After some unsettling dreams portending his violent demise at her hands, Ivar defies his brother and put poor, murderous Magrethe out of her misery. Unfortunately the joy is short-lived, as another power-hungry, manipulative blonde slides in to take her place, dead set on cementing Ivar’s rule. In fact, this episode could be subtitled “everything old is new again” as we revisit baptisms, brother drama, inexplicable Bjorn hookups, and awkward royal nuptials.
Who wore it better? (Part 1 – The baptism)
Continuing the “Lucy holds the football” approach to negotiations with the English for the land they promised to the Norsemen, Ube and Torvi agree to get baptized and take some of the heat off of King Alfred for harboring heathens in the castle. But their baptism raises a bunch of questions like: Is this just another trick to distract the Vikings from their land? Will Bjorn be able to murder these two for forsaking their gods using only his glare? And, most importantly, did they bring this kind of sexy to their baptism ritual?
Who wore it better? In the contest between staid, stoic befuddlement and buff, shirtless theatrics, imma have to say Rollo.
Floki catches on
Over in New Flokistan, things remain tense among the settlers after Floki narrowly escaped sacrifice. After having put some distance between him and his grief, Floki is may be rethinking the path that led him to this disastrous hell-land, a path that can be summed up by this meme:
Floki may have finally caught up with the rest of us in thinking maybe a bird flying overhead is just a bird flying overhead, and that he may have been led to this island by the voices in his head, not the voices of the gods. But will the events surrounding the disappearance of a pregnant Thorunn jumpstart his faith again, or will he learn that the gods are really the enemies he made along the way? We’ll see . . .
Who wore it better? (Part 2: The wedding night)
Back in Wessex, due to a sudden, blood-soaked employment opening, Heahmund has been re-named Bishop just in time to preside over the nuptials of King Alfred and Ealhswith. Unfortch, he conveniently left out the “if there are any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace” part of the ceremony, because I can think of a few. For starters, Alfred seems awfully reticent about the whole marriage thing, repeatedly giving Ealhswith an out. It’s almost like he doesn’t actually want to get married. I have some suspicions why, but I’m gonna let them ride for now. (dun dun DUN)
Objection #2 is clearly the fact that Ealswith is boinking Bjorn right now. While I appreciate that girlfriend is trying to have her cake and eat it too, I’m getting a little tired of Bjorn’s vapid romantic plotlines. He just keeps falling into bed/marrying randos he hasn’t even spoken to. In addition to leaving me dead inside, these “playa playa” relationships make me not like Bjorn very much. I feel like Michael Hirst is suffering from “Elaine walks into a room . . .” disease.* Hirst seems to have no idea what to do with his female characters, so they just smooch on the nearest Bjorn. Boo.
As was custom, the wedding leads to a super-awkward and pervy “witnessing the marriage bed” moment reminiscent of Rollo’s royal wedding to Princess Gisla. Except in this version, the couple is the equivalent of the medieval Waltons, wearing their prim cotton underthings while tucked in up to their chins, which brings us to the next installment of
Who wore it better? Uhhhhhhhhh, duh?
The wedding of the (9th) century
*extremely Stefon voice*
If you are looking for Kattegatt’s hottest club this weekend, check out “Ivar and This Season’s Terrible Blondie Tie the Knot” happening tonight at the southside docks. This wedding has everything: Chucky doll cosplay, compulsory cheering, shackleplay, The Seer, and fratricidal power consolidation.
This wedding is Norway’s kinkiest ticket, and ends with the promise of a massive unraveling of the threads of fate, and everyone attending will almost certainly face an imaginative and bloody end! It is not to be missed. No, really. Ivar will kill you if you miss it. Have fun!
Tune in next week to find out if King Harald will clash with Lagertha and Bjorn on the battlefield, if Floki regains his faith, and if Alfred can keep his throne against his brother’s treason! See you next time!
With Magnus back in the picture, will Bjorn turn on Alfred? Now that they’re Christian, do Ube and Torvi have plans to open Wessec’s first mega-cathedral? Does Aethelred really have a betrothed, or is “she’s Cuthred’s daughter” the Wessex equivalent of “she lives in Canada?
*Obscure Seinfeld reference. You’re welcome