing little more than a dangerous and troublesome past (She’s a klutz). Reticent, beautiful, and musically gifted (Is she Edward Cullen?), she’s an alluring mystery (i.e. She’s a virgin), and Maxim’s longing for her deepens into a passion that he’s never experienced and dares not name (He’s horny for her blood). Just who is Bella SwanAlessia Demachi? Can Maxim protect her from the malevolence (the Volturi and a demon baby that breaks her ribs and rips open her uterus) that threatens her? And what will she do when she learns that he’s been hiding secrets of his own (He sparkles in the sunlight)?
48 – 50: Any other Stephenie Meyer book
Perhaps the malevolence Maxim must protect Alessia from is an alien life form that invades the body (The Host). What Maxim doesn’t know is that due to Alessia’s training as a chemist and a former government interrogator, she can easily defend herself by the chemical weapons she created (The Chemist). As a result, she becomes the aggressor and protector as the story unfolds, saving Maxim’s life from danger and taking away his virginity (Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined).